Feeling constantly guilty about my mum--how to cope?

Look at this way, she did her best for you when you were a child. That's what parents do. She's been well rewarded for the support she gave to you and your husband when your kids were smaller. There is no debt there, you don't owe her anything you really don't. The fact your kids don't like her speaks volumes. Your duty lies now with continuing to be a good mum and keep yours at arm's length.

I feel I owe her because she was there for me at critical points of my life when I needed help.

That's just bog standard parenting.

So why are you having to arrange and pay for her move??

Tell her you can't afford it.

You'd be doing her - and you - a favour by being bluntly honest. At the moment it's easy for her to put her life on hold until her desired life starts with (or near) you. She has no need to socialise and create more of a life where she is while she has this fantasy future.

Decide what works for you, and tell her. I'm sure she won't be at all happy at first, but it pulls you all out of limbo.

eg if she moves she will be welcome to visit for x days every xx, phone call once a week from now onwards...

Otherwise if she moved she will try to live with you in all but name. I don't think your DH can stay neutral in this. He needs to fully support you in setting firm boundaries.

I realise she spent a lot on educating you in another country but this is what you do as a parent for your children. You don’t expect your children to buy you a flat and move them to their country of residence.
Unless you have bucket loads of money your priorities should be your children and if you are funding your mother you are essentially taking from them.

Added to that she has no respect for your children and her moving would make everyone’s lives significantly worse. I would lessen the contact and make it clear moving is not an option

asked me to arrange a permanent residency for her in my country and to buy her a flat. I agreed to this, but again this will involve substantial cost and time from my side
OP, you are in complete control of what happens with the residency. She is trying to work everything to her advantage. You should be doing the same, tell her you are working on it but dont actually do anything.
Why would you invest time effort & money in something that will make your & your children's lives worse?

The only advantage you have here is that she doesn't live near to you. I wouldn't surrender that because if she moves close to you this will be far worse. Every birthday, Christmas, holiday, celebration. All with your mother @questionaboutmum1

I'd really question whether he moving to your country is the best thing tbh. She might focus win you completely as wouldn't know anyone else.

Might be better staying where she is, and also I'd cut down calls to say once a week, / low contact.

YES! She has a far more active social life than I do! There was another thread on here a while ago from someone who'd got into the habit of having a widowed mother to stay every single weekend and now couldn't get out of the habit!

Mine's still really annoying and drives me mad but at least I'm no longer seeing her all the time. I'd go mad if she visited for a month at a time!

Boundaries-wise, use your phone settings so it doesn't ring through unless you choose to take the call. I don't answer mine during working or commuting hours. If you don't even answer then there's no conversation to be had.

A life changer for me was the realisation that I was not responsible for my mothers happiness. Neither are you.

Is the residency permit likely to be approved?

How does she intend to support herself if she moves near you?

This is very true OP.
She needs you way WAY WAY more than you need her, and yet she's got you on the back foot.
You have to stand up to her, quietly and calmly stop giving in to her. Quietly and calmly nudge her into backing down.

She's not elderly - she's of working age! Nip this one in the bud!

Someone who has lost their life partner is very lonely but you can't replace the life partner. Mine did this for a while (I was living with her) but I ended up moving 6 hours away so she had to find her own feet. Can you point her towards bereavement counselling and set some boundaries.

It was her choice to help with the kids - and seeing how they now are with her was it actually helpful or more for her benefit?

She could be out there working, volunteering and having a social life but she's choosing not to.

I shook for about an hour after the first time, and ate a lot of chocolate that I had already bought specially for the purpose. But it worked, and she apologised on the Friday and never did it again.
Your mum has a lot to lose, if she loses your goodwill, so be aware who has the power 🍫

She has trained you to defer to & obey her, you need to break the training!
It's not easy when you feel guilty but if you can sit with the guilt and face her down then she will have to be the one who backs down.

Have you heard of ‘the Stately Homes’ thread in Relationships? If you haven’t , then you will find a lot in it to help you through the FOG (Fear.
obligation, guilt) that you are in with your demanding mother.
Hope that you can get some clarity, Op, it’s not an easy place to be. 💐
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5032064-march-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?page=1

Somebody gave it to me years ago, and my mum was astonished when I said, I told you I didn’t want to talk about that, so will go now. I will call on Friday as usual, bye bye, and down went the phone.