Dreading speaking to parents

This.

I had all this with my parents. It was just constant doom, and total refusal to do anything to alleviate the things they moaned about, or accept help. You just have to leave them to it and limit calls/contact accordingly or it will drag you down

That sounds incredibly frustrating. You may just need to shut down the moaning by calmly and firmly saying, Mum, there are a lot of things you could afford to do to make your life easier and more enjoyable. When you decide that you want to do so, I am very happy to help. But I don't want to hear you complaining, so let's change the subject. Remind her that she is making her own decisions not to pay for a taxi/respite care etc.

My parents are the somewhat the same won't spend money are not open to doing things need help with the garden won't have anyone in see won't spend money. I suspect cognitive issues but they won't go to the gp as they say they are on enough pills and on It goes, it must be exhausting for them because I know I'm exhausted with them, I've no advice or words of wisdom only empathy.

With my own DPs mild dementia, declining eyesight and mobility (affecting the ability to drive) and continence issues made them wary of going out at all, adding to their increasing isolation and depression.

I had POA for them both so staged an intervention of sorts as I couldn't stand the negativity any longer. We tackled the continence by buying pads (that was a row and a half as they were both in total denial!), I organised a cleaner, and they gave up the car so I organised an account with a taxi firm so they could go to a weekly lunch, shopping etc to get them out of the house. DM also had an afternoon at the local social day centre to give DF a break and he could go for a break to chat to his old pals at the bowls club. It was a bit tough love but with working ft and my own family demands I couldn't continue without us all cracking up

I suspect I'm the same generation as your parents. When I was born, there was still rationing. My parents were not well off and they both had a deep seated scarcity mindset which they passed on to me. I have a hard time shifting this even though I know intellectually that it's ridiculous. I suspect some would call me unnecessarily frugal too, but it comes from having it drummed into me that Terrible Things would happen if I didn't hang on to every penny for some unspecified future needs.

You might get somewhere with the argument that they were well set up before they started getting attendance allowance so logically they can afford to spend it without putting their long term safety at risk. Perhaps your mum could be persuaded to spend half of it on something to make life easier for the next six weeks, and then to think about whether it was worth it. That still gives her control and is a lot less scary that opening yourself up to random spending.

It may be that your father’s dementia makes it difficult for your mother to countenance trips out, cleaners etc? Sometimes these things are more hassle - bit like when we have young children and getting ready for school is an absolute palava. This is also because some people with dementia do not like change or new people. It’s an anxiety thing. It sounds like your mum just needs a break from your dad, but knows he won’t let her out of his sight.

Respite care for your dad? Any day care centres? He likely won’t want to go, but your mum has needs too.