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Elderly parents
Original poster

Sister's attitude

62 replies

Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 10:56

I'm currently staying with my mum who has dementia. The reason I'm here is because of my sister's neglect. She's out a lot and didn't notice my mum's declining health.

Since I've been here my sister treats me like staff. She constantly criticises me and my efforts in taking care of my mum. I'm not being paid to look after my mum and see myself as helping out though I'm with her 24/7.

I cook and prepare all mum's meals. My sister doesn't approve of what I cook which are all very healthy. Lean meat, fish, lots of vegetables, salad etc the other night she looked at what I'd prepared and said that if she'd received that in a restaurant she'd send it back.

My sister doesn't lift a finger to support my mum, does nothing around the house and doesn't contribute towards rent or bills.shes out most nights and weekends and goes on lots of holidays. The caring is left to me.

When she gets in from work she quizzes my mum about what she's done and what she's eaten. If something has gone wrong she's very quick to blame me.

I'm fed up! What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 21:40

GeckoFeet · 25/05/2024 21:33

Why were you estranged?

We fell out.

OP posts:
GeckoFeet · 25/05/2024 21:33

Why were you estranged?

Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 20:17

Octavia64 · 25/05/2024 19:47

This sounds like a difficult situation.

If your mum thinks there is nothing wrong with her (and this is common with people
with dementia) she won't want cleaners carers etc in.

It sounds like she's already asking why you are there.

If your mum doesn't have capacity then you don't have any say in what happens as there is poa and it doesn't lie with you.

If she does have capacity then she is allowed to choose what she wants to do and that includes not eating etc. (it can be very hard to get people with dementia to eat).

The best thing you can do is to accept that your sister's attitude is what it is. There might be reasons for it or there might not. But she is who she is.

You say you have been there since December. Are you able to stay or is this a temporary thing? Do you have your own family?

Being a carer for someone with dementia (sorting food deliveries, cooking etc) can be really time consuming and go on for many years. Is it your intention to stay there for as many years as your mum needs?

It's a very difficult situation, you're right. It's been a real struggle dealing with my mum's tantrums and mood swings. She doesn't appreciate anything I've done and believes I'm persecuting her via Drs appointments, hospital appointments, medication, social services assessments etc

Added to this is my sister's constant judgement and criticism. It wouldn't be so bad if she was helping or being supportive in any way, but she's not.

I've finally got everything sorted out and am leaving soon. It's most definitely a temporary situation. Her care will be reassessed as her condition changes.

My sister's bitterness seems to stem from me not doing enough. She thinks my mum needs accompanying everywhere but she doesn't, she's pretty independent out and about. She gets angry at me when my mum goes shopping as she wastes her money, but I can't physically restrain my mum and prevent her shopping, I can't stop her leaving the house . So my sister's expectations are unreasonable but she doesn't see that.

I don't have my own family but I'm not planning on staying for much longer.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 25/05/2024 19:47

This sounds like a difficult situation.

If your mum thinks there is nothing wrong with her (and this is common with people
with dementia) she won't want cleaners carers etc in.

It sounds like she's already asking why you are there.

If your mum doesn't have capacity then you don't have any say in what happens as there is poa and it doesn't lie with you.

If she does have capacity then she is allowed to choose what she wants to do and that includes not eating etc. (it can be very hard to get people with dementia to eat).

The best thing you can do is to accept that your sister's attitude is what it is. There might be reasons for it or there might not. But she is who she is.

You say you have been there since December. Are you able to stay or is this a temporary thing? Do you have your own family?

Being a carer for someone with dementia (sorting food deliveries, cooking etc) can be really time consuming and go on for many years. Is it your intention to stay there for as many years as your mum needs?

Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 19:04

TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 13:58

I would set up a group video call with all your siblings so everyone knows the situation and make a list between you of who can do what to help, food deliveries can be done by anyone online. If someone refuses to help there's not much you can do individually so you have to set a few rules. If sister is living free then you could all say she needs to start contributing. What does mum want you all to do. Is she happy for you to take the load and not be compensated financially.

