Am I being overly sensitive about this comment?

I have heated discussions with dh about it because he thinks my dad is a self arsehole and I need to do less but I feel torn between the two of them and the stress has caused me so many physical issues that I no longer want to go out or socialise as I feel dreadful half the time

This really struck me. Your husband is entitled to his opinion on your dad (and he's right, by the way) but his job is to support you, not to cause you even more stress.

Hope you feel better soon 💐

@Theyearwas1973 I hope you don't feel too poorly, it can be a nasty lingering strain. Don't rush back as soon as you are testing negative, if you push yourself too much before you're ready it makes you worse in the long run.

I am sorry about your DM but the current situation seems unsustainable so there was always going to be an emergency that forced the issues out into the open.

"but he’s not contacted me to see how I am so there you go." - and he'll claim 'I've been left to deal with your mother ON MY OWN; I have no time to make phone calls to you to see how you are!!' Whereas shoe on other foot, you are expected to be at his beck and call no matter what's going on in your life.

I agree with other PP's who say just stick to doing stuff for your lovely Mum.

Every time he moans about his Saturdays/Sundays being ruined by having to help wash your Mum, remind him 'But Dad, you have enough money to be able to afford the carer to come in Sat/Sun too?' If he says he's not doing that, your reply, every time, has to be 'then stop moaning about it'.

And I hope you feel better soon!

It's very difficult, OP. From my own experience, I think an elderly parent who's used to feeling strong and in charge gets personal reassurance from 'putting you in your place' and dismissing you rather than being grateful for help. It's horribly stressful being the safety net without any support or acknowledgement. Personally I'd be like a broken record in bringing up your parents' savings and how they can be used to improve your mum's quality of life. I wouldn't spare your dad in talking about it with other people either. But I wouldn't do less for your mother - the guilt later on would be unbearable.

Yep he’s to used to people running round after him; was your mum, now you and your sister. He sounds very lazy and entitled. I distinctly remember your previous post and how dreadful he is. I would take a major step back from doing stuff e.g. not making the sandwich for your mum when she goes to the day centre, he either makes a sandwich or pays for the lunch. He can’t have it both ways, even though he wants that! He either sorts stuff himself or pays for it

Be less available and more boundaried. He obviously don’t like this and will escalate. So what. l can see why your DH is unhappy about the situation as your Dad is taking the piss and is majorly ungrateful

Hi, just another perspective here. Your children deserve to have the attention you are focusing on your father. You chose to have them and you shouldn't neglect them for him.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my dh and his father - a nasty selfish FIL who has trained his 2 children to focus on his needs over anyone else's. Its then me who has to focus the attention that our children should have and keep reminding dh that it's childhood training that keeps him feeling like his fathers needs should triumph everyone else's.

It's actually really selfish of you to keep this dynamic going because it's essentially because you feel guilty if you don't. But what about your children that you chose to have?

You can't change your dad, he is who he is. You can only change how you react to him. Stop expecting or hoping he'll be appreciative or grateful for your support - he won't. Remind yourself that you're doing it for your mum, not him. Don't help him with his finances or life admin unless it directly effects your mum. Tell him that he can well afford to pay a cleaner and weekend carers and that you will not be stepping into those roles because you have a job, a family and a house of your own to clean. Don't allow his moaning to make you feel guilty. You are doing your best to look after your mum so be proud of yourself for that.

I would gave you as my daughter any day!

Ignore him as best you can and carry on doing what you are doing.

You are not being overly sensitive but I think that your father really doesn’t see all that (and your sister) do and doesn’t appreciate it.

He is used to having people run around after him doing everything and making his life run smoothly. It will have been your mother for many many years and now it is you. People like this (usually men) really don’t understand that washing doesn’t do itself (I’d bet he has said things like “you don’t do the washing, the washing machine does it” to you mother) or that shopping doesn’t just appear in the cupboards.

This underlying attitude will also be skewed in favour of your sister so that he will notice and appreciate some but not all of what she does.

He won’t change, he won’t thank you for doing it, he won’t even notice you doing it.

You could stop doing things but then they just won’t get done and you mother will suffer. You need to find some middle ground where you do some but not all and most importantly DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT.

This might not help you, but I actually laughed reading your dad’s words. I think a bit of good humour helps in these situations!

I’s born in the 90s, lucky my mother and father both young in their 50s, I have a grandmother and my great grandparents passed away not long ago. And we never questioned how much money they have, we always cleaned and cooked and did everything for them. It’s an obligation by birth. Money doesn’t matter, and to be fair, you’re going to inherit it anyway, so may as well work for it.

Don’t take his remarks to heart and definitely have some fun with him and some laughs! He’s your dad after all! (Imagine what he endured during your and your sister’s puberty 🫣)

You are doing an amazing job with an incredibly hard illness.

I'd just help my Mum. If your Dad doesn't see you as helping. He can ask your sister if he needs something.

I hope you can get more help. 💐

If he thinks you do so little start doing absolutely nothing then he'll realise.

It's hard when one sibling gets the lions share. I was expected to drop everything to.care for my mother when she was terminal with cancer when I worked full time and don't own property. I live alone so what would happen if I lost my job due to caring for mum? How would I pay my rent?

My sister didn't work and owned a flat outright feom.the divorce settlement. And did nothing for our mother; she used an excuse of having a 10-year-old who lives with her dad half of the time to say she couldn't do any care because she's a single mum. So my sister doesn't work. Her child was with its father half the time. And was 10 years old and she did nothing and she did nothing but get at me for what she wasn't doing for her mother when she had the time.

