How to tell your parents they're declining?

Not at all, you were politeness personified.

@MereDintofPandiculation No worries, sorry if I was a little snippy. I do know what you mean about those other posts 😉

OK, fair enough.I reacted too quickly. Seen too many posts starting "My 95 year old mother started this year with early onset dementia" (Ok, exaggerated a bit)

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm a MH nurse who has worked in a dementia clinic. Yes you're right, but it's a little more complicated than that. 65 refers to age of onset. The reason I asked how much time the OP has actually spent with her dad over the last decade or so, is because many very intelligent people can "cover up" dementia successfully for extended periods of time. 70 is very young indeed for showing this degree of cognitive decline. I can't diagnose over the internet but I would imagine that he has been showing signs for at least 5 years, probably longer. The OP just hasn't spent enough time with him to realise this. Coupled with a family history of early onset (remember, less than 1% of dementia is clearly genetic) makes this too much of a coincidence, really, regardless of his current chronological age.

He’s too old to have early-onset dementia, which is defined as dementia before the age of 65.

But his symptoms are ones that can be associated with (normal) dementia.

Hi, I work with people with dementia and this sounds very likely. I would strongly advise a urine test first though, as a UTI can cause all these kind of symptoms too. He may have both, but I currently look after a gent who was having pretty recurrent UTIs, and got very agitated, angry and confused.

I’m pushing 70, and my husband is 75, most of our friends are in the same age range, and no, your dad’s behaviour isn’t normal. You need to take some steps to get a diagnosis and rule out some physical causes (did you know UTIs in older people cause dementia-like symptoms, for example)?

With regard to POAs: you need to get both a Health and a Finance one done while your dad still has capacity. They are different, btw, to a Living Will (now called an Advance Directive).

it is possible for him to do it himself - or for you to do it together - although it’s bureaucratic and a bit tedious, or you can get a solicitor to help if you or your dad can afford that. Either way, it’s taking several months to get them registered, unfortunately.

Age UK have helpful guides to both POAs https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/power-of-attorney/

and Advanced Directives https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/advance-decisions/

I would get the money returned to you asap and also get POA. That seems very harsh and clinical but if you don't it will be years of pain and not being able to help out, if he has fluctuating capacity, so sometimes totally with it, sometimes not, then now if the time to act on that front.

For the rest of it, I think it's always going to be hard and complex caring for parents, he's not too young for Alzheimers unfortunately, and it does sound like there are issues, but other people have already said this, he needs medical assessment as there could be other reasons for his confusion- it could even be a UTI and reversible, or it could be a tumour, stroke, undiagnosed other condition so you do need to get it checked out.

You sound like a lovely person, be kind to yourself and you may have to excuse him too because it doesn't sound like he's fully himself at the moment, and that's very hard to deal with- I've found books about dementia helpful on that front.

This sounds very much like Alzheimer’s. They get very angry and can be impossible to reason with. I have a parent and and IL with it and it’s very delicate. The short term memory goes before the long term and decision- making is really difficult because they can’t use logic. Call his doctors and explain the situation, they can recommend a memory clinic; go with him if you can. Get POA as soon as possible. Keep a written record of worrying things so you can gently remind him and tell medical professionals. In my experience, trying to reason with them when they are actively distressed is pointless; focus on calming them and then speak to them when they seem more like themselves. My parent is relatively early on and half the time she is fully coherent, the other half she is abusive and unreasonable. When they are angry is when you need to remember it’s a genuine illness. It’s a hard slog OP.

Be quick because he might lose capacity

Also, don’t discount other reasons for this decline such as brain tumour or mini strokes.

That was good to talk to him. Act on it quickly now if you can. Sort the money situation out and POA ( îd get health as well as finance if you can) I know it feels horrible to be so pragmatic but you do need to do it because some types of dementia decline in steps down and not gradually so you don’t know how he will be in a month or two. You don’t need to use the POA until it’s needed, just have it in case but he can’t give you POA if hés lost capacity. The POA is for his benefit , especially as he’s still married… his still wife is his next of kin at the moment Îd imagine.,Our DM was very keen and insistant on having hers done a couple of years before diagnosis ( i now wonder if she felt thing weren’t right) and did it through a solicitor so it went through quite quickly . she also wrote a letter allowing sibling and myself to speak to GP about/for her and get hers meds. That has been extremely helpful so far.

My husband has a form of dementia which I believe has been coming on for a couple of years. He sounds very much like your dad as a younger fit man and now, although his speech is more affected than his cognitive state. He does fly off the handle a lot and gets obsessive over things, same as your dad. He does need help and it sounds as if he's in denial so it's very difficult for you but a chat with the GP has got to be your first port of call. Best wishes, it's a sad and hard road to travel.

I will also ask him what he wants to happen should he require care.

This is something I would do if I could go back in time. One of those living will things. Id sit down and say what I would want and ask what DM would want and try and write it it down. It would help psychologically now when we need to make decisions .

I'm 74 and my husband is almost 82. None of the behaviour you describe sounds remotely normal to me, and I think our children would agree that neither of us show any sign of that kind of decline. This is not to say we don't get the odd senior moment, but it's nothing like that.

Totally understand that. For a while I was the only one thinking it about DM, I wasn’t sure of myself and others couldn’t/ didn’t want to see it. But i think if you’re living with him and picking up on stuff it’s likely that there is something wrong ( maybe not dementia but still things aren’t right)

I would focus on getting your own place to live and your money back.

Then when you are set up, say to him that you've been a bit worried about his health. Tread very gently.

I think if you mix them up, or do them in the opposite order, he may cut you off. He is drowning, fighting for his life and may see you as a threat.

I would make getting your money back a priority, before tackling your dad on his health.

Especially with a still-married wife on the scene, who feels competitive towards you, the fact they aren’t divorced, and some kind of financial order that your dad may have agreed to while already in cognitive decline. She could end up with your money!

My mum became strange like this a few years before she was eventually diagnosed. She went from loving and caring to sometimes doing / saying hurtful things that Id get upset about. I realize now that it was the beginning of dementia. Masked for quite a while as her partner was still alive and she was mostly herself. If it is dementia in my experience sorry but it will only get worse. Like you I originally thought I could give uo work and look after her in between my home and hers. Honestly I’m sorry to say it but thank goodness I didn’t do that. It is really really hard to care for someone with dementia , so much harder than I thought. Ithink for yourself it would be better to get an independent life sorted out asap. It doesn’t mean you or I don’t love our parent. I am very very involved in our DM’s care even from a distance ( i do have a sibling near by though) and have arranged my life to visit ( sort stuff out) regularly but I also have my life and my career. This is a marathon and we need to pace ourselves. If you need the money you lent your father Îd get that and POA sorted at a solicitors asap.