Am I being overly sensitive about this comment?

You are not being over sensitive OP. That was an awful, ungrateful comment. I hope you're ok

@unsync utter respect. Can totally see how it stings. Do you have anything to give you some joy in life just for you?

Elderly parents also don’t like that your help makes them feel old/weak/stupid and so they seem to attack you for helping because it makes their own failings and bad decisions real and in their face.

They also seem to value care (and bloody house repairs) so little that they don’t want to pay out for outside help.

We’re also taken for granted because it starts with ‘it’s no trouble…’ because buying a few extra groceries wasn’t much trouble… and I’d have visited anyway… it’s just a lift here and there… making a couple of phone calls. But slowly, slowly, then lightning fast you’re running a second household and phoning all the services between trying to do what you can to get all the additional needs met. Yet somehow you’re the bad guy and in front of you they tell the services that they can manage fine and they don’t get any help.

Someone wise on MN recently said that it doesn’t just impact on you, but also on those around you. Your child who isn’t getting your time and attention, your partner, your colleagues. It is exhausting and you have to have boundaries - don’t feel guilty for what you can’t do - decide what you can do (if anything) and limit it to that and give priority to the people who do appreciate you.

So next time the three month review comes up you tell him he goes on his own, that he upset you so much at the last ones with his unfair comments that you refuse to accompany him. To be honest you should have walked out when he said you did nothing, so he actually knew what nothing looks like.

I feel your pain @Theyearwas1973 There's a lack of appreciation and understanding.

I'm live in for my elderly parent. I do everything and organise the things I don't do personally. Literally every single thing is done by me. I have been told that I don't do anything. I could be living independently, with an income and pension contributions and a social life and a pet. I know I chose this as I promised the parent that died that remaining parent would be looked after, but it still stings.

You are not being over sensitive and I would withdraw all support, focus on yourself and your own family and leave him to it.

Visit your mother by all means but do not lift a finger whilst you're there. Tell him why and let him work the rest out for himself. Silly old man.

@honeylulu spot on about the parent thinking the (adult) child is inferior. As one of 3 I have always been the one they see as inferior. I am quiet and perhaps didn’t fill every social interaction with frankly ‘hot air and BS’ in the case of our DB. Yet our parents always lauded him as ‘so important’ in his job; actually he sounded and still does like a somewhat incompetent bully. As my Dc grew up I had never made any comments about what they might do and succeeded in getting into careers they really wanted all I heard from our parents about our DB kids was that it was the fault of the school/government etc that his kids couldn’t achieve their dreams. In truth their dreams were ridiculous and fuelled by DB. Actually all the kids had the same schooling, same colleges and lived in the same areas so that is rubbish. I often feel I can’t celebrate my DC hard graft and success as my DM just keeps saying ‘it’s so hard for young people’ as in my DB kids. I am definitely not worthy of any praise for anything I do or have done. Just endless criticism. Exhausting

To put it in perspective op - what did he do for his own parents? Was he an ever dutiful Son?

So tough for you OP. A little appreciation and acknowledgement would make a huge difference to how you feel I bet.

Does he seem to express appreciation for your sister/ the favourite? If so this is just a continuation of the golden child/scapegoat roles. The parent is so adamant that the children child is better and more worthy of praise that their input is bigged up and they close their eyes to the scapegoat child's input.

I noted your comment about him just not seeming able to show appreciation though it's not a matter of pride. For my parents I think they just consider me inferior and not worthy of thanks or praise.

Good for you for pulling back though don't be surprised if it gives him another "stick to beat you with".

Ugh this is so familiar. FIL spent the last 30 years squirrelling money away in the bank, never to be spent, whilst letting his house go to wrack and ruin around him.

When he suddenly fell ill last summer, that’s when he told MIL that she should look into having a downstairs bathroom installed. Well it was too bloody late. They had to rush through a will and POA too, because absolutely nothing was in place.

Now MIL is a widow and the house is completely unsuitable for her, in an awful state. It’s not even worth spending the immense amount of money required to get it in a decent condition, because she isn’t likely to feel the benefit. Keep hinting that she should be open to the idea of downsizing but I’m not sure if she will.

As for your dad @Theyearwas1973 unfortunately it’s a case of once a bully, always a bully. Age doesn’t soften them.

I'd step back. Next time you speak to him I'd be making the comment ' let me know when you want me to come round and make some sandwiches'.

What a nasty piece of work, your poor mum. I'd be pulling right back on any support.

It's hard as I know that will impact on mum but he needs to help himself more and like you say pay for help and cleaners etc.

That’d be it for me for a while. I’d be ‘too ill’ to help out. He is a rude idiot.

@Theyearwas1973 sounds exactly like my DH and his parents. Moved years ago to a really delightful manageable place which they maintain so it is really easy to look after but still a lovely space. They have a cleaner, gardening they manage themselves with a guy coming in every quarter to do the big jobs. Mine though….literally like yours and as you said mocked people. DF is now safe in a nursing facility - all being paid for as we secured CHC (continuing healthcare ). Even when we secured the CHC DM was not happy. Baffling. DM has picked off every relative neighbour and friend by her rudeness so everyone has backed off. She refused to let in a gardener we secured. The cleaner who came a few times decided to decline the job, even though we offered to double the rate. Yes my DM perhaps is struggling but at the same time absolutely defiantly tells us every suggestion to make life easier/nicer ‘isn’t what she wants’. It feels like as she is miserable with her lot we all have to be as well. Reality is she has always been that way so unlikely to change at this stage. Nothing is ever right. Also we know she does not have dementia we have had every test going.

You're absolutely not being overly sensitive and comments like this hurt. It sounds like you need to step back for the sake of your own mental health.

Maybe some older people just bury their heads in the sand when it comes to making changes when aging? I would point out how much he could make their lives easier if he paid for a little help instead of relying on you and your sister.

I sat in on numerous medical appointments when my mum has said that she has no family to help out. Eventually I just snapped and pointed out how much I was doing for her and dad. She looked embarrassed but didn't apologise.

It made me take a step back for a while but I still got dragged back in. These days I do get a very brief 'thank you' for after most visits and I recently heard that she was singing my praises to my sister (living overseas) but there's never any real appreciation.

He sounds vile. I would look after your mum, and tell him that as your help is of no value to him, you will not be doing the same for him, once your DM has passed.

The guilt is overwhelming BUT stop and think for a moment. You may feel guilty but you are NOT guilty. The guilt should sit with our elderly parents, often as with yours and mine with ample funds to employ professional assistance or have made sensible adaptations and arrangements to ‘future proof’ themselves. Mine just buried their heads in the sand about 20 years ago - literally mocking their peers who were downsizing or adapting their homes to ensure they could stay in the home they have always lived in. Every single suggestion made to adapt was met with utter derision as though we were a little bit ‘stupid’ that a downstairs bathroom might be a good idea. Every single suggestion that advice from medical professionals about proper care was met with derision. Yes this could have been a fear of aging and death on their part, however in my case it was simply either naive arrogance that they would never need outside help or frankly some kind of defiance disorder that they ‘knew better’ and when we need help the ‘family will rally’. No thought to the fact we are not all sat around with no lives of our own to lead, challenges ourselves, health issues, our own DC and grandchildren to care for. To anyone flaming those of us as not caring - trust me it takes incredible energy and is exhausting trying to help defiant, stubborn elderly parents.

I d also throw in the occasional passive aggressive- ‘if only you could afford a cleaner’.