Sibling and recently death of parent.

Yes @makesmesad1977 I've had a near identical experience.
It's always the brothers isn't it?

I would love to know the psychology behind why adult children often do this to ageing parents who they've had a decent relationship with..

I think there are a number of possible reasons

one is that death of a parent ( and the lead up to it) often acts as a microscope on family relatinonships. In grief people can focus on stuff that shifts how they feel. A good relationship may in grief be made into a perfect one. An average relationship into a bad one. A bad relationship into a catastrophic one.

people bring their own baggage with them. A sibling who did nothing to help or care if it was needed prior to death may feel guilty so justify their own actions by lying to themselves that the parent was a bad parent and they had a bad realationsip.

siblings may not always know how the other feels about the parent. you may think there was a decent relationship but they may not - and that feeling may be total rubbish (need to lie to themselves) or it may be fair.

grief makes everyone go a bit insane.

men (stereotype but true) don't deal very well with intense emotional stuff (as parental death and lead up is) and many find it easier to run away.

men who are married tend to always prioritise their wife, children, in-laws and new family at all costs over parents and birth family. So minor and trivial needs of the marriage family trump major crises and important serious needs of their parents or birth family. women tend not do to this and stay close if there was a good relationship.

Because its only when it stops, you might have time to process the hurt.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Do you have a very close relationship with your sibling? I get the feeling you don't if you say you can't bring yourself to mention anything to him about the situation?

It is hard to see your DF struggling and all it would take would be for your sibling to make an hour visit, a phone call, an invitation to lunch and it would make the world of difference wouldn't it. I have a male sibling but he has never made any kind of effort with our parents. Dreadfully selfish and a 'me me me' attitude. And similar to another PP, he was always our DM's favourite.

I had a male sibling move abroad and he did NOTHING. The odd phone call was just about himself. He is and previously the most selfish self absorbed person I have met!

I think when you are abroad you are one step removed and he allow others |(i.e me!) to do everything. The only benefit is that he doesnt ever critize me - I suspect he wouldnt dare as he would get it with both barrels.

Parent has passed away now and he didnt come to the funeral. Said his legs hurt on long haul flights. I am sorting out the estate and again I get no issue from him regarding this which my solicitor said is unusual.

He was the favourite too.

@jannier apologies. I do understand that wasn’t what was said I understand that the poster is concerned about their DF and that the sibling is not checking in as the poster thinks they should do. My point was badly made. Firstly there are cases - not this one- where the parent child relationship is poor or broken. There are instances when an adult child might simply not have the skills to do what might seem reasonable. Equally there might be things going on no one else knows about. Judging how we should all “behave” just to me isn’t particularly helpful. As adult siblings I have one I’m close to and one I’m not. We are all civil but the one I’m not close to knows nothing about my life but chooses to be incredibly judgmental about how I do things. Judging is sometimes dangerous. No harm meant by my previous comment.

This isn't what was said at all

It’s a tricky one. Elderly seemingly lonely person. Adult children seem to not care. Reality is elderly parent absolutely never cared or contacted the now adult child. Tricky dynamic now expecting attention.

Then I wouldn't care if he got annoyed he's an arse

@Stl
My siblings and I have a real range of views on our parents.
You might be on to something, or it might also be a view / influence of a partner or a perceived slight … but it’s never so bad that they hand back the inheritance…

My Dad has always been a good dad, sometimes a bit grumpy but would always have gone without himself and often did for us all

Maybe your Dad being grumpy had a much bigger effect on your sibling than you realize. My siblings and I have a real range of views on our parents.

Having been on this board for about 10 years, OP, I'd say it is incredibly common for one sibling to step way back after death of one parent. I don't think the moving-on siblings are especially overwhelmed by the loss. I suspect their focus on their birth family has shifted and been deprioritised They have other relationships and friendships which are more relevant. The only thing that keeps them in touch is their 'right' to an inheritance.

My family are close so maybe different, but I would check in with my brother and then say dad is really struggling and needs our support can you call him at least once a week so he knows you understand.

And this is relevant because?

Well, your Dad could contact him.
I'm not saying he should but he could, for a chat.
Maybe older males are the same.

I have two brothers who never lifted a finger (or a phone) or put themselves out for one moment for our parents. There were sisters who were supposed to deal with all that. The only interest ever shown was about money.

Sadly, this does not seem to be uncommon.

Its a very strong bond, the sibling bond. People underestimate it.

So sorry for your loss OP.
I am so glad I am an only child. Having seen my mum go through what she did caring for my gran with just me to help, despite having 3 siblings who seem pretty unaffected y her death, I am glad it’s just me. Too much disappointment.

Grieve your way. Be there for your dad and try and forget your selfish sibling.

Sorry for your loss, OP.
My DB conveniently disappeared for around 8 years with rare appearances when my DF died. Surprise, surprise when DParents estate is about to pay out a modest sum, he is back on the scene.
Then he will disappear again.
i guess , in rather a blunt way, you are mourning DBro departure as well.
I think it’s incredibly common, sadly.