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Elderly parents
Original poster

Inheritance

63 replies

Sillybluecat · 04/07/2024 17:07

Two years ago my parents bought a second
property for £550k and let my brother live in it rent free.
They explained to myself and 2 sisters that that house would transfer to my brother when they died and us 3 daughters would be compensated.
Their main home is worth £1.6m and they live in the Channel Islands which are inheritance tax free.
My father has dementia and my mother is currently trying to transfer the smaller
house to my brother in her lifetime, but that is proving difficult due to my father’s health so
it has to remain in their names but if my dad dies first she can do the transfer (another story).

Whilst this has been going on my sisters and I have seen the will and are now aware that after the smaller house transfers to my brother, their remaining estate will be divided equally by 4 - no adjustment made.

My Mum has offered to pay off our mortgages which all happen to be £150k which we are o visually grateful for. but will not adjust for the £400k difference she is adamant that our brother will have the same share so
a house and a quarter. She says we all
own a house now and will all have money for retirement so what’s the problem. Us girls see it as her just paying off our loans not buying us a house.

We feel so hurt and upset and feels very unfair. We are a lot older than my brother he is 42 and we are 58, 56 and 53. We have worked hard, gone through divorce and suffered loss, to pay mortgages and bills, our health is not the best and at times we have had to work more than one job. I visit the island a lot to help my mum to give her a break. My sisters live overseas.

This is making me feel resentment and think my brother can do it, so as you see already causing trouble between siblings. I have 4 children of my own and wouldn’t dream of trying them differently over such a large amount of money.

It’s hard to know how to move forward with this situation. Does anyone have advice or been through something similiar? TIA

OP posts:
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Original poster
Sillybluecat · 24/07/2024 19:45

Theoldwrinkley · 24/07/2024 19:24

Without appearing rude, how old are your parents? My Mum died years ago, but had a very biased view that boys deserve more. When her Mum died (talking 1970's now) the grandson (my brother) recieved double what the girls recieved. This 'boys are best' attitude still v firmly embedded in the family
As your brother so much younger, obviously (?) wanted a boy. So is he seen as extra special?

My mum is 80 and my dad is 85
My brother has always been the favourite and yes this could be because my parents had 3 daughters and 11 years later had the boy.

OP posts:
Theoldwrinkley · 24/07/2024 19:24

Without appearing rude, how old are your parents? My Mum died years ago, but had a very biased view that boys deserve more. When her Mum died (talking 1970's now) the grandson (my brother) recieved double what the girls recieved. This 'boys are best' attitude still v firmly embedded in the family
As your brother so much younger, obviously (?) wanted a boy. So is he seen as extra special?

Iwasafool · 24/07/2024 19:14

My mother was a widow with 3 kids to bring up. When she died there was enough money to bury her. Money wasn't something any of us thought about but I was broken hearted that she gave my brother my father's medals. I was the one who used to polish them for him and listen to his war stories, my brother wouldn't have the first clue about what he did in the war. There could have been a fortune in money and it wouldn't have made up for those medals, some things are more important than money.

Purpletractor · 24/07/2024 16:53

My DM didn’t include me in her will and told me (she’s still alive). Estate was to be split between 2 other siblings. We are all comfortably off. She can do what she likes with her money. What she can’t do is control the consequence of that decision. She has gone from my rock to someone that I speak to when I have to. She has subsequently said that she has now changed her will, but all my trust in her has gone. Our relationship is completely ruined. I totally get it @Sillybluecat

Original poster
Sillybluecat · 06/07/2024 14:03

ScribblingPixie · 06/07/2024 10:32

I think that is absolutely the way to go - for your brother to reassure your mother that he'd be ok with the will being adjusted (if he is) rather than any of you pressuring your mother and damaging your relationship with her. Much better for the siblings to discuss it and try to reach agreement without giving her more stress.

Thanks so much, this is very good advice and we are hoping by keeping this communication going between siblings we can work together to provide good advice, care for our mum, putting her health and care first but also working collaborated to avoid any bad feelings or disputes in the future. Open communication is always the key xx

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 06/07/2024 10:32

I think that is absolutely the way to go - for your brother to reassure your mother that he'd be ok with the will being adjusted (if he is) rather than any of you pressuring your mother and damaging your relationship with her. Much better for the siblings to discuss it and try to reach agreement without giving her more stress.