My mum keeps asking me why I'm there. She wants to know why I'm staying in her house. As far as she's concerned there's nothing wrong with her. Although she wants my sister to contribute she doesn't want to ask her. I've worked out bills and rent and she's agreed on the amount but doesn't want to say anything. My sister can be intimidating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 19:01

stayathomer · 25/05/2024 13:55

Op when parents are sick I think all siblings react differently. We all moved in together when my dad was dying and reacted very differently. In the nicest possible way you use the word neglect in your op so your sister is probably automatically on edge because she sees you as blaming her. Some people check out because they’re in Denial at what ls happening, it definitely happened in our house and we definitely let a lot of things pass us by assuming old age, he’s under pressure etc before my nurse sister stepped in with help and reality. It’s just to give you another perspective

I've never mentioned my sister's behaviour to her nor her lack of care towards my mother. She acts like my mum's manager and treats me as though I'm accountable to her and work for her. I'm utterly fed up. My other sister was definitely in denial about my mum's condition.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 18:59

TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 13:50

Tell her you're not her slave, can she please stop picking on you and if she doesn't want to help with mum would she prefer to handover p.o.a to you. The alternative is to just ignore her, pass pleasantries and concentrate on mum. Does anyone challenge her or has mum told her to help more and stop criticising everything.

My mum doesn't mention her lack of help but does want her to financially contribute. No one has challenged her and everyone seems desperate to keep the peace. Her behaviour is outrageous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 18:57

MotherJessAndKittens · 25/05/2024 13:50

I think you need to have a meeting with your sisters and point out your mum's deteriorating health and that she needs a bit more help now. Plan meals - ready meals are ok, have a board where you can write which meal to have each day and involve SS who may be able to give some help - e.g. visits at mealtimes, cleaning once a week etc. Really no excuse for the sister living with her not to clean fridge though.Doesn't take long! You could also organise a weekly/monthly food delivery from a local supermarket.

This has all been organised. My sister is going to shop and batch cook.

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 13:58

I would set up a group video call with all your siblings so everyone knows the situation and make a list between you of who can do what to help, food deliveries can be done by anyone online. If someone refuses to help there's not much you can do individually so you have to set a few rules. If sister is living free then you could all say she needs to start contributing. What does mum want you all to do. Is she happy for you to take the load and not be compensated financially.

stayathomer · 25/05/2024 13:55

Op when parents are sick I think all siblings react differently. We all moved in together when my dad was dying and reacted very differently. In the nicest possible way you use the word neglect in your op so your sister is probably automatically on edge because she sees you as blaming her. Some people check out because they’re in Denial at what ls happening, it definitely happened in our house and we definitely let a lot of things pass us by assuming old age, he’s under pressure etc before my nurse sister stepped in with help and reality. It’s just to give you another perspective

TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 13:50

Tell her you're not her slave, can she please stop picking on you and if she doesn't want to help with mum would she prefer to handover p.o.a to you. The alternative is to just ignore her, pass pleasantries and concentrate on mum. Does anyone challenge her or has mum told her to help more and stop criticising everything.

MotherJessAndKittens · 25/05/2024 13:50

I think you need to have a meeting with your sisters and point out your mum's deteriorating health and that she needs a bit more help now. Plan meals - ready meals are ok, have a board where you can write which meal to have each day and involve SS who may be able to give some help - e.g. visits at mealtimes, cleaning once a week etc. Really no excuse for the sister living with her not to clean fridge though.Doesn't take long! You could also organise a weekly/monthly food delivery from a local supermarket.

Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 13:37

TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 12:34

What other advice would you like, if mum is able to .look after herself then she does need he,lp did she notice the mouldy food and the dirty fridge. Do you feel confident that she will be cared for now so you can leave or are you planning on staying. If mum has capacity then she or one of your siblings can pay you if they want to. Mum could also add you to the p.o.a. what have social services suggested for the future. If the capacity assessment has been cancelled then everyone will assume she has capacity and is making her own decisions, I would get that rebooted, a welfare p.o.a. is pointless without it.

