My mum is dying from cancer and I'm struggling

Didn't want to read and run. Just want to say I'm so so so sorry, I've had family and friends pass from cancer and it's devastating. Sending you a big big hug OP. 🌷

work part time and have a 2 and 6 year old. Work have been really understanding and I am currently using my annual leave to be with mum as much as I can. My husband is also a huge help as he is working from home so can get my eldest from school.

my gp signed me off sick as I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate at work

I was fortunate to be able to stay with my dad at home, my adult dd flew home and we cared for him together in his final weeks.

having dad at home was hard work, emotional but district nurses supported with carers in 4 x a day and Marie curie over night

I found this easier than a hospital, which was where my mum died on an oncology ward.

the driver was xx put in 36 hours before dad died, we played his favourite music, held his hand changed his sheets, made him comfortable inbetween the harsher parts.

its so hard saying goodbye, not knowing how long, worrying about the suffering and watching their pain

I’m so sorry - I know this pain. Sending love to you and your mum and holding you both in the light.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My Mum had stomach cancer when she was 65, and her deterioration took place over about 9 months. It was really awful to witness (but no doubt much more awful to actually go through it).

After she died, I realised I was quite traumatised about the illness and the deterioration itself- as well as the actual loss, if that makes sense. When I had bereavement counselling (about 6 months or so after Mum died), dealing with the trauma of her illness and physical decline was almost separate to my grief.

For a while after she died, I kept picturing her diminished- painfully thin and suffering. In time, those memories were replaced with images of my Mum as she had been before it all. Fun and energetic and someone who lit up a room and made everyone laugh.

This will probably be the hardest thing you ever have to do OP, but it’s so important. It’s a privilege to be by the side of someone you love so much as their life enters its last months/weeks/days/hours.

It’s hard not knowing how long it will be; and often we’re not sure if we really want to know or not. My mum went to a hospice in the end (which was absolutely wonderful- they truly are the most incredible, calm places in my experience). One of the hospice nurses told me that a rule of thumb is the rate at which the person is deteriorating. If their condition is changing from week to week, you are likely looking at weeks left to live. If they are changing from day to day, they may be in their last days. And then the same with hours. In my experience with mum and dad, that was quite accurate.

Sending you courage and calm to get through these most challenging of times. 💐

I'm so sorry. My mum died at 70 from cancer. She too was very glamorous and it was horrendous to watch her slip away. My son had died the year before from cancer of the brain and my mum was terrified of dying, terrified of putting me through watching her die.

Be with your mum as much as you can. Tell her all the things you want to say.

I was with my mum to the end and she knew she was never alone. She knew she was loved and me, my brother and my Dad surrounded her with love to the end. And that's all anyone can do really.

Sending you love.

@Ellemeg82 , I’m so sorry; this is really tough for you.
Please think about all the you might want to know, you have the chance to ask now. Please prioritise as much as you can spending time with your mum and talking to her, tell her how much you love her because at the end she may not be able to communicate with you. Please look after yourself this is one of the most tough things you will face. Please ask for the help you need from those you love who are not so affected by the situation.
I don’t think it’s possible to be prepared for loss of this magnitude even though you know it’s coming. Sending you a virtual hug. 🙏🏻

My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer that had spread to his liver last summer the only advice is take lots of photos and videos even if you have to hide them in a secret album (mine still are) but sometimes I have a flick through them! And that hospice/palliative nurses are amazing and will support you throughout!

Spend as much time as you can- in the final weeks I moved into Dads before he went into the care home (as no hospice only had a few beds) I was lucky (if that’s the right word?!) I was on Mat leave so didn’t have work to deal with my husband didn’t want me to have any regrets about not doing anything and despite me not wanting to be away from him with the baby I’m really glad I did!

This is so sad. She's still so young. I hope you have lots of support. Try your hardest not to put expectations on yourself. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this.

Thoughts and hugs for everyone who is dealing with similar.

So sorry, it’s awful isn’t it. My mum is dying from bowel cancer. Still hard to write that down. She’s going downhill rapidly. I’m going to see her tomorrow. Haven’t seen her for a few weeks because I’ve been ill myself. It’s making me unbelievably sad.

Sounds like it's incredibly difficult and heartbreaking time for you. Are you able to adapt your day to day life (A/L/unpaid leave, Flexi) to enable you to have some more time with her in her last few weeks.

I hope you have some good real life support to help you through this
Now is just the time to keep things as simple as possible elsewhere in your life and where you can lean on people to help pick up the slack.

I'm so sorry, it's so tough. Be with her as much as you can, tell her everything you want her to know. Sending hugs, take care of yourself as well. Hope you have district nurses coming in to help. Went through this very recently with my Dad so I know what you're going through

I watched my mum pass from stage 4 cancer, I moved in with her and was able to wfh from her house (DC grown up).
It was absolutely awful, I'm still in shock from it, really struggle with feelings of guilt that I could have done more, I probably couldn't have.
Watching your DM waste away in front of you is horrendous.
I moved in because my DM hated hospitals, she had a couple of stays when she was ill, there was absolutely no way I was letting her die in one.
I was lucky that I was able to move in.
We had some really touching moments together.
In the end I wasn't there when she passed, this is the thing I struggle with most, I hate myself for not being there, I've actually developed a habit of muttering "I hate myself".
In your position, I'd spend as much time with her as you can, say what you need to say, tell her you love her and in the end be kind to yourself ❤️