End of life, teenagers and school trip

30 replies

Wotsitsarecheesy · 11/07/2024 06:05

Changed to rarely used username for this. And hoping for some advice. MiL is close to end of life. She has deteriorated quickly in the last few days and is barely eating, but still drinking. 'Hospice at home' care starts tomorrow.

DD (17) is on an overseas school residential Mon-Thur next week and our uni aged DSs will also be abroad for the same 4 days. Neither DH or I have current passports.

DD has autism and anxiety and is very close to MiL. I am really struggling with what to do about the children's trips. If anything happens with MiL before Monday, the DCs can each make their own decisions. MiL definitely wants them all to still go away, but as a young adult whose grandparent will have just died I really worry about them, DD particularly, going away from home when neither DH or I can be there to support them.

If MiL lives past the weekend, they go away and she dies when they are away, I wouldn't want to tell them till they got home, but how would that feel for them, to find she has died while they were away? The boys understand that this could be a possibility but DD won't unless we spell it out to her. MiL won't want us to, but is that fair on DD?

I have no idea if MiL still being alive this time next week, when they return, is a possibility. It may be.

I feel so conflicted about what to do for the best here. Has anyone had a similar dilemma? If so, I would really appreciate any advice or insight.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wotsitsarecheesy · 11/07/2024 17:11

Thank you all for your messages. @TupperJen that is a really important point and is exactly what I am worrying about. I'm sorry you experienced that. It's such a good idea to ask if they want to know while they are away and that was something I hadn't really thought through yet.

@Mum5net your poor DD. That must have been so traumatic, particularly at such short notice. We have now been told it is likely to be a few days, so I have spoken to DD and she has a little time to make a decision.

I really appreciate all your responses.

OP posts:

TupperJen · 11/07/2024 14:53

I think a very frank conversation is needed. Make it clear MIL is dying and no-one can predict when the end will come. She will likely slip into unconscious state and the hospice at home will keep her pain free.

Ask them whether they want to know while they are away if she deteriorates or dies.
I wasn't told of my grandmother's death because I was away and I still feel resentful I was "the last to know", and when my father died in the early hours of the morning, my mother also told all the overseas relatives because of the time difference. But it meant I woke to heaps of messages from them expressing condolences.

Mum5net · 11/07/2024 14:00

DF (83) had a catastrophic accident on the morning of my DD's end- of--school trip to Greece with her year group. She literally was about to go in car to airport when call came through, case in hallway etc. Had 10 mins to decide. She decided she wanted to stay. He died four days later. She got full refund from insurance. However, it was v clear cut he would not be there in a week. Sorry for your news.

Original poster

Wotsitsarecheesy · 11/07/2024 11:55

Thank you for your thoughts. I think you are right about full information. She definitely seemed much brighter and more positive this morning than she did yesterday. We are just taking it day by day but from today's visit I'm more hopeful (and so is she - she's saying she wants to survive as long as she can).

OP posts:

AlwaysFreezing · 11/07/2024 06:15

I think they need all of the information and to be able to decide for themselves.

I'd steer them towards going. The end of life bit can be very drawn out and very difficult. It is really not nice to watch someone you love go though that and change so much and I'd try and spare them that.

Its going to be hard for you and your husband. I hope you have additional support for you guys. Big love as your family changes.

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