I'm asking for advice on how to deal with my sister's attitude towards me

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 12:34

What other advice would you like, if mum is able to .look after herself then she does need he,lp did she notice the mouldy food and the dirty fridge. Do you feel confident that she will be cared for now so you can leave or are you planning on staying. If mum has capacity then she or one of your siblings can pay you if they want to. Mum could also add you to the p.o.a. what have social services suggested for the future. If the capacity assessment has been cancelled then everyone will assume she has capacity and is making her own decisions, I would get that rebooted, a welfare p.o.a. is pointless without it.

Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 12:25

Toddlerteaplease · 25/05/2024 12:08

So all three of your sisters have apparently neglected her. Then you swoop in and take over. Seems a bit odd to me. How do you know that that they haven't tried to get her assistance?

One sister lives at the other side of the country and hasn't seen my mum in a few years. The other two are local and didn't notice my mum's decline. They both work full time.

Not sure what you're insinuating but this isn't AIBU.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 25/05/2024 12:08

So all three of your sisters have apparently neglected her. Then you swoop in and take over. Seems a bit odd to me. How do you know that that they haven't tried to get her assistance?

Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 11:45

DoreenonTill8 · 25/05/2024 11:39

But she's not managing these household tasks if her kitchen is as you say? What's your other sisters saying? And why were you only one not included as PoA?

Show quote history

I've cleaned up my mum's kitchen, sorted out her fridge. I take care of her shopping and meals. I've organised her utilities and finances. I've taken her to the GP and hospital appointments.

I've organised with my other sister to do her shopping and batch cook. I've found an organisation who can take her to medical appointments. I've been in contact with dementia crisis over her low mood. She's been discharged. I've spoken to safeguarding and social services a lot about her care. I've also been to her GP.

I have three sisters. The two who live locally to her are her financial POA. Three are welfare POA. I'm not POA because at the time my mum did it, we were estranged.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 11:40

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/05/2024 11:33

Sheltered housing with on-site warden?

She currently lives in a bungalow and her neighbours are all retirees. They seem to keep an eye on each other. In my opinion, my mum is currently fine where she is as long as her needs are met. I'll organise another needs assessment when she further declines.

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 25/05/2024 11:39

Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 11:32

My mum is quite independent and doesn't need residential care. Her only issues are shopping, finance, cooking and meal prompting. She needs assistance with medical appointments. She takes care of her own washing, personal care and light housework.

Show quote history

But she's not managing these household tasks if her kitchen is as you say? What's your other sisters saying? And why were you only one not included as PoA?

Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 11:34

TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 11:28

Saw your update. Your sister can have poa removed if she's not acting in mum best interest, you can contact the office of the public guardian. Has mum still got capacity, if not you can apply for deputyship

I organised a mental capacity assessment with social services but cancelled it as if she failed, I would no longer have a say over my mum's care needs. My three sisters have POA not me.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 25/05/2024 11:33

Sheltered housing with on-site warden?

Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 11:32

TomatoSandwiches · 25/05/2024 11:22

Time to sell the house and get mum in a care home, sister will have to find her own place to live.

My mum is quite independent and doesn't need residential care. Her only issues are shopping, finance, cooking and meal prompting. She needs assistance with medical appointments. She takes care of her own washing, personal care and light housework.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 11:28

TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 11:25

Mum needs a care assessment from her gp and a referral to social services plus a capacity assessment. Does anyone have p.o.a. and does mum have capacity. You can refer mum to adult social services and explain the situation about your sister living there rent free and neglecting mum.

This has already been done.

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 25/05/2024 11:28

Saw your update. Your sister can have poa removed if she's not acting in mum best interest, you can contact the office of the public guardian. Has mum still got capacity, if not you can apply for deputyship

Original poster
Sisterattitude · 25/05/2024 11:27

DoreenonTill8 · 25/05/2024 11:27

If your sister lives there is she living with unhygienic cooking/kitchen facilities?
How is she managing her meals?

Show quote history

She eats out most nights and was getting food deliveries.

OP posts:
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