Loneliness

What is it about old age that makes people so selfish. Elderly people are not all selfish

@rickyrickygrimes thanks for the update and you have my sympathy. I do think some parents seem to assume we can just drop our busy lives and return to the family home as full time cleaners/shoppers/entertainers/cooks. My happiness is MY responsibility not my kids. Our mother is lonely because she’s gradually picked off and alienated people who have tried to help. But she always knew better. I’m very low contact now and whilst it may seem harsh when absolutely nothing has been right I don’t know what else to do. It’s for my own sanity.

It sounds as though he needs to go into care. You could suggest a respite few weeks as SIL has to do x and y. If you get the right place and he can visit a few first, it can be life changing for your SiL and for him. He just needs to see what it is like essentially living in a hotel full time and being waited on, with lots of others to chat to and activities to do.

If that first stay is better than he thinks, he may well make the move permanent. The problem for you is that he feels safe as things are and can't comprehend a bigger move, so be sympathetic about how hard it is while still being quite firm that it is best for him and your SIL.

God this thread is depressing. We have this currently with in-laws and u fee my parents are heading that way.
My mil has now decided that she needs everything done for as she is 82 but in perfect health. Any suggestions as to what she might do is met with 'I'm 82. She just wants to be 'minded' and entertained and has started lying about visitors. Ie she would ring saying see is so lonely and has seen no one for days and we would find out later that neighbours and other sibling would have visited. . What is it about old age that makes people so selfish. They would never have been like this at our age.

Go to local coffee clubs - they can be fun.

Also church/mosque/etc are all excellent at socialising opportunities partic for the old.

After my father died, my mother moved into a flat in an 'active retirement living' block. She has a cleaner as part of her service charge, there's a dining room downstairs if she doesn't want to cook and lots of them seem to meet there at mealtimes. There's a communal coffee area that she can go to if someone wants a chat, and an all-hours manager to help with fixing stuff that goes wrong.

She's still lonely because she misses my father, but she has activity and company now, as well as practical help. Might it be worth looking at something like that for your father?

@SallyWD thank you. I got an amazing social prescriber allocated late last year. She was fabulous but she was knocked into touch by mother immediately. I’ve kept in touch with her. She agrees mother only does what she wants and she expects us to do what she wants needs etc. Awful situation. Genuinely love suggestions but seriously I’m we are out of ideas. Thanks though

@Oldermum84 absolutely agree she is depressed anxious etc she always has been.she is taking medication but refuses to also try and work through her issues with any other complementary help. I have had her at various consultants for geriatric patients all amazing. She refuses to engage. All say if she would engage with talking therapy etc or hobbies and distractions it might help. She point blank refuses. She wants us doing everything. It is harsh to say but she is a narcissist. Yes I have had and am going through therapy. It’s helpful but it still makes the situation difficult. Thank you though

She may be depressed. Perhaps visit the GP with her to discuss antidepressants. And just remember it's up to her of she refuses this and any other help. She is an adult who is making her own choices and you're going above and beyond, she is not your responsibility.

Befrienders are great. I used to do it myself, actually. I visited an old man who lived alone, once a week. We had some lovely chats over a cup of tea. We both looked forward to it.
Google your local befriending service.

@Oldermum84 thank you I have already tried to engage Mum in this and many other things. She point blank refuses. It is increasingly clear we are going to have to live with her either full time one of us or on a rota. She will not help herself. Just come back and saw her lovely widowed neighbour who lost her husband in the midst of COVID going out all dressed up hair done and looking wonderful. I genuinely feel our mother is addicted to the attention and wants to be miserable. It is an awful place to be for us as siblings. Essentially we have nowhere to turn as she refuses anything other than help from us. But thanks for the link.

https://www.thesilverline.org.uk/

@EmotionalBlackmail love the devils advocate idea. I am going today, steeling myself presently, with loads of lovely food. Had to go to 3 different supermarkets because she now will not use anything from the freezer. Well I suppose I didn’t have to got to 3 supermarkets but trying to put a weeks worth or even five days of meals together can be tricky as the fresh ready meals have short dates on. Cunning of her really as she knows it means she can reel us in to visits more regularly. I have also sent photos of the shopping my sister and I did in the past few weeks as news got back to us that our mother is giving people the impression she has no help to shop. To say my blood was boiling at that news is an understatement. She is starting to believe her own lies. After hearing the news about the terrible attacks in Southport yesterday my patience with my mother and her absolutely lack of life skills and resilience is pretty rock bottom. Spoke to her last night to check in on any final shopping requirements and mentioned the news. Her response was she didn’t know about it because ‘I cant listen to the radio because it is broken’…it isn’t and it is simple to turn on and off. She then proceeded to completely shut me down and went on about herself. Awful behaviour. Anyway big girl pants on now and food delivery en route armed with lots of advice off here. Utterly devastating to think how the families in Southport feel this morning.

