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Elderly parents
Original poster

What happens when people don't really have anyone?

28 replies

DancingLions · 11/06/2024 11:07

I'm very LC with my mum, my only sister has very recently gone NC with her (long back story). Our dad died years ago, no other family around. However both sister and I do have POA, which my mum set up not long ago.

So my mum rang me last night (first time in years!), mainly to complain about my sister not speaking to her! But a few alarm bells rang for me. She was getting names wrong of people she knew well, repeating herself a lot. Main concern is from what I can gather, some men were going to do some work on her roof and drove her to the cashpoint to get money out. It took a while to get the full story. But she says she doesn't know why she got in the van with them and that it was almost like they "hypnotised" her. Obviously no work has been done on her roof! I asked had she reported it to the police. She says a friend is going with her to do that. I also said she should go to the GP and she said she has and needs to have some sort of scan. Couldn't get much more out of her on that. But it looks like they'd be looking for signs of dementia?

Now to the point. I'm prepared to carry out the legal aspects of the POA but when it comes to any kind of care, well I'm not doing it. I don't live near her (sister is even further away) so we couldn't just "pop in" anyway. We both work full time. We're both struggling to make ends meet so we wouldn't be giving any financial support. So I'm wondering what will happen? What does happen to people who don't have someone to ferry them around to appointments, help them out etc?

OP posts:
EducatingArti · 11/06/2024 12:13

This worries me for myself too. I'm nearly 60, single and without children. I have no nieces or nephews. I'm wondering even who I can ask to be atorneys for me. I'm doing all my mum's day to day financial stuff now and it isn't trivial. My closest friends are my age or older and I think it needs someone younger. I do have some younger friends but not sure that it would be fair to even ask them.

It does sound like your mum has been scammed. I think you can contact adult social services and say you think your mum is vulnerable and needs assessing for support and/or dementia. That's if your mum would be willing to engage with them. I think you just have to be honest with social services about her being abusive and you being low contact "I'm willing to do x, but not y"

Do you have just the financial poa or the health and welfare one too?

Original poster
DancingLions · 11/06/2024 12:04

There's a lot to think about. I really only want minimum involvement, which I know sounds harsh but that's how things are. I don't know what my sister will do. It took her years of putting up with my mums abuse before she went NC. But, if there's a serious issue I think her sense of guilt may come to the surface. (Not that I think she should feel guilty but she does). But at the same time, she lives at the other end of the country and can't realistically drop everything. And no way in the world would/could my mum go to her. I guess all I can do for now is play it by ear.

OP posts:
Tracker1234 · 11/06/2024 11:31

I always wondered this..when I helped my DF who I had been NC for a number of years the social worker who was helping move him into a care home told him numerous times that he was lucky to have me and that some people dont have anyone.

I wouldnt trust SS to do anything much. They are always looking for a relative to take on the burden (and I dont use that word lightly).

I suspect what happens is that the elderly person muddles on through until a crisis occurs or a serious fall (falls seem to be a trigger). Then an ambulance is called if that person is even found in time. My DH had a care alarm that had long since disappeared in the chaos he lived in. DM had a alarm but didnt use it and had a fall. Then the hospital looks around for a relative to take over - if there isnt anyone then I believe SS will take over but they dont like to. It costs ££££ and its a big decision to decide whether the elderly person is well enough to go home with care (or wants care) or whether they need to go into a care home with all that that entails - selling the house if owned, clearing it. Sorting out person's finances.

I did all of this for both parents with POA and its a BIG job but my parents were at a stage where they agreed that I take over. They didnt argue with me or question anything very much thank goodness and I did the best I could and in their interests. They had some money which makes things much easier.

If you have someone that is unsafe on their own but refuses to move or do anything proactive it causes real issues until the next crisis.