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Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum lives aboard and just had a health scare - how can I care for her. Any advice is welcome

31 replies

workoutlife · 23/06/2024 07:13

My mum is in her early 70s and usually in good health. She lives abroad by herself (long story), but the country she lives in provides excellent health care.
A week ago, she was admitted to the hospital due to very high blood pressure. She suddenly lost her memory and asked things repeatedly. At the A&E, the doctor gave her some medication and within an hour, she regained her memory and was discharged the next day. Luckily, she has a good neighbour and a couple of good friends, and I flew to her immediately. At the hospital, they suspected a minor stroke, but it turned out not to be the case after examining the MRI report. The doctor said he could not spot any anomaly from the MRI, but there were some minor 'white spots' due to normal ageing. She does have relatively high cholesterol and has started to take medicine to control it now. Her mind is sharp, and she still plays three instruments. But sometimes I worry about her interaction with people as she seems to insist on certain things -i.e. asking the shop assistants to do tasks, often tech-related, for her.

My mum has some good friends but they are all quite busy as they are younger, and won't be with her as often as I'd like. I am concerned that the isolation will have negative impact on her health. My mum also still feels that she is in her 50s which I suppose is a good thing but can be dangerous at times.

I am the only child and super close to my mum, especially after losing my dad at a young age. I'd like to bring my mum back to the UK and live with me for a while, but at the same time, I am worried that A&E here won't be as efficient compared to the country she lives in in case of emergency. If anything happens, I will regret it forever.

But I also don't want to leave her alone in the country where she has lived for a long time. A 50/50 split would be suitable for now. But again, she cannot live with me for longer than six months, she is not a British citizen.

Sorry for the long post. I have been in shock as Mum usually is the stronger one. Can I add her to Mum's private health insurance back in the UK?

Any advice is welcome. Thank you so much.

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CatherinesBar · 23/06/2024 17:14

What will you do after 6mths of her living in UK as she is not entitled to stay after that? Will she be eligible for NHS care? Emergency yes, but not ongoing care. So no seeing consultants, Gp’s, prescriptions,

Also, can you afford private health care long term if you do not think much of the NHS?

one key point is even if you can afford private insurance ( costly for over 70!) all emergency care is NHS … so an ambulance is not going to come any quicker than for anyone else, a 14hr wait in A&E with no bed, followed by 2 days on the corridor - is the same for anybody. Not ideal when elderly, but what happens.

PermanentTemporary · 23/06/2024 17:08

@workoutlife sorry yes that was confusing- I work for a stroke therapy team not a medical team. Someone who has had a TIA shouldn't have any therapy needs but they are followed up in the stroke clinic.

KvotheTheBloodless · 23/06/2024 16:50

A TIA won't usually show up on an MRI so I don't know why the doctor was so quick to say it wasn't one - I would say it's very possible.

coffeemonster1978 · 23/06/2024 09:38

I can only go by the experience of my PILs who came back four years ago after 16 years in France, they did have UK pensions but still had to prove their eligibility and that they were planning to be "ordinarily resident" in the UK

Nouvellenovel · 23/06/2024 09:37

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 23/06/2024 09:29

But doesn't sound like the dm has a UK pension?

Show quote history

Thats my point though.
We don’t know.
However anyone can use A&E.
It’s if they’re admitted they must pay if not entitled.

Sunnnybunny72 · 23/06/2024 09:36

What were her plans for coping as she aged living abroad?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 23/06/2024 09:29

Nouvellenovel · 23/06/2024 09:19

Unless you know Op’s dm’s circumstances then you can’t say this.
There are exceptions in some countries for people in receipt of UK state pension.

Show quote history

But doesn't sound like the dm has a UK pension?

radio4everyday · 23/06/2024 09:19

She's an adult and not entitled to live in the UK. So there are only really two options - she sorts out, and pays for, care where she lives, or you move there and care for her. I'd advise against the second for your own sanity. Does she have any family where she is?

Nouvellenovel · 23/06/2024 09:19

coffeemonster1978 · 23/06/2024 09:00

Your mum would only be eligible for emergency care unless she can prove she is planning to return to the UK Using the NHS when you return to live in the UK - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)
She would need to provide proof of residence in the UK. Having her over here for a brief period of time would mean she loses continuity of care from the provider where she is living currently and she would likely struggle to be "in the system" here.

Unless you know Op’s dm’s circumstances then you can’t say this.
There are exceptions in some countries for people in receipt of UK state pension.

Nouvellenovel · 23/06/2024 09:16

bananaphon · 23/06/2024 08:36

More suggestions of health tourism. We wonder why the nhs is down the toilet.

