Dreading speaking to parents

I thought this too -- that they want you to help and nobody else.
Partly because that's the expectation (daughters should help elderly parents) and posibly also because it will be cheaper, if not free.
If they're not saying so they may well do so yet (or send flying monkeys emissaries to lay the guilt on you)
Sorry, it's really hard for you but it may get worse unless you have the conversation.

I'm sure she does, my DF has dementia and people aren't all affected in the same way and over different time scales. I could take him out (not that he'd ever go) and he'd be no problem.

Have you any idea how difficult it is to take someone with dementia out, or even leave them alone while you go out?

I avoid speaking to my parents for the same reasons. I've now not spoken to them for weeks, so I'm really going to have to call them soon, and I know how that will go.

I read the Telegraph, and I’m sure others do here on this board. So churning out tired clichés is both rude and ignorant. Ironically it only exposes the posters’ own arrogance and self-piety.

Agree. Generosity of spirit.

Maybe it’s some kind of secret power - or oneupmanship at least in my relative’s case. In the case of narcissism there’s a lot of watching and withholding from others, even occasionally for themselves. I think hoarding tendencies come into play too.

But the mean spiritedness does backfire in a way. I never do anything back out of ‘generosity’ either. I do the minimum. I don’t enjoy buying presents or anything giving like that as everything is being measured and controlled.

Yup Telegraph for mine!

My late DM had many faults. But I will always be grateful for her pragmatic approach to transport. Her driving ability was getting worse, and one day after a near-miss with a cyclist, she sat down and calculated how much it cost to run a car each year (including depreciation), and then translated it into taxi fares. Goggled at the number, sold the car immediately, and enjoyed door to door trips into town thereafter.

@Bohemond23 well off people are often well off for a reason- in your parents case it's because they are mean as shit , both in cash and spirit -it will bite them on the arse one day - my father in law at 85 is the opposite and consequently I always want to help him out - it's not the cash - it's the generosity of spirit

Joining please. I feel the same about my parents. We are 3 hours away. I reluctantly call once a week but they have nothing to talk about as their lives are so boring. Despite huge pension income and loads of cash they will not spend money on anything that isn’t physical - a lawnmower is fine but they won’t buy a coffee out or go for a meal where they can’t use a voucher. They will spend hours waiting for a free bus as dad won’t pay for parking. They have five cars and only drive one, they have a huge and decrepitating house in Surrey worth hundreds and thousands but won’t move or spend any money on to make it more suitable for them.

Everything they say drips of judgement about how I am living my life, what we spend money on, what my boy is doing etc. etc. And don’t get me started on the casual racism and snobbiness.

It’s slightly come to a head recently when I was acutely ill and in hospital for two weeks. That was nearly three months ago and they have made no effort to visit. Parents of friends have visited FFS. Neither have they made any enquiries about how we are coping financially without my income or offered to help out. A conversation is coming but it is not something that can be done on the phone. Not looking forward to it.

You could just keep trying to persuade them to agree to start with buying in a couple of hours of care or cleaning but better would be a proper needs assessment. There might be stuff your dad needs help with that you're not aware of.

Would they be persuaded to at least talk to a professional eg local dementia uk or age uk person or a nice care company manager or someone from carers uk? There will be someone in your area who is good at this. As they sometimes just don't want advice from their well meaning daughter. Or a memory cafe type thing

If you already have LPA for your dad, then you can already make decisions on his behalf - decisions that would benefit your mum too.

All I can say is that did not happen to me. My mother was self funded, so I chose the care home. The state was not involved in the process.

But maybe the case you are referring to was council funded. If the council is funding it, they source the placement and a relative having H&W LPA makes no difference because they aren't paying.

I think it is a sneaky Govt way of not providing more care. Cheaper to just hand out AA and not giving more support to families in need.

I did a search and this thread came up. H and W is important. An inlaw of mine did not have it for a widowed parent. When it was determined that parent had dementia the state took over. His loving family member was not able to decide which care home that he would live in. He ended up a couple of hours drive away.

I agree with @EmotionalBlackmail about trying the tactic of framing it as doing someone else a favour; my late uncle loved his garden, but it was getting too much for him, although he would never admit it. Funding was not an issue, but he was another from the wartime generation.
He was persuaded to enlist the efforts of a local handyman who was down on his luck, and we put it to him that he was giving him a wage so that he would not "feel like a charity case". Dignity preserved, he came to enjoy his company as well as appreciating his work in the garden.

Amassing savings gives a solid visible number to measure their life work?

This is a really good thread. I am really struggling with many of the same issues.

This is part of the care the NHS used to provide, don't think it should be means tested any more than the NHS should be mens tested

This is why AA should be means tested.

I wouldn't receive it if it was means tested but then why should I.

We just had the mrs/miss mistske on my mums and I called and they rectified it free. Because its a title and people can call themselves whatever title they like even if married.

That's great. The finance one is the essential one. I don't have H&W for my mother and it has never been an issue, but would be good to have if you can.

@ScandiNoirNuit you are right, they will be resistant. But it will increasingly become a case of providing what they need, not what they want. I am sorry to say that it is extremely likely things are going to deteriorate significantly, so you need to be prepared for that.

If you don't have LPA, please look into that urgently, it takes months to get it registered. In time to come without LPA there will effectively be no one in charge of their finances which will be disastrous - they will have masses of cash but no way of releasing it for the care they need. You would then need to apply for a Deputyship which is far far more onerous than using an LPA.