My mum is dying from cancer and I'm struggling

I'm so sorry. It's a horrible club to join and I wish you weren't a member too.

Oh @Ellemeg82 I just read your update about your lovely mum. I'm so sorry, I hope you find peace and comfort knowing your mum was safe and comfortable and cared for. Be gentle to yourself, I'm sending love xx

@Ellemeg82 I'm so sorry to hear about your mum and to everyone else on the thread experiencing similar journey, my love is with you all. Hope it's okay to share my own stuff.
My beloved mum was diagnosed in mid May with a brain tumour, out of the blue. Late May we were told it's aggressive and untreatable. My brother and I moved in to mum and dad's and we're caring for mum together with support from incredible hospice at home team, district nurses, carers and Marie Curie night- sitters some nights. We couldn't do this without them all.
Mum's comfortable, not in pain, and sleeping a lot. She's barely eating or drinking now. Her vision is deteriorating and she's slowing right down. Steroids have kept her steady and we've had some beautiful moments in the past two weeks with friends, family, celebrating her birthday, laughing and celebrating mum.
It's brutal, confusing, terrifying and bewildering. Mum was so well and vibrant, dignified and beautiful, always helping others, volunteering, dropping things to support her family. It's surreal to see her in bed, peaceful but so frail.
I'm working from home (here) and my brilliant DH is at work/home looking after our older teen DS while our other DS finishes up his uni term and comes home for summer.
My darling Dad has good days and not so good days. I'm glad we're here to support him, he's 80 and in good health but still, would really struggle navigating all this alone.
Trying to live one day - one hour even - at a time. It's mine and DHs 25 anniversary today, we'll celebrate another time. Think we might take a walk on the beach later with our dog (he's staying here and is the best company for us all). Try to cherish those small moments.

I’m so sorry OP. It sounds like a very peaceful end.

So sorry you are going through this. When this happened to my parents, I found it comforting to read ‘With the End in Mind’ by Dr Kathryn Mannix.

Im so sorry OP. She was still so young. Look after yourself. 💐

So sorry OP, take care x

I'm so very sorry. It sounds like the end was peaceful for her - I hope in time that brings you some comfort. Huge hug xxx

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you. Just you being with her will comfort her. Thinking of you xxx

I’m so very sorry for your loss @Ellemeg82. I’m so glad that the end was peaceful for your mum. I’m not surprised it doesn’t feel real just yet. You will probably experience a range of emotions in your journey through grief. Take it all as it comes, one day at a time. Sending virtual hugs to you and hoping you have some good support from your husband and friends. 💐

So sorry OP. My mum was only 60 and although it's been 18 years I feel increasingly angry about it. In my 20s I couldn't comprehend how young she really was, she really was robbed. Your poor Mum, 70 is still too young. I'm so sorry she is going through this. Make sure you tell her how much you love her and how you appreciate all she did for you. Say all the nice things you think of her. I didn't and regret it bitterly.

You have my sympathies. Cancer is just shit.

Try not to feel guilty. Your mum is dying and that totally and utterly sucks but you still need to eat, live, do family stuff etc.

It's really really important to look after yourself too. It's not being selfish to do that, in fact it's crucial that you do.

Sending you virtual hugs for the hard times ahead.

I’m glad your husband is being so supportive too. Mine was excellent when I was in this situation (in fact both of my parents had cancer at the same time so it was very hard to manage it all) and a supportive partner makes a huge difference when you’re trying to manage something like this.

Taking each day as it comes is the only way @Ellemeg82. You are doing so well. It does sound as though it might not be long now for your poor mum. It’s good that she seems comfortable with the increased morphine.

Juggling everything is very hard. You’ve spent precious time with your mum today and you’ve been mum too to your DCs. I hope this evening brings an hour or two in which you can just ‘be’ and find some headspace. 💐

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My Dad is currently on palliative care for metastatic oesophageal cancer. I live round the corner and work part time too so am there as much as possible.
He wants to die in our local hospice and I just hope they have space when the time comes.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through with your husband @2Old2Tango. What you are doing is the ultimate act of love. 💐
I hope when the time comes that it is gentle for you both.

I stand by your side in unity OP. My husband is dying of cancer too - all through his spine, ribs, pelvis, lung and now into his brain. He's skeletal and eats very little. He's only 59 but looks much older. The other week I took him for a blood test and he was in his wheelchair and the guy behind the desk said "is it for dad here?" I was mortified and glared at him and said "it's for my husband".

Interesting what a pp says about changing week to week, day to day. My husband has deteriorated a lot in the past several weeks and this last week especially he's become very confused, so I'm wondering if he's also in his last weeks now.

Big hugs for you. Such a difficult time, watching a loved one suffer so much.

It really is tough, but I would do it again. My MIL lived with us for 3 months at her end of life care. Be gentle with yourself.

She loved that she could hear the grand kids and see them, as she was in our sitting room, bed bound.

It def was not easy, me and my husband took turns sleeping on the couch with her the last week.

No words of advice I'm afraid but you sound like a wonderful, caring, loving daughter and I'm certain from the way you talk about her that she knows how deeply she is loved.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this, it's absolutely heartbreaking. Sending lots of love to you all x

@Ellemeg82 I hope your mum gets a place in the hospice when the time comes. From what I know of hospices, they will do everything they can to help her get her wish.

I see that you have young children and I understand how you are being pulled in different directions. My children were 7 and 5 when my mum was ill, and I can remember how I had to try to compartmentalise my life to some extent. I needed time to be with mum and support her; I needed time to just be mum to the children, trying to keep everything normal and ok for them, maintaining the routine. And then I also needed time to just be me; someone who was losing their mum and needed time and space to cry and rage and process it all. It’s hard to balance it all: in fact it’s impossible, so you just do what you can when you can and know that you’re doing your best.

Just a handhold as went through it with my Dad at the start of this year.
He was in a hospice at the end, we all found this a great support.
Try and get signed off if you can as it's a huge strain. Being with them and just existing is so hard when you're going through it. I handed over as much parenting as I could to my OH in this period. Just wanted to be with my Dad as much as I could.
Lean on everyone you can and cry when you need to. Thinking of you.

Having had some experience with trying to make things as bearable as possible…some suggestions

silk pillow cases
fresh flowers with a scent your DM loves
ditto candles if she isnt using oxygen (no flames with oxygen for safety)
music she loves
try and move her bed so she has a view she likes and fresh air on her face (if she likes that)
dig out old photos and reminisce with her.

for you and your DF..ask friends to bring meals individually portioned. There is a website called lotsahelpinghands.com where you can set up a page to ask for things/help. Try and take some time everyday to just be you and breath and process what is happening

so sorry for you all