What type of accommodation for dad with (probable) dementia?

Condolences on your loss. Your dad is at peace now and has been spared the misery of slow cognitive decline. Look after yourself and remember happy memories of him over the years.

I hope you don’t feel guilty for feelings of relief, OP - I know I’d have felt the same. And I don’t mind admitting that I was almost envious of a SIL whose parents died very suddenly - both outwardly pretty healthy and well into their 80s - one of a heart attack, and one of a massive stroke.

Compared to years of dementia and pitiful decline for both my DM and my FiL, not to mention relatively early deaths from cancer for DF and MiL, I would have counted such deaths a blessing.

So sorry to hear that Persipan. I think relief is a totally legitimate feeling in these circumstances - losing your dad is obviously awful but the decline with dementia can be tortuous for both the person and their relatives. We had a relative who has been going downhill dementia wise for the last 18 years and it's been horrendous.

Sorry for your loss OP. But as you say, it saved him a lengthy unpleasant deterioration. I would have much preferred my mother went that way.

Sorry for your loss @Persipan
It must be difficult knowing how much you will miss him, but being relieved he won't have to go through some of the dementia nightmares

I have been following your thread as my Mum was acting similar
She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last week

This thread just popped up on my feed. I'm so sorry to see you have lost your dad. My own beloved dad is just a little ahead in this journey compared to what you described and I feel from what I'm seeing in my df and what I read online, your dad has been spared an ordeal. I hope you'll find some comfort in this.

@Persipan I know what you mean. My MIL and FIL died out of the blue, both within minute. Hard for the family, but a blessing for them looking back.

Sorry for your loss.

Persipan sorry for your loss. Decline would have been hard for both of you,

Also worth mentioning as you said you're a solo parent. Unless you're a solo parent to adult children or your ex if there is one is extremely hands on, you're not going to be able to respond to calls etc in the middle of the night/all hours of day whether he's in the same town or not as you. You can't leave children on their own in your house or realistically get them up and take them with you each time there's a call for help. You need to make that very clear to SS that there is no one to come and reliably help him if he calls.

Just seen this happen to someone - call from the hospital came at 10pm. But because they're a solo parent they couldn't go there until child dropped off at school at 8.30 the following morning!

That's correct my friend lived in the USA but was able to manage her parents finances from there when they went into a residential home together.

See if there is any Extra Care Sheltered accommodation available to buy or rent.

Discuss POA if you haven't already.

Just wanted to add that you should get both health and financial powers of attorney set up whilst you still can - if you haven't already of course.

My mom had Parkinson's disease which also comes with dementia. She lived in a care home for the last 18 months of her life, after my father (and her full time carer) died. Having the PoA made a difficult situation easier to manage.

If you're old enough to remember people used to move into hotels permanently. For the company, catering and lifts. There was a special rate for permanent guests.

Cars home where he can ge very “ light touch “ / some places even have a “ suite “ set up with a kitchenette and sitting room - but more spendy obv. But also where “ light touch can step up to “ what ever care is needed “

we had similar with a relative nearly a year ago. We looked at all the “ supported living complexes - all very nice but you have to love early to learn about the. And take full advantage.

we went for a “ suite “ no kitchen - he wouldn’t cook he needed meals provided. And thank goodness we did. now needing so much prompting - personal care / dressing / heating aids sorting etc as well as “ hotel services “ - food / washing cleaning bed changing etc etc. mobility pretty poor too despite 2x week physio since as ( can afford ) . Now has really poor motivation to do anything other than stare at the wall sadly. We are current chasing ? Depressed

An elderly friend of MILs had a lady like this she called her a house keeper. In reality she did all the above and was on hand for almost anything.

When the friend died we were trustees of the estate. Some money was left to the housekeeper as a thank you.

She really was worth her weight in gold having started out as a once a week cleaner they became much more

Yep don’t mention ‘carers ‘ Call them ‘drivers, cleaners, homehelps , personal assistants, a person to take you shopping ‘ etc but definately not carers.

I know it's really difficult to reconcile what your father wants, versus what he actually needs.

I would let him stay at home until that is no longer possible, and try to get him to accept at-home care. You will probably have to be insistent - and don't call it 'care'! I said a lady was going to be coming in to help my mother with things she found difficult.

It is a huge disruption to sell his house and buy a new one (which he will inevitably not like/change his mind about) only to find in a few months things have fallen apart. As you've found, things suddenly deteriorate, and as you rightly said moving to a new location will be disorientating for him. So I would hang on for a bit and see how things unfold.

This. Dementia is only ever going to get worse, which may happen quite quickly or be more gradual - hard to tell in advance. Any move once dementia has reared its dreaded head is going to be very disorienting, so personally I’d leave any big change until he’s ready for residential care - just more help at home until then.

I have heard of too many people who’ve moved into some sort of sheltered or warden-assisted accommodation, only to be asked to leave within a few months, because they are e.g. endlessly locking themselves out/bothering other residents by knocking on doors at 2 am, etc.

This. Anyone with experience of dementia would this is the most sensible option.

Your Small Town sounds perfect . Our LO was a wizz on the computer for their age (80) . All of a sudden almost ,they had no idea where to start with it. Sorry that you and your DF are going through this.

There are some very good points to consider, OP.
It is probably inevitable he is headed towards full time care in a care home, but when that will be, you don't know.
You either leave him where he is until that time comes or you intervene.
If you make an intervention, you want that intervention to be mutually beneficial to both you and him.
Knowing now that you have DC, a full time job and are a non-driver, personally I would prioritise bringing DF as close to you as soon as you are able. @catofglory is right, calls at anti-social hours will escalate. As things stand, you shortly will have his car keys and car disposal to manage. Take my word, this is difficult from a distance.
Sadly, there will be many other issues heading your way of a similar magnitude.
It's tough enough emotionally grieving for the loss of his liberty and personality. Next, adding in the micro-management of his everyday becomes quite overwhelming. I send you a hug, as this is not what you were hoping when your lovely DF is only 74.
Are there any ground floor one bedroom properties within walking distance of you that would work, rental or otherwise?

I would be careful with a retirement village. We looked into it for my PILs and the properties can very difficult to re-sell. I was glad they didn't do it.

You can't predict how quickly things will deteriorate, but you can try to future-proof things as much as possible. If your dad wants to move near you, it may be better to find him a rental (just a regular flat, not with a warden/extra care). That would allow you to adapt more easily when he needs to move on, and assuming he has enough savings you can buy at-home care as needed.

A complication is that you don't drive, and you are guaranteed to get frequent calls from him or neighbours for help, often at anti social hours, so if he is a distance away (you said he doesn't want to live in the town where you actually live) that doesn't sound a good option. You need to be able to get to him easily.

Be aware that at every stage, your dad will be certain that he does not need more help and can manage absolutely fine, even if he is getting lost or setting fire to his dinner.