Feeling constantly guilty about my mum--how to cope?

Definitely! I live with mine and can't get away. The rest of my family don't allow me to leave. They know how to lay on the guilttripping. I'm almost the same age as the OP. I've no life of my own, just work and home to Mum. My Mum is thinking of moving to a retirement village, although other relatives are against this. So I'm hoping Mum does move to a retirement village as she'll make some friends and have more to fill her time, and then I can escape

Well said @Startingagainandagain 👏🏻

She is one of these parents who see their children as their property for life, rather than independent individuals, and program them from early childhood to feel intense guilt and self doubt and raise them to believe what their parent says is paramount, even when they become adults.

This is a toxic relationship.

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness and you have your own family and life to live.

No matter what you do anyway she will always find reasons to criticise you and try to exercise control.

Also I don't understand why she expect to be able to settle in another country all of the sudden. There usually are immigration rules.

I think you really need to nip this in the bud and make it clear you will not provide her with a new home and deal with her immigration formalities and that she needs to live her life and plan for her old age in the country she currently lives in.

If not, you will never live your own life and you will spent the next 20 or 30 years having to deal with the every whims of someone who will make your life a misery.

Some counselling would really be helpful if you are struggling to finally put boundaries in place and reduce her influence on you.

I know I am late to this thread and other people have posted but this resonated with me as I used to feel sorry for my mum being "stuck" in a shitty marriage that she moaned to me about from being a very small child and I thought I should try and make her happy. So if she said I need a holiday I would rush to book something where I should have said oh yes where are you going to go? My dad went into hospital and she said to me I don't want him home and I then just ran around sorting that out.

You cannot make another person happy you just can't - it's not your responsibility, she is not your responsibility.

I've pulled back massively from mine and amazingly she is able to do all those things I did for her - or find someone else to. If she's like mine, she's treating you like a surrogate spouse.

Quite right she was there for you, she's your parent and chose to have you. That's not her doing something special - that's a parents role. It's hard when you feel guilty I know, horrible feeling.

I understand what you're saying OP. I'm in the same position except my DM is 78 and has no mobility whatsoever.

But no matter what you do, it will never be enough for your DM as it has always been the way with my DM. The more you do, the more she'll demand of you until you are on your knees. Counselling has helped me set some boundaries; maybe that's something you can consider getting?

This would be a worry for me. I think she could move near you but she’s still young and needs for both your sakes to have her own life. If you live in an area like the Dordogne or some places in Spain there might be English speaking people to socialize with but if she moves somewhere and can’t speak to anyone but you it’s not going to be easy to be independent .

It is not fair for your mum to make you feel that youre responsible for her entire life and happiness.

66 is still a young older person. Why doesn't she volunteer which will help keep busy /make friends and make her feel useful valuable and wanted. Starting over in a new country in your late 60s seems a pretty extreme cure for loneliness! Why doesn't she join the WI , U3A or Age Concern and meet other older people living locally to her looking to make friends and wanting to join in with activities.....

At some point we often become a parent to our own parent/s…. but not when one of them is 66 and still fit and healthy enough to go to the gym.
I am going to be blunt. Your mum is putting you under immense pressure, and of course she has helped you in the past, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be an emotional dumpster.
She just sounds like one of those negative people who uses their children to pile their negative thoughts on, and your own children can already sense it.
If she comes to live in your country, she can use her own financial resources, and at 66 could have an actual life, as well as being great company to you and your family.
But if she really sees it as a stepping stone to living with you, and filling your home with gloom, don’t let her.
If she were 86, you might decide to put up with fixed ways and negative moods. But your mum could live for another thirty years.
It is very difficult to stand up to a parent when you never have. But you are the one who has a fair bit of power in this current situation. Use it to place firm boundaries in place before you do anything else.

You are her DD NOT her substitute husband. You shouldn't be asked to fill that gap by her. I wonder if the move over here will end up with you running around after her rather thN managing her life remotely.

What does your DH think about the situation? Your DC arent keen on her when she's living remotely so how does she think shes going to get involved in their teenage lives - shes missed the boat there!

Does she have f&f where she's living now? Is she likely to build a new life for herself over here or be very much reliant on you to plug that gap in her life?

But, as already said on this thread you are not responsible for your mother's happiness. If she is miserable most of the time, what do you think you can actually do to make her happy? I suggest nothing. You will do whatever she wants and she will stil be unhappy and what you offer will still not be enough.

You say you struggle with your own mental health. Do you expect your children to "fix" this for you? Or do you realise it's actually down to you?

Hehe, I'll be your mumsnet mum😁

I just want her to be happy and struggle to be at peace with my own life if I know she is miserable (which is most of the time)
I hear you and I would feel the same I'm sure. However, if I'm unhappy I tend not to 'dump' it on my adult (mid 30s) children.
She's not likely to change who she is now though and will be a product of her own upbringing, ie largely unable to help who she is.
It's very tricky to navigate!

Oh dear OP. I don't wish to infer things or be rude,but I can see this going pear shaped very quickly.
From what you've described,I can't see her being happy living an hour away from her. I suspect that you'll soon be doing numerous trips backwards and forwards,sorting out every minor little thing, because she's in a strange country/ doesn't speak the language/ doesn't know how things work/ doesn't know anyone else. You'll be doing all the life admin as well as social support.

I can also imagine that she'll expect to be there for every occasion,Sunday lunch,birthdays,Easter,Christmas/New Year,graduation,or just because she's lonely and she's your mother,so feels entitled to be involved.
What would the effect of this constant presence be on your DH/DC?

Would you be able to be honest with her and tell her that you don't feel that this move would be good for her? If not,then all you can do is delay,delay,delay. Say you've made an error on the forms and have to start again,paperwork has been lost,emails sent to the wrong address,person dealing with the case has gone off sick, whatever you can think of.
Best of luck!

OP, my impression that is that your mother not only wants payment in full for everything she did for you as a child she wants interest on it too!
But if you pay her back in full and with interest that leaves you nothing for yourself and for your children. We cannot pay our parents back in full we have to pay it forward to the next generation.
It feels as if she did things for you with the mindset that this is her insurance policy, that you are obligated to sacrifice yourself for her because she had you and brought you up. But this is not feasible
"your children are not your children, they are the sons and the daughters of life's longing to be free, they come through you but they are not from you"
etc.
We do not own our children. We owe it to them to do our best for them and then we hope they will do the best they can with their lives.

I am worried this might get far worse if she moves to your country OP.

If that's what happens does she have to live 1 hour away? That has its benefits but I can see you doing frequent two hour round trips!

I’m shocked at your mother’s sense of entitlement here. Expecting you to sort residency, buy her a flat, pay for multiple holidays and trips. If this was a husband and not a mother we’d all be querying financial abuse.

Does she speak the language of the country you live in ?

That sounds so difficult OP. I can relate to having a relative who used to do the guilt tripping.

I distanced myself. Used to answer the phone less, got the phone contact down to a level I was comfortable with. Was very hard, lots of guilt and also had another relative berate me for it.

Took years, because I was trying to change the "rules of engagement" in the relationship, but my relative didn't want it to change.

Eventually they did adjust and it's easier to spend time with them now.

She helped you at critical times in your life - because she is your mother! You will do the same for your kids, and so on…
you don’t owe her your whole life . Please forgive yourself and put in boundaries. She is really not old. She needs to find a life and stop trying to piggy back yours.