Convincing parent to move to care home

It doesn't sound like she needs a care home tbh. But maybe she could employ someone to do those bits of admin and be company for a couple of hours a day a few times a week? A friend of mine did this for his mother for a few years until her dementia progressed and she wasn't safe at home.

She's no idea that I'm also managing the maintenance of her house, acting as secretary to make sure she doesn't forget lunches with her friends, chasing things up with GP, the list goes on.

one solution is to cut right back on all of this and only do the absolute minimum such as essential house repairs and GP appointments.

also, the daily meal at your house - I think you might have painted yourself into a corner with that one. What’s or who is the driver for that - and is there any way of starting to cut down?

You can't put your mother in a home mainly because you don't want to have her for dinner every night.

If your mother has capacity you cannot override her wishes.
If she's managing to get out to her friends for lunch etc then she is unlikely to be at the stage where she needs full time care. You don't mention carers so I presume she is getting herself washed and dressed etc.
The real problem here is her expectations and you are exhausted- rightly so. You need to put some firm boundaries in and a plan so you are not at home worrying. It maybe worth employing a private carer, if she can afford it, to come and cook for her set days of the week.
I know this is easier said than done with someone who has expectations and has some confusion but a care home should not accept someone who is able to cope, with the right support( not saying you) at home.
It might be worth contacting your local social services and asking for a carers assessment. Also find out whether you have a carers support/advocacy group that is local.
It's very difficult and it's ok to put things in place so your mental health and well being is protected.

Goodness, you're picking her up every single day and having her round for supper?! That's a huge amount. What happens if you're not available?

I think you need an inbetween stage with carers coming in to support. That will take the pressure off you. So either take a step back so that can happen or maybe go on holiday for a week or two with carers there instead? Then just keep them going! Will she be able to afford to pay for this?

You can’t force her if she has mental capacity sounds like she does. You can step back and put carers in the home if that’s what she wants.

My DM was at a later stage than yours - TBH she just wasn’t safe to be left alone any more. But she’d never have agreed to go because in her head there was absolutely nothing wrong with her - even when she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea.

So we had to arrange it all on the quiet, and get her there by stealth. I was absolutely dreading the day (planned like a military operation) but in fact it went rather better than we’d dared to hope.

(Should add that she was self funded - we hadn’t involved SS at all, except for a short visit by one, arranged by the care home, to ascertain that she did actually need residential care - we weren’t just ‘putting her away’.)

I can’t say that Dm settled very quickly - for quite a while, every time I visited, she was demanding to go home, but there was absolutely no way - she was a disaster or an accident waiting to happen.

She did settle eventually, and when she later talked of home, she meant the childhood home she’d left before WW2.

It sounds as if you'd have every right to do it, but is care at her home a (financial) option?

What stage is she at - eg if she were at home alone to have dinner, what would happen?

So familar.. Parent was in a retirement complex initially but you do need to be able to live independently. They wont pick you up after fall for example but there are pull cords, onsite bistro, and you can buy some care i.e to do your laundry, change your bed, clean the apartment etc. Its like the step before a proper care home and some people do well in them but from what I saw people move into them far too late. Its very common to move from a retirement complex into a care home within 1-2 years.

In my experience (both parents were in care homes in the end) its the very frail that are in there. Some care homes seperate dementia residents and some dont. They are upwards of £1200 PER WEEK.

Its very normal for parent to downgrade what you are doing. Its awful and dont be surprised if there is some fibbing going on too.

Dont be surprised if they fight you tooth and nail to stay where they are whilst forgetting all the things you do. I ran parents apartment and life. Letters were collected every few days and half of the county had my telephone number as Mum couldnt be relied on to do anything and wasnt beyond lying about what was happening. She still told people that she was doing just fine on her own and didnt need to move into a care home - if I questioned her further on things that had happened she would cry. Its very very difficult but realistically NO ONE wants to move into a care home including all of us!!