It’s not necessarily health tourism.
In Europe at least once in receipt of UK state pension a British pensioner has their healthcare paid for by the UK and as such can use both the health care system of their resident country and/or the NHS.

coffeemonster1978 · 23/06/2024 09:00

Your mum would only be eligible for emergency care unless she can prove she is planning to return to the UK Using the NHS when you return to live in the UK - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)
She would need to provide proof of residence in the UK. Having her over here for a brief period of time would mean she loses continuity of care from the provider where she is living currently and she would likely struggle to be "in the system" here.

Using the NHS when you return to live in the UK

Complete a GMS1 form to register with a GP near your home. Bring proof that you are eligible for free healthcare.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/using-the-nhs-when-you-return-to-live-in-the-uk

bananaphon · 23/06/2024 08:36

More suggestions of health tourism. We wonder why the nhs is down the toilet.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 23/06/2024 08:31

my biggest concern about her living with me is the health system in the UK
Well don't use it then?
You're saying it rubbish and not good enough for her, yet still planning on bringing her over here, against her will and planning to use it for 6 months?

Original poster
workoutlife · 23/06/2024 08:26

@PermanentTemporary Thank you again for the reply. If the team does not accept people with TIA, then how could they get diagnosed and treatment?

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Original poster
workoutlife · 23/06/2024 08:20

@NerrSnerr - You are right. I need to learn and adjust as I am new to this experience/topic. My mum is a strong woman and has been very independent. She likes to be correct (but not stubborn). Sometimes, I found it frustrating. I feel like an over-protecting parent, but am I? I insisted her friend check on her and send her to the hospital immediately, which was the right decision. I also suspect the blood pressure device is not accurate, which she dismissed, but I was right again. I just felt the stake is too high.

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PermanentTemporary · 23/06/2024 08:05

I work in a stroke team that doesn't accept people with TIAs. I always understood that part of the definition of a TIA is that nothing can be seen on the scans. Anyway, if the doctor says it's not, I guess there's nothing more to be said about that.

I don't know about the scooter. Presumably you were worried and that's completely fair enough. You can't agonise over every bit of advice you give like this! If it helps, it may be that she gave it up because she was actually worried too, rather than because you persuaded her.

NerrSnerr · 23/06/2024 08:04

You need to have the discussion about the scooter (and her health) as an equal, adult to adult discussion. It's her life and her health so it's got to be centred on her needs and wants and not yours.

It's coming across a bit like you feel you need to be the parent and make decisions about what's best for her but that's not the case. It's her life. If she wants to do something that makes her life easier but it's riskier that's up to her. We all make those choices. Even if her memory was to deteriorate in the future the decisions should be based on what's best for her (not just medically but socially and emotionally).

Original poster
workoutlife · 23/06/2024 07:58

@PermanentTemporary - He cannot see it from the MRI scan I suppose. But I am not sure if it is the right diagnose.

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Original poster
workoutlife · 23/06/2024 07:56

One thing I feel guilty about is that I persuaded her to give up her scooter—the traffic is super fast here, and most people on scooters are super young (compared to her). I asked her to take taxis when needed and gave her a lump sum of money to cover the fares. But I know it is not as flexible as a scooter, which she has used for over ten years. Have I done the right thing?

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PermanentTemporary · 23/06/2024 07:51

Well, if it is a TIA (not sure how the doctor is ruling that out as it sounds exactly like one!) then yes the risk of a stroke is a good chunk higher, but the medication is the best way forward there.

I would just try to be in touch and visit more often. There are things you can't control in life.

Original poster
workoutlife · 23/06/2024 07:48

@Caspianberg - I am with her now. It was a long haul flight but I flew back the next day - my manager has been supportive and I am grateful.

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Original poster
workoutlife · 23/06/2024 07:45

@PermanentTemporary - Thank you very much for the reply. I also suspected a TIA (from googling) but the doctor insisted it wasn't. But it makes all the difference as TIA often follows by a major stoke which making bring her to the UK a bad idea. I am so torn at the moment.

OP posts:
Caspianberg · 23/06/2024 07:43

Can you fly about and spend a week or two with her to see how she actually is.

If she’s lived there forever it will be hard to adjust to a new life in uk also.

CeruleanDive · 23/06/2024 07:39

She's only on her early 70s, sounds like she is very capable of making her own decisions. High cholesterol is hardly a surprising or alarming finding at that age. I think you should listen to and respect her opinion more. Moving her could be disastrous - a fish out of water.

NerrSnerr · 23/06/2024 07:39

You've got to let her live her life and make her own choices. You say you'd like to 'bring her back home'. How would you feel as an adult if someone else decided what country you should live in.

Maybe have a face to face conversation when you visit her next asking what she would like from the future. She'll know you won't be able to care for her round the clock as you're abroad. She also needs to consider where she would ideally like to die, here and there. She may, of course already considered this.