Original poster
Sillybluecat · 05/07/2024 18:17

He might do that, but we also do respect my mums wishes.
I don't just want her money and she knows that. When I was growing up my dad worked 12 hrs a day, often on a Sunday too and would say to us kids I don't see you much but I'm doing this for you all so you are comfortable. He even told us he had a book and he wrote everything given to us down so it would be fair, so this was a bit of a shock. We now can't find this book!!
My mum tells me regularly what a kind and loving daughter I am and everything I do is for love, otherwise I would leave my brother to get on with it. My sisters and I just want it to be fairer as that's how we believed we were bought up and how we treat our own children

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 05/07/2024 17:58

I hope your mum doesn't feel like all you all want is her money. Money shouldn't divide families but often it does , he could just give up his financial share of the big house and mum wouldn't need to get involved.

Original poster
Sillybluecat · 05/07/2024 17:47

Thank you for your understanding.
Funny you should say that but my brother spoke to my younger sister today and as the only executor to this will he did admit that he would feel uncomfortable reading this out. She pointed out that of course mum's care must come first but if monies allowed if we could come to some understanding that a fairer split, doesn't have to be the full amount and we are not expecting the increase in equity on his home it would help with relations.

He agreed and said he wanted to talk to mum about this, so feeling better.
I've found all the responses to my post very interesting and varied.
I'm not looking for sympathy and I do understand people own life experiences can cloud their views but I have always tried to see both sides and that why I welcome all opinions and its extremely helpful to question oneself. Also I study psychology so it all very fascinating. Thanks xx

OP posts:
Sawitch · 05/07/2024 17:09

I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of sympathy, although I can appreciate you see it as unfair. The only financial gift or inheritance I received from my parents was £8k after my mum’s death. My MIL died after my DH and left everything to her surviving children and nothing to my DC.

YellowAsteroid · 05/07/2024 13:46

There is clear favouritism here @Sillybluecat You are not unreasonable to feel so upset. Your parents clearly see you as a “cooper” while your brother seems to have a good dose of “learned helplessness.”

it is do often the son who is seen in this way and the daughters whose care and coping is taken for granted.

what about laying this out to your brother and pointing out that he needs to do a LOT more to care for his parents?

Original poster
Sillybluecat · 05/07/2024 12:34

ScribblingPixie · 05/07/2024 11:57

'Two houses between them'? They are divorced.

Yes they are divorced

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 05/07/2024 11:57

'Two houses between them'? They are divorced.

Original poster
Sillybluecat · 05/07/2024 11:44

ScribblingPixie · 05/07/2024 11:19

Your brother has teenage children - their grandchildren - but didn't own his own home? So this has been about providing stability for all of them presumably.

At the moment both properties are in my parents names and when they have passed it is their intention for the smaller property to transfer to my brother. He sees it as a gift, we see it as early inheritance.
He said to me they have made it complicated I wish they had just given me £550k and say go and buy a house. His 2 children live with their mum in a nice house, they are 12 and 15. So two houses between them.
I have 4 children age 33, 32, 30, 20
My younger sisters have 4 between them age 25, 22, 18, 17 and we all have a small house each

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillybluecat · 05/07/2024 11:20

ScribblingPixie · 05/07/2024 11:19

Your brother has teenage children - their grandchildren - but didn't own his own home? So this has been about providing stability for all of them presumably.

Yes the property will pass to his 2 children

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 05/07/2024 11:19

Your brother has teenage children - their grandchildren - but didn't own his own home? So this has been about providing stability for all of them presumably.

eggplant16 · 05/07/2024 10:03

So much of this resonates with me. Although the funds were nothing like in this league.
Only 2 of us siblings. Dad died, left a mess. Sibling and Mum have a chat, I get a quarter. At the time I accepted this as no wish to upset a very old person.
Now saddled with grief, pain and the knowledge that my AC are working to pay rent and it may never alter.

Its a horrible thing to be in your life.