Or play devil's advocate!

What happens if one of you gets a new job and moves 3 hours away and the other one emigrates!

I found it helped to turn it around and frame it as building resilience.

If something happens to you or your sister (illness, broken leg, holiday, crisis at work, crisis with children) then you can't do all of those things. It's too much for one person and if that other person is already on holiday then there will be nobody there to help. But if there's external people already doing some cleaning or shopping etc then there's far more resilience.

Also, if she's capable of getting to the shops and preparing something from the freezer it's far better for her to do it herself, in terms of exercise, seeing people and doing activities that require some thinking about.

@Bugsbunnie glad it worked for you. Sadly our mother will not engage with anyone external at all. We have tried everything. It’s plain she expects us to be her cook, cleaner, shopper, washer, bed changer and company. It’s an utterly grim situation.

Ask at his local church about lunch clubs….you don’t have to attend the church it’s more a community occasion…but hosted by church volunteers….well the ones round here are

When our LO was told they could no longer drive we found somone to come in every day and take them out for a couple of hours . Just to drive them round and keep them company . They’d go to shops,hairdressers , for a coffee , maybe footie , to a lunch club , drs etc. It worked a treat if your FIL can afford it. If it’s doable Îd also get a chatty cleaner / home help in once or twice a week . As many people as possible popping in and out if it’s affordable.

@EmotionalBlackmail great advice and congratulations on the job. I read all the brilliant and wise advice on here but she just keeps, actually she does not , I allow her to break me every single time. The really tough bit is she believes her own lies. Such as having nothing in to eat when her fridge and freezer have been stocked for her. She can’t change this is her personality. Guess I have to change so she doesn’t keep reeling me back in. Run out of steam this week to be honest. Tried to suggest we go back to the GP. Point blank refused. Will resolve to try some of your great ideas with more determination. Thank you

I didn't get into doing cleaning or gardening. For a while she put a lot of pressure on for me to visit every weekend to do this for her. I barely have time to look after my own house and garden, let alone hers! And it would have meant my child never got to go to friends' parties and do weekend activities as I wouldn't have been at home to take her so I refused.

It's taken a while but she's now got a cleaner and gardener. I spent quite some time going "Didn't Mavis say this gardener/cleaner was good?" or "Why not try Age U.K." type things in response to any moaning. Of course the standards aren't what she'd expect but I either ignore the comments or deflect!

@BlueLegume my situation is easier as I'm 2-3 hours away (depending on traffic/time of day) and my useless goldenballs sibling further away.

I did used to do much more running around after her to the detriment of my DH and child but I realised what she was up to - (got a lot of help from this board!) and Covid offered the opportunity to rein it back. Which was amazing and helped me realise I couldn't go back to how it was before. Then I got a new job which means I'm nowhere near as available. She hates my new job which is a lesson in itself as most parents would be delighted their child had got such a job!

I learnt about boundaries on this board and have imposed them. What I've found is that I don't have to be the one to do stuff. When there was an emergency hospital admission I was ill and couldn't drive so couldn't go! Goldenballs didn't bother doing anything. Her friends had to deal with it.

Grey rock technique is useful - if she's capable of going shopping or cooking something from the freezer there is absolutely no need for you to drop fresh shopping round to her. So don't! You're not available - go on holiday, have urgent work commitments, go to bed with Covid for a week or two - your sister does the same. Screen calls or blocks calls between certain times (do not disturb setting on a mobile) so you don't have to deal with her except when you're prepared to.

@DisappearingGirl @EmotionalBlackmail really interesting reading everyone’s thoughts. What do you do when parent will not engage with anyone except you and other siblings? This is where I am at. She won’t now use food from the freezer. She won’t go shopping although is completely physically able to. She is now saying she needs food delivered by us every two days as she doesn’t like food that isn’t fresh. I know it is all about control and manipulation but where do you go for help on this. It’s literally breaking us all. My sister and I are now the only people who she will allow to clean for her. Our brother she doesn’t like how he does it. My standards don’t meet hers so my sister and I do it together. We’re definitely being played. Do we walk away? That’s a good question. Personally I think our mother is getting a thrill at controlling us.