PILs have cancelled carers and are now asking when we can visit

With the best will in the world, OP and her DH cannot be full time carers when it would involve an 8 hour round trip on a daily basis. PILs need to be realistic, and so do you.

What exactly is callous about it?

OP and her DH live 4 hours away. They can't physically be there all the time to care themselves. They have organised carers. They can't force DPIL to accept those carers, what do you actually expect OP to do about it if they refuse?

This!

One has dementia and the other is old and tired and likely emotional. They are not sensible. They are old and need support

God, how callous. I hope I have more love and attention that this in my 80s!! What a cold world we live in.

He has dementia.

Keep saying to Fill your son can't do that from 4 hours away so that is why he has organised carers - keep repeating it

also are you getting the 25% on council tax for him? as he has SMI, if not check out how to get it or ask

Are you getting attendance allowance for FIL?

What is your normal visiting frequency? Stick to that. So when they ask you to visit, the answer is "See you at the end of August as usual". Or whatever is normal for you.

Could be worth finding out why they cancelled the carers - could be reasonable, such as an unpleasant or nasty one, or not.

The best way to help them is actually not help them
DH should get his head out of the sand
It is hard to see this happening to your own parents, I agree

All those saying don't get involved, is that really how your marriages/LTR work?

I'm all for not doing wife work, but I wouldn't make DH shoulder the whole burden himself or him, me.
Yes, he needs to man up and tell his mum she needs help, but making him visit alone seems mean to me.

Pull back. Your DH can do what he wants to, don't visit yourself for 3m.

What are they asking you to do when you do visit?

You and DH need to sit down and discuss what you are able and willing to do, and then stick to it regardless of the guilt or emotional manipulation.
You and DH cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It isn't good for you, them and isn't sustainable or realistic.

Oh I feel your pain - I have a stubborn parent in their 80s with dementia who hates carers coming, loss of independence etc and just assumed I would move in or be on call 24/7 to help.
Your DH must stay firm or the pressure of trying to support will become unbearable. Also please involve adult social services they have been for most part helpful to us in carrying out assessments and signposting to further help xx

I think you're right...I know of a few elderly people who never would have dreamed of putting upon their children when they were younger but became more needy and, I hate to say it but selfish, as they aged. Almost becoming quite childlike. I really do dread getting old! It does seem scary!

I think your DH needs to get an answer to why they don't want carers. Sometimes it's the actual carer who isn't a good match. Sometimes a man prefers another man to do care, especially if help us needed to bathe, shave etc. If you can find out why, it might be possible to get another carer who is a better match. Otherwise, make it plain you can't help, and stick to it. I know it's hard to see them struggle but it's why carers exist. They are trained, they can do daily visits and aren't miles away.

I’d pull back, it’s your dhs problem to fix not yours. Any sensible person can see a son who lives 4hrs away will have limited capacity to visit to do care.

I assume they cancelled the carer because it was not a good experience. You are assuming all carers are a good thing, but some carers do make life worse for people struggling to manage.

You can call adult social
Services and say you're concerned.

Was the support arranged through a social worker? If so your DH needs to be contacting them and updating.
I’m sure the care agency would do this anyway, but the social worker will need to be aware so different approaches can be tried.

Also, have a look into some telecare equipment. Things like door sensors and falls monitor. There is also a portal type equipment where you can have reminders set up on it and video calls if your PIL are able to do the video call and wouldn’t switch it off.

Mayne suggest to your MIL that she has a carers assessment so she could have a break, maybe go and see a friend for a couple of hours whilst a carer visits and does something with FIL that he likes. Even if it’s just sitting and watching some sport/visit to the garden centre. This will hopefully build a relationship and further support can be introduced gradually.

Would they be willing to have help if you don't call them carers? My grandparents proudly tell people that they manage perfectly well without carers but they have someone who cleans, someone else who brings meals round for them and a couple of other people who drive them where they want to go.

The best way to help them is to not help them.
So no, their son does not and will not "do that" because they need proper care given by appropriately trained people.

I assume this is like people saying when I get old I will go to Switzerland or just put me in a home, don’t want DC having to look after me. But reality is much harder.

How long has FIL been suffering?

You need to put your foot down and say no.

If you keep doing it they will continue to expect you to keep doing it.

Tell them you can’t visit and they need to reinstate the carers.

If your DH wants to insist then he will have to do it all himself.

Back off and tread water. Whilst your DH thinks you’ll back him up he’ll do nothing. You might need to be empathetic but keep out of it. This is not your worry to carry especially as there is another brother. Give it time. See what happens.