Honestly, wash your hands of it. Your mother has a husband at home full-time he can deal with her.

@PocketSand that's awful, so sorry

@Theyearwas1973 be careful with the social services assessments and very clear with how much you and dsis can do. It's great they note that you visit regularly, but this can swiftly move onto 'has 2 daughters nearby who can cover all care needs'

You are doing so much but you are right, you can't pour from an empty cup and do need to make sure you have time to be a wife, a mum, a friend and most importantly, just you.

Hope the counselling goes well today. You definitely are not over sensitive, your Dad was very mean and selfish to say what he did and to not use some of their money to help your Mum more

His sarcasm may be due in part to pride and an unwillingness to accept and acknowledge how much help they actually need.

TBH family carers rarely get much appreciation - unless they're unable to help for whatever reason! I hurt my back and literally couldn't walk properly so couldn't help DPs for 12 days until I recovered. It opened their eyes big time as to how much they relied on me for the basics! And how useless DSibs were when they needed to step up and fill the gap.

Sounds like you need a holiday so book 2 weeks and let them cope. It may open their eyes, and would give you a chance to decompress.

Oh dear that sounds really hard. I definitely wouldn't worry about the day centre staff's view of you: I imagine they are really used to people misrepresenting situations.
I hope you can find some peace with it all.

You may want to have a meeting without the aged parents, but I’m sure the Support team will have realised how much support is quietly occurring. It would be horribly obvious if the help was missing.

we had a very similar situation with my father, and it was a quiet meeting about POA and end of life wishes when the team made it clear to my brother and me that they completely grasped the situation and how often it occurred that support was overlooked by the ageds. It was hugely reassuring that they saw through the story dad was telling.

you can only do what you can, and try to keep a sense of perspective about it. It’s no comfort to say many do a lot less, but they do. But that guilt seems to be bred into us…

You’re being very wise.

A suggestion- when people say things like ‘mums nails need doing’, don hear it as a complaint or a suggestion. We people pleasers assume it’s a passive aggressive instruction but it may just be a comment- and even if it isn’t, you can treat it as one.
‘Oh dear, do they?’, is all you need to say.

Dotto with your dad. ‘I expect it is tiring dad. Do look after yourself as well!’.

And don’t be afraid to mention your needs-
‘I’m exhausted at the moment, between worrying about work, the kids, and trying to help you and mum as well. We’re all getting worn out!’.

Maybe tell your dad you need to contact social services to do a proper assessment of her needs. They will then set up a plan and he will have to pay or refuse and then deal with the local authority. Financial elder abuse is a crime. Call age concern, I found them extremely helpful when dealing with my parents before I ended up going no contact.
Your father is with holding care from a vulnerable elderly lady, it's is their money not his money. I would be furious at him allowing her to suffer, go unwashed just because he is selfish and too mean to support his wife, it is his responsibility not yours.

@Theyearwas1973 your dad knows exactly how rude and hurtful he is, he doesn't care, unless he is so stupid he doesn't understand what he is saying. I work in a very male dominated industry at the top, there is indeed a bit of banter but not insults.
You are right he doesn't appreciate what you do, you do it for free and he expects it. You put no value on your time, neither does he, let him start paying for help.
Those that work in the elderly care sector are better placed to deal with difficult unpleasant people, we are not, we do our best (which is never deemed enough) but we are emotionally connected which confuses the boundaries of common decency. You are not obligated to do anything.
When my parents started behaving like this I became unavailable. It is easier to accept he will not change, my experience was it got worse with age, you can choose to put up with it or not. You can not negotiate or reason with a bullying parent. How much did he do for his aging parents? I doubt he helped them. He is a selfish fool.

You need to stop doing anything for a month other than visiting your mum, Don't take your mum to the day centre, let your father do that. Speak to your sister and tell her why you are cutting back for a month. Stay strong.

If you 'do nothing' for your dad, it won't matter if you stop doing it. Time to step back and let him see how much you actually do - but don't go back to setting yourself on fire to keep him warm!

OP, I sympathise, and know exactly what you are dealing with.

I know this feels impossible, but you must try and get some emotional separation from this.

It is already impacting your own family, causing tension in your marriage, and damaging your mental health.

If possible make a list of the things that your parents actually need help with, and the things that are ‘nice to haves’.

Then identify the ones that you can do and are fully willing to do. Not squeezed in, under duress, but that you can accommodate.

If your relationship with your sister is good, you could do this with her, and tick the things that equally and can take on and us willing to undertake without stress.

Then list as a matter of fact how the other things can be done. E.g extend morning carer hours or get 2 visits a day / get a taxi / get a cleaner/ get a gardener etc.

Do not engage in your Dad’s manipulative antics. Grey rock: “ I cannot commit to that I suggest you get extra help” on repeat.

If he starts on about love, faaaaamily and duty, “I do love you, I care about you both but this is about what is practically possible in my life, I have laid out what I can do to help, and you have the resources to solve the other issues”. On repeat.

Most of all: believe it separate yourself from his accusations. Imagine you are actually covered in Teflon. You really ARE a great daughter, but you need to be a great friend to yourself, to your kids, to your DH.

Be motivated by what you can actually do, don’t be driven by guilt into what you can’t

Sending tea and strength.