Drained with the expectation and terrified of what is to come

The more you kowtow to your mum’s expectations, the more she will take from you. You need to distance, grey rock and make sure they contact adult social care.

And sorry this is so minor compared to what some of you are experiencing, but I'm always worried it's the tip of the iceberg and I'm an only DC.

My DPs are very undemanding and as self sufficient as they can be, but it's the inaction that I find so hard.

I had a very difficult conversation with DM ( age 85 with failing eye sight and osteoporosis in Oct 23) about did she want me to spend my time when I visit ( working with 1 hr drive) cleaning or should I spend that time providing company and she would think about getting a cleaner. Turns out she actually had a cleaners number and said that she'd give her a call. But then it was Christmas, so she would just leave it until after then, and now she would really like to tidy the house before she gets cleaner in.

This has all been prompted by relatives visiting in Sep 23 and telling me - because obviously it's all down to me - that the house could be cleaner. Now a different set are arriving a year later and doubtless expecting to be ferried up and down multiple times from mine to theirs as the silent unthanked facilitator, and nothing has changed on the cleaning front.

I can only assume that deep down my DM does expect me to do it - she always complained about spending her time cleaning DGMs when she visited. But I simply won't, they have the money, they have a contact. It's so frustrating because I'm the I'm being judged for it.

I have actually.
My mum with many years of recurring cancer and a heart attack.
My dad with early onset dementia and eventually not coping alone after my mother died.

I, like OP, was on my own and lived about 100miles away from them.

Zippe. I would guess you have never had an elderly parent to manage.

Really it’s up to your parents to decide how they are going to move forward and request help if they need it from social services.
If you don’t drive there’s not much you can do really but Personally I’d stay for a short while during the holidays.
This may give you a day to day feel for how they are getting on in case your parents don’t realise themselves.

Having elderly parents is very worrying and stressful but my parents and my MIL always said they don’t feel old. They still feel like they are 18 ( in their minds anyway ) which is why it’s difficult to accept that changes may be needed.

I think a lot of elderly people just want their children, particularly female children, to do everything for them so that they do not need to get outside care. In the case of my dp I think it is so they can kid themselves on that they aren't that bad. Or they don't want the hassle of arranging outside agencies. Sometimes I think it is loneliness and they don't want to arrange outside care because that would mean one less visit from me. @BlueLegume please think very carefully before moving in because if you do, you may then find it is impossible to retreat.

Oh @BlueLegume, I feel for you. I really do. But you do have a choice. If you choose to live with her (seriously, don’t), that is your choice. What do people without family do? What happens if family is on the other side of the world? She will keep taking, if you keep plugging the gaps, same as with the OP. You really, really need to disengage and step back for your own health and wellbeing.

@Sossijiz thanks. She just has no one else and she’s not managing anything. Hard as it is I just can’t see any other way forward.

Don't move in with her! Leave her to the life she has created for herself.

@Purplecatshopaholic I agree with your words but in reality in my/our situation our DM point blank refuses any external help outside of me and my siblings. We have secured a cleaner- she refused her access; we got a gardener he came once and due to her extremely poor attitude declined returning. We provide food - she throws it away. We buy her clothes because she needs them - she lies that they have “fallen apart “ untrue or shrunk also untrue. Sadly this is and has always been her personality. It’s now impossible. For me I think eventually one of us, likely me, will need to move in with her. She won’t care that’s not something we want she’ll thrive on the drama.

This. You don’t say no, you’ll end up doing more and more - it will affect your mental and physical health (and you say you are already anxious), and your family members. Get carers in, get other help in, but do not do it yourself. So say no, and keep saying it.

@Changingplace sorry yes I should have clarified. We are talking about people who are basically denying there's a problem or not accepting the help they need and therefore generally speaking they are not going to accept someone acting with PoA on their behalf doing things they don't want done

I had a lot of very similar issues with my DF, he's now in a care home after a process that was entirely driven by crises. It wasn't much fun, to put it mildly. It started off with them procrastinating over having a ramp installed then DF falling and going into hospital for months.

Definitely say no to the holiday. They might find that once you're away and unavailable that they come round to needing help.

Also, what are you saying when your DM is complaining about the walk to the shop getting too much for her? It sounds like a good opportunity to say "If it's too much then it would be a good idea to move to xxx, the shops are closer and it's less hilly. I'm not going to be able to provide transport or care."

Likewise with the holiday, "I'm really looking forward to taking the kids away and getting a break." or even "If Dad gets a wheelchair/rollator you'd be able to go together."

Having said that my DPs went through a phase of booking completely unsuitable holiday accommodation which didn't meet DF's mobility problems and would then have to come home early or cancel. It was maddening. They once booked a B&B with an upstairs room in the full knowledge he wouldn't be able to get up the stairs! I think it was cheaper than the accessible hotel nearby.

My parents didn't want carers although were actually fine when they were in place, and it gave my DM someone else to talk to. They did continue to try and guilt me to go down and provide care even although in Scotland you get free personal care and my DF qualified for four visits a day.

I'd make it really clear now that you aren't going to be providing personal care, ever. Or learning to drive if that's a major boundary with you.

Other things I found I had to do was limit when I was available for calls. I'd get messages from my DM first thing in the morning or last sleep at night, it was like sticking my head in a bucket of anxiety around times when I was trying to sleep or wake up and I just couldn't provide what felt like a 24 hour support service.

