Sibling and recently death of parent.

28 replies

makesmesad1977 · 04/07/2024 20:23

My mum died recently leaving my Dad. They'd had a long marriage and were together from the age of 15. He was devastated at losing her suddenly. She was disabled but she wasn't expected to die. I feel so sad for my Dad. One of my siblings has not even contacted him since the funeral two months ago to see how he is doing. My Dad has always been a good dad, sometimes a bit grumpy but would always have gone without himself and often did for us all. I know it is none of my business but I can't help but feel so sad for my Dad. Even on Father's Day no card or phone call. we live close to my dad and are in contact everyday so my sibling knows he is not alone but I still think it's important to show he cares.Has anyone else experienced this with siblings?

OP posts:

EmotionalBlackmail · 06/07/2024 09:14

Male sibling? Sounds very normal . They often don't seem to engage their brains with situations like this. Mine forgot to send our parent birthday cards so the lack of a Fathers' Day card would also fit!

You just have to do what you want and can do, and leave them to whatever they're doing. It's frustrating, especially if the elderly person is upset
about it.

Original poster

makesmesad1977 · 05/07/2024 11:13

@BlueLegume Thank you - I needed this. I would never say anything to my sibling nor have I said anything to anyone in real life.I needed to get it off my chest and this is a safe place to do it where Ican't hurt anyone feels or come across as judgemental (apart from to strangers). Thank you for the reminder that every one deals with a loss differently. The lack of contact has been hurting my heart when I think of my Dad - I know it hurts him but he would never say anything. I'm hoping that with time things will change and that he will maybe just drop him a weekly or monthly call to see how he is doing. I know that it would really boost my Dad's spirits and he has been done so well the last couple of months adjusting to the change. I really hope that his lack of contact is not indicative of his care for him and it is just his way of dealing with things.

OP posts:

BlueLegume · 05/07/2024 09:48

@makesmesad1977 sorry for your situation and the loss of your Mum.I do think we all react differently to situations and sometimes trying to understand and accept someone is doing something differently to you or what you expect of them can be a waste of energy. I can see your point of view but also would add that many people simply do not have the skills to deal with what is happening in a way acceptable to others. It is really difficult and I wish there was a handbook reminding us to all try and pull together in these situations, but there isn’t. In my experience tempers get frayed and anger is directed at the wrong person. Also, and I tread carefully here, the way you show care and the way your sibling shows care might be very different. I think it is slightly dangerous to assume your sibling doesn’t care. We all have different experiences with parents and it might be that your sibling needs a bit of time to digest things. Personality also comes into this. It may well be that your personality is to want to check in with your Dad, that might not be comfortable for your sibling. Finding a balance is so difficult but I think trying not to force someone to do things ‘your way’ may be a way to avoid conflict. Long winded I know but as someone tied up in a fraught situation I have learnt ‘judging’ each other is really unhealthy and unhelpful.

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