Drained with the expectation and terrified of what is to come

@BlueLegume why do they refuse all the help!? Baffling isn't it. My DP parents were the same, carers were arranged by his Dsis and then the carers were sent away by the parents. Cleaner etc all the same.
But daily moans about the garden being out of control but gardener out of the question. Sigh.
I really hope I won't be the same !

@Andwegoroundagain I absolutely agree with your suggested approach. That was our approach when our DF clearly wasn’t returning to the family home and DM clearly wasn’t coping. We got a cleaner, she refused to let her in. We secured and local gardener, she refused to let them in. Family members with skills in trades such as joinery etc, happy to do little jobs for her she was incredibly rude and critical of them. Counselling was secured so she could talk through things with a clinical professional. She cancelled tha appointment. A private referral to a specialist consultant for the care of older people, offered her all sorts of engagement with his specialist clinic. She refused. She has always been an incredibly difficult person but I have begun to wonder is she has some sort of obedience defiance disorder as every time a ‘problem’ is solved she finds another barrier to put up. For example she cannot choose food herself to eat. She is ok with basics bread milk fruit etc but not meal type things. We have taken to supplying her with ready meals. Then she tells me and my sister that she has run out days ago. We solve it by choosing some really nice freezable and microwaveable ready meals. A good few weeks worth. Now she says she doesn’t think she can manage them, even with the clear instruction left. We ask what she wants and she quite brazenly suggested we go round and cook for her nightly.

So I think holiday is easy....
"Sorry mum, it's been booked for ages and there's no chance of us being able to extend the booking to include extras. We can do something together another time"

But the bigger problem is that they are not accepting of their current situation/needs, which seems v common unfortunately. My DP mum is the same. Absolutely miserable and not coping but refuses to do anything positive to address it, just calls all the kids every day about stuff that they can't either fix because they are at work or that are non issues.

You can't fix them or help them if they don't want to take the necessary steps. Getting a walked, getting carer support rtc. So you need to find the way to keep repeating this to them
" mum I work and I've got the kids, I can't help you I'm afraid, have you considered getting a cleaner/carer/mobility aid etc"
"Mum, I'm sorry I can't discuss latest problem with you right now because I've got a lot going on and my anxiety is through the roof as it is. Let's talk another day"

You've got to focus on your kids and yourself OP.

Gosh I am so sorry that sounds really hard. Very shoddy of your sibling to leave you (and your mum )to cope alone too. Sending best wishes.

You are not selfish. I’m over three years into supporting DM with incurable cancer and to be very honest there are times when it can’t all be over quickly enough for both of us.

I feel like my has been put on hold for her, but she won’t even help herself by using a zimmer around the house (so she falls) and when challenged just tells me she wants to die. I’ve had enough and don’t even feel guilt any longer as I’ve become sort of numb to it all.

Im not an only child by sibling lives hours away and basically doesn’t give a shiny shit, DF is dead, so it’s all on me - but I’m a single parent (cheating ex-husband) and it’s far too much for me to cope with. It’s been approx 300 medical appointments over the past 3.5 years, which has had a massive impact on my work - resigned before I was sacked. But I refuse to become a full time carer for DM, I’d rather put my head in the oven to be honest - our always fabulous relationship is now in tatters and nothing I do is ever enough. Spending half a day with her leaves me feeling emotionally battered and I can’t wait to leave - it’s horrible to see the state of her and it’s horrible what I’ve become. I could never have managed two DP like this at the same time!

You seriously need to save yourself and put your DC first. Boundaries all the way! Years ago I would never have refused DM anything, but these days it’s “No mom”,
”There’s no way can do that mom”, “You’ll have to get a tradesman in mom” etc, etc, to infinity.

A GP told me that DM was a sinking ship and that I couldn’t prevent the sinking regardless of how furiously I bailed water. The only thing I could do was decide if I was going to allow to go down with the ship or if I was going to save myself. The choice is that stark, because your own physical and mental health can be ruined by trying to care for them, and your own DC and relationship neglected.

Would they have someone to regularly drive them to the shops a couple of times a week o? Seeing as your mum is finding shopping it difficult ? It could actually be a carer but you could call them a ‘driver’ and then maybe the carer could bit by bit start helping out / keeping on eye on things etc.

I think that limitless travel company looks great. I'm going to suggest it to my DP.

I know the feeling about parents wanting you on speed dial. I've found that emphasising that I cannot speak to them when I'm working unless it is an emergency does help. Also, I try to carve out time for my family and do just say no to them sometimes and tell them I'm prioritising someone else in the family. For a long time I always prioritised my parents and I think they started to expect it and took it for granted. Now they know they do not always come first.

@TudorFrameHouse honestly great advice however in my situation parents point blank wanted outside help. I secured Attendance Allowance and they ‘ put in in the bank’. Even though I explained it was for help. ‘We don't need that’. Yes you do. Ignore ignore ignore. But @BlueLegume we want you on speed dial. I am actually abit broken today as I literally have no idea how to move forward. Sorry to derail things I am just desperate.

Actually @JDob that's a great idea, had a quick google and there are a few fully escorted tours for those with reduced mobility like this one www.limitlesstravel.org/elderly-senior-holidays.
OP your DM may not accept it, but offering solutions that are not yourself means at least you have a handy response if she asks again.

