Am I being overly sensitive about this comment?

You are not being oversensitive at all.
I have a difficult mother and I've learnt to just say what I think upfront. Especially about money.
She has more income than me and my husband yet would take the clothes off your back if you let her.
She relies on shame and guilt stopping you from calling her out.
But now days I just openly say.. 'you have more income than me and my husband combined I'm not paying for that.' If she tries nonsense.
I have also realised I was automatically doing things for her that she didn't do herself.. like cleaning.. bring round basic supplies.. because I didn't want anyone to think I didn't care about her or would allow her to live in squalor.
Thing is tho she could easily afford a cleaner.. she cam manage to go shopping for clothes in town by herself but apparently can't buy a hoover.. or bleach or bin bags or any boring necessary things...
I've learnt now to step back. I still feel the urge to come round with cleaning supplies and do it for her but I've realised this is a choice she's making..
I have 3 kids one of whom is a 4mo baby.. and I have a full time job to go back to as well... I am not her housemaid. It would be at the expense of my family if I were.
I know uts so hard to combat the guilt.. but your father is not taking proper responsibility for things whilst you step in..
And like my mother is pretending its your duty and/or the work you are doing doesn't exist so you don't need to be acknowledged or reimbursed for it.

Just stop doing it all. And if he talks nonsense about it you stand up for yourself abd you tell him straight what it costs you in money and time and the impact it has on your life.. and you tell him straight he could afford to pay someone a fair living wage for doing these things but instead he wants his daughters to make personal sacrifices for him.. and you tell him straight he is mean spirited and wrong.

In the early stage of MIL dementia my FIL berated her for not remembering birthdays etc. He refused any help from cleaners to carers. He would drive to the supermarket with her in nightclothes and leave her locked in the car in the car park. He would drive somewhere and take off - she would leave the car and become lost requiring police to find her. He would leave her sobbing in the car in the drive in nightclothes. He would take her comfort stuffed toys and pretend they had left to cause distress. She was not washed or clothed or toileted because it was too stressful for him. She had worked her whole life and had savings to pay for her care.

In the end she was admitted to a care home as he could not care for her. But then he transformed but really didn't. He was there all day every day and DOLS was instigated after he attacked staff and declared he wanted to remove her. He is still there every day years later, all day force feeding her and playing her nursery rhymes. If your whole life has been about controlling another it's hard to give that up. I think the staff should stand up to him but he is scary. Even after they called the police on him they still allow unrestrained access to a vulnerable person.

So sorry you are experiencing this - men should not determine what support a woman receives - especially when it means controlling her money/savings.

I would file this under “dad is a selfish git”. Think no more of it- he isn’t going to change now.

I think guilt is something we all live with, when it comes to parents. I have DD and have vowed she will not be my carer and I’ll never ask her to do things for me. You don’t have a child so they can look after you when you get older! Quite a few of DH’s friends have emigrated, so they cannot provide care. They see parents once or twice a year and that’s it.

Do what you can, what you feel you want to do and leave it at that.

@thinkfast - also this. Remind him. (Don’t expect him to care though!). Look after yourself.

If I were you OP, I'd still look after your DM (to a reasonable extent and amount that you can cope with), but I'd start calling your DF out.

"Wanna make Mums sandwiches Dad? No I thought not"
"Wanna cut mums nails and wash her hair dad? I wonder who would wash your hair if you can't manage it one day?"
Etc etc etc
He'll soon realise how much you do.

I think you should also be livid. But you know what, if he’s big and brave enough to dish it out he can absolutely be on the receiving end.

Given that you “make a few sandwiches” he can do without all the rest of the services he has felt entitled to without a whiff of gratitude.
And I would tell him why “Since it was nothing, you won’t even notice not having it. You know, I learned that other people should clean at your knee.”
“Why on earth would I clean up after someone as ungrateful and entitled as you are? You certainly wouldn’t, but then of course, you think shit-work is only for women, don’t you?”

His attitude is enraging, he’s absolutely brazen that cleaning is beneath him. Your poor mother, being married to such a pig.
And presumably he’s an absolute baby about it as well, that he has to be emotionally molly coddled.
You know what OP, you will feel so much better if you turn on him, go for the jugular, and let him experience all the decades of rage.

@LizzieBennett73 that is heartbreaking.

My late father in law lived in what we assumed to be poverty. Thread bare carpets, bed and mattress that were over 40 years old. No renovation or improvement to the house since purchased in the 1980s. It worried and upset me, as he refused to accept that DH's stepmother had dementia and he refused all help (we now understand that it was because he was expected to pay). When he died and DH was given the value of his estate, we both were both absolutely furious because although his stepmother wasn't a very nice person she really suffered in her last couple of years and that suffering was completely unnecessary. All because he would rather that money sat in the bank than help someone he was supposed to love.

