Elderly mother and conflict with siblings

Neither he nor Mum like dealing with any reality in life - they were my sisters words to be fair and she is spot on.

@BlueLegume Well that explains his attitude, he’s waiting for you and your sister to deal with everything, because he “doesn’t” deal with things (aka he refuses to)!
If he were truly concerned, he’d take action.

I need some advice my mother in law has recently moved back to the same area as her children she was living 40 miles away with one of her daughters. She has five children that live around here but none of her children except from my husband are helping or even trying to help. But even she doesn’t expect them only my husband to do everything .my husband asked his brother if he could take her shopping this weekend and he rung while we was there about going on Sunday and she said my husband would be taking her shopping and he didn’t need to .

any advice

sal

Sounds like personality disorder or maybe her worsening behaviour would indicate cognitive impairment or dementia . Can a family member assess her.The gp will need to know how she is managing at home.Is she neglecting her hygiene , leaving food to rot? Is she falling ? How is her mood ? What meds is she on ?Is she incontinent and able to manage this .Is she sleeping or having nightmares.We had a baby monitor for my mother which showed she was up at night roaming and not sleeping .Ask gp for a mental health community team referral .

@Frostandfrogs by signs being there, FIL was someone who always spent a lot of time in his office. He kept a lot of notebooks as reminders and to monitor progress of whatever he was doing. He also kept paper copies of everything and wasn't great at filing.

However when we cleared out the office it was like going through layers. The top layers were just paper everywhere in total chaos. And loads of notebooks but filled with just random stuff.

When we got into the deeper layers you could see how he actually used his notebooks. And all the paper was piled everywhere but there was a system.

There was a clear 1-2 year layer where his 'system' just turned into chaos.

I can see why MIL just thought 'Oh, he's in his office' as superficially it looked the same.

Interestingly he also got into painting in retirement. Just before the date we could give for him not maintaining the office, he gave up painting. His family thought he didn't like it anymore but with hindsight, his brain had lost the ability to initiate the activity each day.

I’m wondering whether you may have spoken to me at some point 🤣

Thst is very interesting @AnnaMagnani What do you mean by the signs being there when you cleared out his office, if you don't mind me asking?

Hi there yes it’s all so complicated. I sympathize as Îm trying to help from a distance too. Trying not to have any arguments with sibling because we are both doing the best we can but the pressure of it all can make us snarky with each other sometimes. I do go to help for a few days / week very regularly as I’m trying my best out of love for LO with dementia (but still capacity )but also for my siblings sake Îm not leaving them to deal with it alone. It just wouldn’t be fair. Neither of us are getting any younger either, still working ( thankfully i can wfh) and have other responsibilities. This is a marathon !! Best wishes and strength to anyone reading who’s caring for someone.

@Frostandfrogs totally agree about early dementia being hard to spot in people who have historically been difficult.

When I first met my FIL I thought he had dementia. I was told 'oh no, he's always been odd'. 2 years later he had a dementia diagnosis and when we cleared his office, the signs were there from well before I met him.

In my clinical life I often meet patients with dementia and honestly they are generally very similar in terms of behaviour. However for families who had a difficult relationship they often can't identify that the patient isn't being unpleasant on purpose as it links to behaviours they have seen all their lives.

Conversations along the lines of 'but you don't understand, this person has always been stubborn/rude/lazy/unmotivated/aggressive/anxious' are very normal.

If you can't open the links, the podcast is called Conversations With Annalisa Barbieri

This is such an interesting and, I think, compassionate discussion of families and their dynamics as people age.
I think it's particularly difficult with people who were already a bit of a handful, and hard to tell what are early dementia behaviours and what is just their personality.

@BlueLegume somewhere on this board there was a podcast recommended, which I found very useful.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/0RGM9yfSgTN20yDJ2M6rUR?si=yzXH2XQQQ3O0TNyF1VxIxg

And there is another one about dementia https://open.spotify.com/episode/4WSYUXFIMq1tKb34NXqgjd?si=w9qU0gK9T8SFN6xf4l03ug

You might find the useful ( I think also on bbc sounds)

Is it the first time your DM has lived on her own as an adult? DAunt got like this as she was frightened and nervous of trying to do or arrange things on her own and articulated that by being difficult and refusing to engage with any change whilst she could cry and manipulate us into doing everything for her. I also think being on her own and how she wasnt coping with issues that she would have asked her DH to sort out as she could no longer do so, highlighted to us the start of her dementia. In the end a fall crisis made her see that she needed more physical support at home than we were able to supply.

If your brother thinks your Mum isn’t well can’t he make an appointment and take her to the doctor himself?

Oh yes, all this. I think the only way is to maintain sanity is have firm boundaries with regards to your mother, you can only do what you can do. Your brothers opinions and emotional needs don’t supersede yours or your sisters (even if your mother historically and currently fed into this!)

Absolutely not! Definitely not do anything for him, or anything extra. But you can’t make other people be different all you can do is manage your own behaviour and emotions.

That has a much better outcome than continuing to fight with someone who’s not likely to change.

I'm not sure that the OP and her sister have the wherewithal to take on the emotional needs of their brother as well as everything else. He's a grown man who can sort his own life out. I don't think offering to take some of the pressure off him is a good idea either. He's already determined to offload everything he doesn't want to do onto his siblings anyway, despite one of them living overseas.

I think you need to listen to the emotions not the facts.

You and your sister clearly do plenty, practically, and are thoroughly available for actual need. You obviously understand your mother very well, too.

This isn't an actual need, it's an emotional need from your brother. He's managed to overlook all the actual needs, and has finally realised things are changing. He's desperately trying to get you to fix it and make his life easy again.

I'd suggest two things-
For him- letting him vent, agreeing with him about how hard and worrying it all is, and checking whether he has a specific thing that needs addressing which you could help with if necessary- like her online shop. Thank him for the time he spends with her so he knows you know he does stuff.

For you- accept that he's a bit useless and will continue to be so. He's another thing to manage, not a fellow problem solver. That won't change. Expecting better will leave you cross and frustrated.

I'm going to work like a dog when I see DM this weekend, all on jobs other people could do better. But they won't. Their communication skills, inability to tolerate/ work around my mother's nonsense means that yet again I'll be doing the donkey work.

But a happier mother means an easier life, so I do it anyway. Not that she's happy. Just marginally less miserable 🤣