I think that was very perceptive of the GP to say that. Sometimes it can help when these things are said by professionals.

No, you don’t have to wait until someone loses capacity to use a LPA, if the person who you hold it for agrees then you can act on it on their behalf at any time, info here;

A property and financial affairs LPA must be registered before it can be used. However, you don't have to wait until someone loses their mental capacity before using it. A property and financial affairs LPA will come into effect as soon as it is registered. This means that the attorney will be able to start making decisions about your property and financial affairs straight away, even if you are still capable of making your own decisions. If you don't want the attorney to be able to make decisions about your affairs straight away, you should make sure that the LPA says this.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/looking-after-people/managing-affairs-for-someone-else/#:~:text=A%20property%20and%20financial%20affairs%20LPA%20must%20be%20registered%20before,soon%20as%20it%20is%20registered.

And of c0urse LPA only work when the person has lost capacity so it's not that helpful really.
I feel your pain!

Thank you. Sibling is a toxic person, who I suspect has some type of personality disorder, so to be honest it’s better if he stays out of my way. I don’t speak to him and after he assaulted DM shortly after DF’s sudden death - he pushed her over because he couldn’t cope with her grief and anger - he’s much safer out of punching range.

Yup, it is crazy and mostly for the
cancers which are mets from primary womb cancer years ago. So it’s been four different hospitals in the county for things including massive (life prolonging) orthopaedic surgery twice, follow ups, physio at the orth hospital, abdominal surgeries to remove tumours with plastics involvement because lots of skin lost and follow ups every week for many months, chemo daily/weekly/now twice monthly, radiotherapy daily for periods and now ongoing treatments to deal with after effects of damage caused by radio (essentially her bladder is fried so she’s incontinent).

She’s had physio and therapies etc at three of the hospitals and is currently back at A and E now because she’s fallen again, didn’t use her zimmer which she knows she can’t walk without. So I imagine she’ll come out with another schedule of physio to be attended.

There were periods where she had 3/4/5 appointments each week and due to the length of time they took up (3-5 hours each with travel time and hauling her in and out of the wheelchair etc) I was lucky to have hung onto the job as long as I did, only because it was flexible and mostly WFH. These days she has 3 or 4 regular appointments each month, so finding another job that’s flexible enough to cover these is very difficult. On the bright side, I’m less stressed now I haven’t got to juggle work as well. I know there’s hospital transport to appointments but she’s been let down by it so many times and missed appointments which are then terribly awkward to rebook - you can’t just have another appointment a month or two later with some of the treatments, it has to be on schedule.

Anyhow, it wont be forever - but at this point I’m beginning to suspect she’ll outlive me!

You are not selfish at all op. We are all very much in the generation of having to care for young kids and older parents, and they will need to accept that caring for kids comes first. Also we are a generation of more social mobility so often live further away.

My DH’s grandad is a carer for his wife in a wheelchair and they recently went on a cruise. Maybe suggest that for their own holiday. I do believe insurance was high though

My mum is so far ok but i live a few hours away, i work and i have 2 young children, so not sure what i would realistically be able to help with if anything happened. I certainly didn’t have my kids so they would look after me in old age.

@Araminta1003 LPAs are all in place and have been for some time. Our DM is utterly resistant to any help except from us.

I would be getting powers of attorney in place. There always comes a point where they need to relinquish control but don’t want to so it is best to be prepared. Many elderly are like this, do not want to accept the reality of their situation or plan ahead or confront their own mortality. It’s called digging your head in the sand.

300ish appointments in 3.5 years is bonkers and losing your job over it is also bonkers. Were the appointments all for the cancer? I hope you have been able to get a new job, otherwise your own retirement is at risk?

I remember your previous threads.
It's a stressful time, no getting away from that.
All you can really do is decide what your limits are and stick to them.
Taking your aged parents with you on holiday will be no holiday for you or your kids. Say no.
Listen to your DM, sympathise that she's disappointed but say you have to prioritise your children.
DH's parents refused help and concealed illness from us. DH was very stressed but I pointed out his parents were entitled to these choices but it meant there would be consequences. Unfortunately I was right and PIL was gravely ill with DH summoned by the hospital the night before he died. MIL was unable to be looked after at home and lived in a care home from that point onwards - something PIL had tried to avoid.
These things will play out.
Look after yourself and your children - you are not responsible for your parents choices and can but pick up the pieces afterwards.

@Andwegoroundagain baffling is a word I use so much these days. In fact my new phrase is beyond baffling. My husband is incredibly patient but worried about me as he can see I am trying to help but am achieving nothing other than a whole new raft of problems. My conscience prevents me from stepping right away but the toll on my health is awful. Not helped by the fact my husband and I have gradually been spending our retirement at our second home overseas. This is now becoming something I don't feel comfortable doing but as yet haven’t brought it up with husband as far as he is concerned we are due to head back in about 6 weeks and planned to be there until Christmas. So I now feel like I am lying to him about being excited about going back. Sometimes, knowing my DM and tactics she has used in the past, I think she’d rather like having to say ‘oh it’s terrible @BlueLegume has had to stay here and look after me instead of being away’. Yes DM it is terrible because you will not accept you need proper help and expect me to do everything. She has alienated everyone and now it seems like it is my go. Sorry for the rant.