I deeply regret not having involved social services, because hard as it is to say out loud, he was abusing her by witholding care that would have made her life easier. She had no dignity at the end.

It might be worth arranging to go and speak to them at a time when your parents aren't there, and (take a list) explaining all the things you do for them, and that your dad simply doesn't seem to take on board everything that you have to do, and all he sees is that you 'make sandwiches' and your sister does the cleaning.

They need to know the score really, and they will then be better placed to help your mum (and advocate for you should the need arise).

@Theyearwas1973 ’constant battle’. It is so true. Dealing with the general situation is a struggle and exhausting but I feel like while I am doing all the things for DM she thinks it is ok to be some kind of overseer/clerk of works/Ofsted inspector letting me know whatever I do it isn’t quite good enough. I have said it before having watched my Mum pick off really good people trying to help until they literally have to walk away my sense is ( and memory of how she has always treated people) she gets a buzz seeing people fall by the wayside. She likes the thrill of seeing a broken hull of a decent person. My DS made a great point. He observed that my Mum his grandmother has always been super competitive. He suggested her behaviour means she ‘wins’ however negative the outcome when people walk away due to being out of ideas etc.Almost like she is so special no ordinary person can help.

Somebody wise on here said “ we do it because if who we are, not who they are”

When you stop caring about his opinion, you become better equipped to manage it.

At the moment he gets a bit of a boost at your expense. When you just smile, look at the carer/support worker/GP and say ‘Ah, Dad! You hate being dependent on us, don’t you!’

oh dad, Mrs Williams knows how often she speaks to me.

It’s ok, Dad. You don’t need to say thank you. I do it because Mum would want me to.

etc etc.

At the moment you are stuck in painful, ‘keep the peace, surely he cares’ mode. Let it go. You’ll feel better.

One thing I learned via caring is that when parents get to certain age, you can’t change them.
If there is one who is being difficult and ungrateful, when you long for a bit of gratitude and recognition, you will be waiting forever. I was pretty lucky but I’ve seen so many friends looking after a parent who is rude to them and takes them for granted.
Any professional who comes into contact with your family will meet people like your dad every day. They will also meet carers like you who are given no thanks.
Keep being there for your mum as much as you can.
It can be a marathon and not a sprint.
I am not sure how things are working but it would be a good idea at some point for you and your sister to have POA and some ability to provide care, cleaning etc from that pot of money that your parents have.
Make sure you have regular time out.

I haven't read all the responses, so sorry if I'm repeating this but 100% the carers know how much you do for them. She was probably feeling uncomfortable for you having to put up with an ungrateful parent. It's obvious when a child has a lot of involvement, and I'd say more than the fair share of elderly men are grumpy.

You're doing an awesome job, you sound amazing. Make sure to stand firm for yourself but don't expect things to change.

I hope you and your sister get on well as having that support from someone who understands can be a huge help.

Thing is, I’m not really doing any of this for my dad as I see what a selfish man he is but for my mum. My mum was/is lovely, she was a lovely mum and was a great daughter to her selfish father. I don’t want to give up on her in her hour of need, that’s where my emotions are so conflicted all the time. If it were the other way around and dad had the dementia mum would have been so very grateful for anything we helped her with. Even now she tells me what wonderful daughters she has and thanks me all the time. It breaks my heart.

for your own piece of mind, i think you need to carry on for your mum. But you need to be very clear to your dad that you are doing zip for him. and just carry on.

You can only be taken for granted if you allow yourself to be. I'd suggest you tell him how hurtful his comment was, and that if your help isn't significant, you won't be round for a month and you'll see him then.

I read the phrase” invisible mending” which resonated with me- all the stuff we do without making a song and dance and goes unnoticed or unacknowledged because the elderlies cannot face their own decline- and who can blame them in a way?
please please protect yourself and your family.

You are not being over sensitive. Maybe one way to overcome the guilt would be to consider whether your father would have done do much for his own parents. I am guessing not.

So many adults on here dealing with difficult elderly parents it’s crazy. I can only imagine how my parents would’ve reacted had I been so defiant, stubborn and downright uncooperative during my adolescence years . They in fact, DM especially regularly threatened to “never speak to you again” for incredibly minor misdemeanours such as “being a teenager”. So scared of that threat or manipulation I always gave in so never got the chance to develop my own identity. She is still manipulating and it is all scare tactics so we get in the car and dash over to yet another none problem. I think at times she is just defiant and wants to see us utterly broken.