Everything was negative

I know quite a few 80 and 90 somethings who are positive and interested in life and other people.

I hope to be like that.

Good grief, that's when I was born

My dps born in war and aren't too bad

My maternal dgps were always cheerful and optimistic, born around WW1

I work mainly with older people and most are lovely but many are quite negative and as someone upthread said, it’s draining. It’s also frustrating when they assume that you’re not on their side or that they’re getting something second-rate when they’re really not. It’s tiring to keep going for nearly 8 hours trying to inject positive energy into proceedings. I try to acknowledge briefly then move on to the task in hand. Some people have really difficult lives and yet are so positive, they are amazing and inspiring. I must remember to try and be like that!

My MIL has been like this for years, always looking over her shoulder for someone trying to cheat her, always seeing the worst in everything and everyone. She's got some pretty serious mental health issues at the moment and paranoia is a big part of it. Looking back, she's always been anxious and hypercritical of herself and others, and old age seems to be intensifying what was already in her character. It makes it very difficult to know how to help her or reassure her, because she doesn't trust anyone and won't hear of seeking medical help.

My dad (who is living with me) has Alzheimer's and seems to have gone the other way. He's appreciative of everything, says "Ooh, I say, is it my birthday?" every time you serve him a meal 😂 and keeps talking about how lucky he is and how lovely where we live is etc. Even his memories of quite troubled times in his life (like grammar school where he was beaten every week and bullied for being a Catholic) have mellowed to the point that he only retains the good bits. He certainly hasn't always been like that, he's always been the classic artistic temperament with high anxiety and mood swings and periods of depression. I know things will probably change as his dementia progresses, but at the moment it's fascinating how sunny-natured he is.

Nope what it needs is a good verbal kick up the backside

I agree- it's not an excuse to be rude to people. We all have problems in life, and it's not an excuse to say mean or unkind things to others. Its really embarrassing when someone you are with is being obviously rude to people in front of you.

you’re describing my MIL utterly tedious. We limit our time with her as she does nothing but complain.

My parents went like this. I attributed it to the realisation of the relentless hurtling towards death that dawns on people when they progress through their 70s.

My father would have been into digital technology too. He was born in 1894 (he was somewhat old when I was born 🙁) and remembered the first car in town (the doctor's). He loved new inventions, bought a TV as soon as the transmissions reached our part of the UK and a tape recorder (1950s). I remember him reading out excitedly from the newspaper about the first satellite in space.
nb. it seems weird to me that most people's grandparents were born in the 20th century. His dad, my grandfather, was born in 1859...

Understanding and help. Nope what it needs is a good verbal kick up the backside. Which I do and now two of my sons.

We're not letting him continue unfettered because he's upset people that I like, who now avoid us. And he can't see it so has to be told clearly to zip it. Rinse and repeat.

He's just had a rant about selfish cyclists 🙄

@Speckson my mum was born in 1942 and my dad in 1938. My dad is unremittingly critical and negative, my mum generally a pleasure to be around (if a bit pernickety about food and timings). Probably personality as much as anything? My mum once remarked of her own father (born 1910) that it was a shame he died before digital stuff really came in as she thought he would have got a lot of joy from digital cameras, email, internet searches etc.

Yes, it's very draining. What I found difficult was my dad constantly moaning about how rude the "youth" of today are and yet he'd be really rude himself! He'd also do that muttering under his breath thing and criticising everyone and anything- even when people were super nice to him.

I did point that out once to him but he scoffed and wouldnt have it. Its like a weird blind spot

Try an art class, you used to enjoy drawing...Why would I want to do that?

What about swimming? You were a competitive swimmer... Problems with the local pool, people who go to the local pool, finding the time

There's a walking group...I walk to Sainsburys.

The muttering about people when they're right in front of them! This is especially embarrassing in restaurants. I have perfected my sorry face and always make sure I leave a big tip.

I'd see you more if you lived nearer. No! I'd still have to work and wouldn't be available to be your chauffeur even if we lived next door! You can drive and have a newer car than me.

Health problems but won't take the medication and then complains that she doesn't think the GP is any good.

Moaning about the cost of everything even when they're not paying. Will drive 5 miles to get 5p off a loaf of bread.

Visiting for the weekend, hating every minute of it, moaning constantly and then telling us they had a lovely time. I now suck up the cost and put them in a nice hotel for the night as a treat for us them.

Trying to stop them gesticulating and shouting at bad drivers when we're driving around my not very nice area. I don't want to get shot or stabbed.

