Sister's attitude

Well this has come to a head and there is a lot of simmering tension waiting to boil over. My sister started telling me that my dinners aren't good enough and my mum was bored with them. She said that my mum had told her she's was bored which is bullshit. Firstly my mum loves what I cook and is always appreciative and secondly, she's got no clue what she's eaten five minutes after eating it. There's no way she'd say she was bored so my sister is just making stuff up. I told her I wasn't a fucking maid, which she found amusing.

Then my mum had a bit of a crisis regarding some banking that she didn't understand and my sister started shouting at me demanding to know what it was about. I told her it was none of her business and she stormed out slamming the door and we haven't spoken since.

I'm also fed up with the name calling, she keeps calling me a slag. Other choice words are mong and dick. Every time she does it I tell her not to call me names but she keeps doing it

She blamed me for my mum drinking alcohol even though she was there and is as much responsible for her as me. I can't wrestle the glass out of my mum's hand or tell her not to drink, she doesn't react well to it. She's also told me mum needs to do more activities but she already does quite a lot and rejects anything I suggest. She hasn't taken my mum out once since I've been here and barely spends any time with her. I haven't a clue where she gets her brass neck from

Anyway, I'm beyond my tolerance level and we're going to have a major falling out. But for now I'm just ignoring her.

I've put things in place which will help until her condition changes. My sister is going to batch cook and give her her evening meal and she'll also prepare her lunch for the next day. She'll call to remind her to eat at lunch. She'll also do her food shopping and keep an eye on the fridge to make sure her food is in date and it's clean. My mum usually eats breakfast by herself.

Regarding her mood, she was under the care of Dementia Crisis for a while who discharged her. They're part of the memory clinic. My mum has refused to see them again so the Memory Clinic discharged her. At the moment, her mood is fine and there have been no more threats.

She's had a diagnosis of dementia and Alzheimers. I take a regular reading of her blood pressure but my mum says it's broken and won't believe her blood pressure is high. I'm hoping the GP can convince her to take the medication but there's little I can do regarding that.

Regarding carers, the plan I have in place with my sister, eliminates the need for carers. I'll organise another needs assessment when her condition changes to see if she needs further help.

It's certainly neglectful. My mum was in a bad way in December. She was slowly starving, with no access to suitable food and no way of buying food or preparing it. Her mood was very low and eventually culminated in suicide threats which was why I got dementia crisis involved.

I'm very concerned about her going forward and have had a lot of contact with social services regarding this. My sisters are the problem here as my eldest sister doesn't believe in medication, Drs or social services.

I arranged for a carer to come in once a day to give her lunch and have a chat to gauge her state but my sisters don't want carers. So I've arranged with my elder sister to call her at lunch to remind her to eat and to drop in every day to guage her mood. I can obviously call as well but my mum doesn't really tell you how she's feeling.

I'll bring up my younger sister financially contributing but don't know how far that will get. She's a difficult character. She's also looking to move out at some point but since she's rarely home, I'm not sure what difference that will make.

There's no one keeping an eye on my mum's health. She refuses to take her blood pressure medication, saying that she doesn't need it. I have a Dr appointment in a week to discuss this with her GP but am not really sure what I can do. I can't force her to take the medication but she's at risk of a stroke and of course, it makes the dementia worse. She refuses to take any medication for her dementia. She has terrible mood swings and was offered medication to help with this but she refused and the Dr believed she has capacity so it was left there.

I've done what I can regarding diet and exercise but she continues to drink which doesn't help and drinks with her neighbour. I've asked my sister to tell the neighbour to stop giving her drink but she doesn't see the problem. My older sister gives her a gin and tonic everyday and says she's an adult and has a right to drink.

I can't stay much longer as my mum doesn't want me with her and I want to go home. She's extremely difficult to live with and has tantrums at the smallest slight. She often isn't talking to me because of some perceived slight and sees me as constantly on at her as I'm trying to help with her care and health. She doesn't think there's anything wrong with her and refuses to co operate with her care needs although at the moment she does seem open to carers but I don't know how long that will last.

My mum doesn't have carers, I'm currently taking care of her care needs. Before that no one was. My mum has had a needs assessment and a plan was put in place but my sisters don't want social services involved in my mum's care. I agreed the needs plan with them going forward. Welfare POA is not in place. The plan involves her shopping and meals needs. Her needs will be reassessed when her condition changes.

I'm doing my best to advocate for her. I've spoken to social services and we've agreed a plan going forward and will reassess her needs when the time comes. My sisters don't want the state involved in her care so we've worked out her care needs between us. She probably will need residential care at some point.

Telling my sister is one thing, her acting on it is another. I can ask my sister to contribute but whether she will is a different matter. I haven't involved her in my mother's care going forward as she doesn't want to contribute. I asked her if would help with shopping going forward and she said she's too busy. When she's around she still expects me to prepare my mother's food and run around after her. She doesn't lift a finger and I don't imagine that changing.

I'll look into guardianship. I agree that what my sister was doing amounted to neglect. I don't believe it was purposeful though. She just didn't notice my mum's health had declined. My other sister was in denial and thought she was fine. However, that's hopefully been resolved now. No I don't believe my mum has capacity. I'll speak to her Dr.

You have quite the imagination. I haven't said anything to my sister. I haven't criticised her. No one has mentioned rent to her. My mum wants her to contribute financially.

Not really for you to tell me to leave, is it.

I don't have POA for my mum. My sisters do. In my opinion, she doesn't have capacity to manage her finances. She took £20,000 out of her investments and forgot about it. She can't handle money. I've spoken to my sisters many times since I've been here about sorting out POA but they won't do it. They don't want to discuss it with her as she has tantrums when her independence is challenged.

I contacted the guardianship office and they said I need to get proof of lack of mental capacity. If I get proof of that then I have no say over my mother's care. At the moment, things aren't so bad that I want to challenge POA.

I don't know what the POA forms say as I don't have access to them.

We'll have to agree to disagree here. Although I believe my sister is taking advantage, I don't see her actions as coercive or criminal. My mum likes having her in the house. I've gone through my mum's utilities and worked out half, I've added a couple of hundred on for rent. I need to work out a way of approaching my sister regarding this. My older sister thinks it's indecent but doesn't want to rock the boat. My mum doesn't want to bring it up. It's something I'm working on and will challenge before I leave.

If my sister was borrowing money or taking money, then I'd have challenged that immediately. My sister isn't purposefully intimidating my mum, she has a forceful personality and can be difficult.

That's not strictly true. Financial POA can be enacted at any time. Welfare POA is enacted after loss of capacity. In my opinion, my mum doesn't have capacity. My mum can't look after her finances and my sistere should take control of them but they won't do it.

Living with your mum rent free isn't a 'crime'. She's not swindling my mum out of money or borrowing sums from her. I've been through my mum's bank statements going back a long time and nothing untoward is going on.

I'm not sure what she can do. My sister isn't taking money from my mum. Financial POA is another source of frustration. I keep telling my sisters to take over my mum's finances but they won't. I think they're worried about my mum's reaction.

As far as I'm concerned it is financial abuse. It's taking advantage of someone with dementia. We weren't sure but have recently discovered that my suspicions are correct. My older sister thinks it's disgraceful and my other sister doesn't know, as far as I'm aware.