Difficult conversations to be had. Sometimes reality is too much. There will bea big problem soon so all you can do is wait. Continue with your plans with the kids. Book other 2 into a good full service hotel for a weekend, see how they go.

Are you claiming attendance allowance for both of them?
That would pay for the gardener. Then use some for cleaning, handy person etc etc

I just told mine that the government had given them this money and it had to be used for help.

Yes, we have free personal care in Scotland. This doesn't necessarily provide much though. The carers are great but are not given long with each patient and a visit can be as little as a 5 minute to give medication. Additional care is often purchased privately.

You might need to stand back so they have to accept the carers. Not easy.

Hi Op my elderly dad is in Scotland and I think carers coming in is free there? maybe this will help.

I have DP of a similar age and I sometimes think they like to kid themselves on that they are not in too bad shape because they don't have carers, just family members who happen to do the same job.

I have also been asked if I'll take DP on holiday. I'm thinking about compromising and offering to go away for a weekend, perhaps to somewhere like Pitlochry where there is the theatre but also nice views. I wouldn't agree to a week long holiday due to other commitments.

I do sometimes wonder what would happen if we started using the word ‘servants’ or ‘nurses’ instead of ‘carers’ with our elderfolk, especially if it were the norm for them to turn up in a uniform instead of leggings and a boob tube like some of these carers I see. I think care at home companies are absolutely missing a trick in not offering the equivalent of a Norland Nanny in a strached uniform.

I think you have identified the crux of the problem - they have no experience of elder care and they have not made any forward planning for their own old age. The 'no carers' insistence comes up very frequently in these situations. All you can do is to keep saying the carers are as well as you not instead of you - but you cannot force carers in against their will. Can you persuade them to go back to Social Work for another assessment ? I would not take them on holiday, this is a very unrealistic expectation when they are refusing care . Tell them how worried you are, that you want them to have a good quality of life but that the time has come to make real plans.

Do you have any input from social services OP?

I agree with PP who said to start saying "no". If they won't accept help, you can't continue to help. You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Absolutely this, my in laws were resistant to carers for ages but we all had to stand firm and say it wasn’t possible for us/sil to take this on permanently and they needed to accept carers.

Hard as it is you need to stand firm and not get into a discussion about it, carers is the only option here.

On the holiday - that’s a crazy suggestion, just say no I already have holiday plans and it’s not possible. Even if they weren’t expecting you to look after them it’s far too short notice to expect to arrange a holiday now, just no.

Please don't beat yourself up with the guilt over this. I was in a similar situation years ago when my df was alive and I (like you, an only child) still had 2 school age dc at home as well as working full time in a stressful job. I did what I could with the time I had, but I know that guilt you're feeling very well - whatever you do you feel it's not enough, you have it hanging over you all the time and it ruins the happy things in your life so easily. I can remember that guilt so well and I wish I could tell you how to not feel it, but they are your dp and you love them and want to help. It's so hard. All I can say is that your dc need to come first, which you know.

We had several holidays with all of us and it was a nightmare and I felt even more frazzled by the end of it trying to please so many people pulling in different directions. I have to say as well that my df was very easily pleased and easy going, but it was still a nightmare!

@BeaRF75 really sound advice. You tend to think at the start that pointing them in the direction of help will see them access it. And there is help out there. We have done so with DM really good professional support from experts and she has point blank refused to engage. For me she has always been a defiant person so I’m not even surprised but it is still a grim feeling. I am going to take your words and really try and stick to them. I also think our DM is quite addicted to any attention, even negative attention. Hugs to every one

Start saying "no" and keep saying it.
Say "no" to the holiday.
If it makes you feel better, say you will help them to access local support services.
If they keep refusing help/carers, tell them they're on their own. And stick to it
They have to take responsibility for themselves.
They are not your responsibility.

@Frazzledmummy123 I could have written your post. My situation isn’t exactly the same but the fact our parents have been given so many ideas etc over the years including us offering to buy them a more suitable home all fell on deaf ears. DF is now in a nursing facility. DM is beyond negative. Absolutely refusing to have carers, help in the house it is clear her ‘plan’ was to expect us to pick up all the work. Whatever baby step we make in solving a problem she simply presents and other problem. Been tested for cognitive issues as our DB is convinced she has an illness but she passed it fine. I can see she isn’t happy with her lot but my goodness she is determined to make sure everything we do is criticised. It is a horrible situation and taking a massive toll on my health but on she goes - in fairness she’s always been difficult so it shouldn’t be a shock. I don’t think I have ever had anything as challenging to deal with as aging parents with zero desire to help themselves, or even worse graciously accept help with critiquing everything. Thank goodness I have a sister who is on my side. DB meanwhile pontificates how we should behave but comes and goes as he pleases being generally disinterested yet pretending he cares. Grim is the best way to describe the situation. In plain English - I do not think you are selfish at all. We are all getting suckered into being free carers and before you say it I know carers allowance is available but frankly I do not have any desire to work at my DM home for 35 hours a week. It takes me days to recover after a full day with her.

I hardly drive especially on motorways , I would be totally anxious if I had to drive on one. Basically I only drive in a 5 mile circumference around our home and only occasionally if there’s something I need that I can’t walk to. It doesn’t limit my life but we do have good transport and uber.

Hi op been through this myself. Nightmare. We just do what we can. Never brought her away. Can huff all she likes. Its my only break all year. 82. Siblings feel the same. Its def hard dealing with elderly demands. We call where we can in the week