I suppose this depends how old your parents vs. your grandparents are?
For instance grandparents may have been born before the welfare state, before ownership of cars/fridges/washing machines/telephones/houses was common, years before TV! Produce in the shops was seasonal - for instance strawberries were only available for a few weeks in the summer. Also your money was kept in a local physical bank or your purse - no credit/debit cards. If you wanted to borrow money you had to grovel to the bank manager or scrounge off others.
So you travelled by bus or walked, entertainment was stuff like a visit to the cinema, a jumble sale, going for a walk, reading the newspaper, visiting friends or relatives, whist drives...
i.e. There was a culture of having to go out to amuse yourself and of low expectations from the state, low expectations of ownership or of choice in the shops. So long as you could add up you knew how much money you had and where it was. Also retired people then weren't bombarded by daytime TV programs such as "Scambusters" 😁or endless gloomy news. The only film-type news available that was vaguely like today's was the "Pathe News" at the cinema.
Compare this to parents probably born in the 60s or 70s - expectations much higher, patience much lower and exposed daily to TV full of disastrous news, "true life" tales of scams, extortions, mass murderers and experiencing these scams themselves via the phone etc.. Having credit cards to buy instantly rather than having to save, having far better support from the state when in difficulties, having the contraceptive pill which drastically improved women's expectations and ambitions - they've had more, they expect everything "right now" but are constantly being told not to trust anyone.

If it’s a personality type or pathological then it needs understanding and help

I think the issue is, people are being empathic, helpful and understanding but if someone refuses to get help and shoots down every suggestion you make then what is left? I would have walked to the ends of the earth for my nan if it would have helped her but nothing I did or said was taken on board, I even offered to drive her places to socialise but she refused so what can you do?

My mum is the same, even a compliment is phrased negatively - ‘not bad’ instead of ‘good’, if someone is too fat it’s bad, if someone has lost weight they’re too thin, etc etc etc

@Ribenaberry12 I’ve not seen this specifically related to age but I definitely see traits in some people where things are always seen negatively and if anything goes wrong it is always someone else’s fault 🙄.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Depression and anxiety are reasonable and appropriate responses to some life events. If it’s a personality type or pathological then it needs understanding and help.

My best friend and I have already made a pact to tell each other if we're becoming grumpy gits (we're currently 50s). Although I suppose it relies on it happening at different rates or we might not notice...

My DH is anxious and he's nothing to get anxious about in reality. No money worries, two great hobbies, he's fit cycling everywhere. Has some mates he has coffee with most days.

His anxiety about money is insane I've told him this so many times. Fretting about a new fridge when the old one packed up.

Buying a newer car was an angst ridden three months of trudging around car show rooms.

The grandchildren who make the usual mess with toys when visiting make him irate (not that he cleans up anything)

The grumpiness is wearing, the moaning an ear worm.

And it's catching if you're not careful.

I'm glad I found this thread as I was thinking of starting one of my own. Solidarity, OP.

I went to an art exhibition that I really enjoyed the other week (by myself). I mentioned it to my mum and she asked if I'd like to go again with her (I would have suggested this anyway as she makes the same kind of art so I thought it would be professionally interesting). And then she said my Dad would be joining. Argh!

Dad after any kind of creative thing that I've recommended or taken him to (book, film, TV, play, opera, exhibition...)

"Well what was wrong with it was [lots and lots of detail]..."

The point of my recommending something would be because I ENJOYED IT AND THOUGHT HE MIGHT TOO. Do I want to hear/read lots and lots of detail about what was wrong with it? Nope. I've stopped ever recommending anything or taking him to anything because of this reason, especially as I always used to pay for the tickets when it was a charged for thing.

I actually thought about refusing to go to see the exhibition because of this a second time but thought that would be unfair to my mum...

I laughed out loud at this because this is almost word for word a reflection of our conversations!

I didnt say this to her of course but in my head I was thinking "stay fcking lonely then if you wont do anything about it"

To be fair, I like hot milk with coffee in a cafe. Just can’t be bothered at home!

Oh the depression!

GP? No, he’s rubbish.

Medication? No it never works.

Have you tried medication in the past? No but it never works.

Counselling? No it doesn’t work.

Lonely? Yes.

What about going here or there? No don’t like that. Don’t like these people.

Ok, let me know if you change your mind, there’s plenty of things to try.

They’re all rubbish. Everyone is rubbish. Don’t go, I’m lonely!

And repeat.

This is such a good point I hadn’t thought about. My grandparents were positive too, and independent as far as they could be or wanted to be. Looking for the positive. And their hardships were much worse.

Definitely. And depression, though you won’t persuade them to do anything about it.