Original poster
Sillybluecat · 05/07/2024 09:14

Thank you for all your comments and advice.
I've really reflected on this.
I have come away from the idea of comparing £150k v £550k when thinking about the houses because obviously house prices vary in area and at what time you enter the property market.
My mum's wishes are to secure us with a roof each and leave us all comfortable and for that I am so very grateful even through it seemed I wasn't.
Some people suggested it was the gesture rather than the value and that was a big thing for me and the change in explanation from 2 years ago. At this time my dad did not show signs of dementia and I knowing my dad I strongly think it was his idea for us to think this and then after their deaths we would discover this. It probably didn't sit right with my mum and now she is in control of the finances wants to address the imbalance, secure us with a roof each and hopefully care depending leave us each with equal amounts for our old age. When this came out it was an emotional conversation that my mum
instigated and when I did question it she became very angry and aggressive I had to leave her house for 2 hours and the returned but we were both crying we held each other and said we loved each other. I do realise love is a what is important, I am a mother too I have 4 grown up boys all finding it hard to own their own homes.
I know my parents love me and I will continue to care for them. I live an hours plane trip away, I visit to help often, my brother is very busy with his work and teenagers. I have time and as is often the case it's the daughters that are the carers. , I am happy to do this and always have been.
Thank you again it was very interesting to read so many different perspectives

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 04/07/2024 22:59

Your parents are very elderly so I wouldn't give them a hard time. Life must be very difficult for your mum and your father has the horror of dementia - you'll feel bloody guilty after they've died if you say hurtful things now to either of them. And that will damage your life more than receiving, what, £550,000 instead of £650,000 - my maths if probably way out but you get the gist. Get some perspective on that, really!
Of course the division of money is not strictly fair, but your mother wants to divide her home between the four of you fairly. And she wants to see you all secure in your own homes because she loves you all. Your brother was 40 and didn't own his own home, so they put that right. She's paying off all of your mortgages, so in her mind it's fair because now you're all secure - and that presumably gives her peace of mind. It doesn't make sense to you. But it's their money, their right to do what they want with it.
She may well come to realise that the will cause problems between her children, wait and see. But do try to appreciate how lucky you are, OP, and that this doesn't mean your parents love your brother more than you. The idea that you would be thinking of offering your mother less help when she needs it because of this is pretty awful.

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/07/2024 22:12

ReachedEndofTether · 04/07/2024 18:20

^ This. I find it astonishing how many elderly people can't understand why it's not fair to treat their main caregivers less favourably than their other/another child. As though they don't value the caregiving child at all, they just want to take, take, take of that child's time and energy.

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I dont get your point given the only one who lives on the island is the son.

The person providing support and care is most likely the son as the sisters are a plane ride away....

Puravida23 · 04/07/2024 21:41

My brother lives with my mother (father died a long time ago). When she goes the house will go 100% to him along with any monies. My sister and I have requested jewellery but not worth significant amounts compared with my brother’s potential inheritance
I am grateful to my brother for the support he has provided my mother . My sister and I both have houses my brother dosent. I may add that both my sister and I have worked hard all our lives and my brother has had a more erratic working career which has never allowed him to buy a house
But I never doubt my mother dosent love us all the same despite the inequity of the potential inheritance . It has simply been divided on a needs basis
Maybe your parents are just thinking the same and your brother needs the second house more which it sounds like is true. It sounds like you will still potentially benefit hugely I would just focus on this

Netcam · 04/07/2024 21:29

Iwasafool · 04/07/2024 19:28

Particularly when you are being offered £150k now and half a million at some stage.

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Exactly. It's a lot more than most of us will ever have in savings. Life isn't fair. The difference between those who inherit and those who don't in this world creates huge inequalities. You are very fortunate to be in this position.

HeddaGarbled · 04/07/2024 21:19

No, you really don't

Rude

Psspsspssssss · 04/07/2024 21:02

HeddaGarbled · 04/07/2024 20:46

We do grasp it and we still think she needs to be grateful for what she’s getting.

No, you really don't.

OP is grateful as she stated, but she's also hurt at the different treatment. OP is a full human and capable of having complex feelings.
Maybe you and PP think that the OP is ungrateful because she's gone into detail about her financial situation compared to her brother.
But that's because PP have said 'well maybe your brother needs it more and you're already loaded'.

The other thing if OP is to be believed, is why the brother lives so close but does nothing, needing his sister to travel up and down to give her mother a break.

GreatTheCat · 04/07/2024 21:00

My parents gave big amounts out while alive. 10k to me, 90k to one sister and 45k to the last sibling.

The final split was 3 ways. As it should be.