DM is so frustrating with insurance renewals. HELP!!

She asked a local company that would sell on eBay for a fee Oh, thanks! I didnt know such things existed!

@EmotionalBlackmail Yes I understand that, and like many people, I was working full time, had a family when my mum was older, and whilst I didn't live a very long way away, it was still an hour's drive each way most of the time. My Mum could be as frustrating as anyone else's, and didn't understand any sort of technology in her later years. I expect that she would have felt the same as your mum with the eBay example. Although my Mum did use a laptop for a couple of years, she repeatedly got herself into trouble signing up for different offers and scams, which took many many hours for me to sort out. I was very relieved when her laptop broke! But my main point in my previous post was my sadness at the huge lack of empathy, understanding, compassion, and respect for older people that has been shown by so many people on this thread. It's not easy to accept that you're getting older and declining in so many ways, and it can be quite demeaning and intimidating for an elderly parent to have their children trying to push them into doing things they don't want or may not fully understand.

@Growlybear83 I don't think it's as simple as that for a lot of us though. It's not just a case of working our way willingly through a list of small jobs. A lot of those jobs have escalated (because they've ignored our advice), could be done by someone else (but they don't want to "put someone out" or pay for it) or could be done a different way that is easier, more efficient etc (but they won't hear of it). And we realistically can't manage all of it because of our other time commitments like work and children.

I'm not close to mine (literally in distance terms and in terms of relationship!) but she has entirely unrealistic expectations of what I can do for her versus what is available and could be done by other people!

One example is that she wanted to clear out some household china type items and wanted to sell them on eBay rather than donate to a charity shop. She doesn't use eBay herself and isn't a confident computer user. She asked a local company that would sell on eBay for a fee but refused to go ahead as she thought they were over-charging. She had no idea of the amount of time that would go into taking photos, writing descriptions, eBay seller fees, packaging of breakables and taking to the Post Office. Then she was annoyed when I refused to do it. But I really didn't have time! So it's all still sat in her house.

I think some of the comments on this thread are so sad. So many people seem to be completely lacking in any sort of empathy or understanding for their parents when they get older. I know that some people don't keep in contact with their parents for various reasons, but surely if you DO have a good relationship with your parents, you try to understand the difficulties of ageing and put yourself out to help them without being so critical of them not using technology, not wanting to change insurance providers, and how they spend their money?

My mum died when she was 95 and needed quite a lot of support in her later years, especially as dementia took hold, but I would never have dreamt of criticising her for not wanting to change the way she paid for her bills, or complaining when she gave me a list of little things that needed doing when I went to see her. People do need extra help as they get older, and empathy as well, and I always told her to leave things for me to sort when I visited. It's not nice to have to accept that you are ageing and can't do the things you used to do,, and my Mum found it so hard when she had trouble doing simple things like changing a lightbulb. It broke her heart when she had to give up driving at 91, and when she could no longer manage her garden, which had previously won awards. I did what I could to keep it under control, and found a lovely gardener for her, but she hated it because she felt that she had lost another major part of her life. My mum was never aware of much of the cleaning that I did when her eyesight declined and she couldn't see that her kitchen was filthy, and I could never have hurt her feelings by letting her realise how bad things were getting. I did find it frustrating that my Mum didn't spend enough of her money on herself, but it would never have occurred to me to try to organise how she used her money and I just kept a discrete eye on her bills and made sure everything was paid when it needed to be. At the end of the day, she was my Mum, and had devoted a large proportion of her life looking after me, and she deserved my support, empathy, and above all kindness in her declining years.

@MereDintofPandiculation I think you have raised some good points. Have you read the books by Wendy Mitchell? She has recently passed away but was a campaigner for dementia awareness. Her book 'What I Wish People Knew About Dementia' covers a lot about her desire to remain as independent as possible, despite the risks.
Her books and another by Nicci Gerrard 'What Dementia Teaches Us About Love' have informed the way I try to treat my mother, despite the niggles and frustrations I feel at times 💐

Unfortunately I think you need to let this one go.
We have actually taken over all insurance renewals from our elderly parent, mainly as she doesn't have an email address but the whole concept of insurance price checking etc. was just proving too much.
All the best.

I think when my DH is in the age group talked about and I'm only a few years younger, it's time for me to try to keep out of these conversations, and try to stick to purely factual stuff.

@TammyJones hat is so easily said and not so easily done, when you are doing admin for somebody who wants to be capable of doing these things, and who is dead set on being involved. I mean it's the obvious thing, right?

I think for @EasterRose24 and others this board is a place for expressing some frustrations and gathering a few ideas, but in the main we just want a little vent where it won't harm the people who we are helping.

And help them we do, with kindness and love, but many of us need somewhere to go (ie here) for a little rant from time to time.

Bill £400
Pay from savings.
£80 saved - straight back ti savings.
Direct debt payment of £35 saved each month paid back into savings.
10 month later back to square one.
If she can't understand that she won't notice if you set it up for her.

And you save her money.

I honestly dont think anyone is trying to stop perfectly capable people from changing light bulbs. But we all know many many people in their 80's who think they know better. Wont be told what to do bt anyone. Wont wear a fall pendant. Will continue to do daft jobs because they know best.

I notice that some people are talking about care pendants. They arent the answer to everyone's prayers. Who do you think the contact at the call centre is when elderly person falls? Its not a carer - they will be off doing another job, on holiday etc. They wont be rushing round, cancelling holidays, theatre tickets unused (this happened to me). It will be the daughter/DIL (sons rarely seem to come up in these sorts of conversations).

My parents have now passed - one very recently. For the last parent I literally had to be lay the law down. Told them that if they didnt change their ways we would have to consider a care home - I know it sounds bloody harsh but I was literally being called by the independent living complex a couple of times a week about things parent had done or not done. There didnt seem to be any reason for some of the things. One thing I did know is they were massively affecting my life. I ran parents life with regard to health and finances, they didnt need to worry about anything yet here I was spending huge amounts of time helping the parent. In the end heath issues meant they had to move to a care home. Many many falls, confusion about lots of things, mood swings, pressing her care pendant a lot when they fell and couldnt get up.

I don't complain about "small jobs" where they genuinely need doing and there's no alternative.

What I do moan about are the multititude of small things that could be avoided with planning, common sense, adaptation, etc., but which need doing because someone won't take advice, won't change, etc.

Lots of people pay monthly and pay extra for the convenience. Ive done it some years, some years I dont.

The sensible alternative would be to buy a small/cheap/lightweight step ladder for around £25 which is about the same height as a chair but a lot safer!

Or replace old fashioned bulbs with LED bulbs which last for years and don't need changing that often (but of course, some people still hark back to the old filament bulbs and think it's a disgrace that Tesco don't sell them anymore which means the burden/onus is back on their children to source them via Ebay because the parent "doesn't do ebay" do they? That's what happened with my MIL - refused point blank to use LED bulbs because presumably she'd seen an article in the Daily Mail about how they're too bright or too dim, or whatever! We tolerated her at first and got a box of filament bulbs from Ebay but the quantity was crap and they were blowing within a few weeks, so we just had to lie and say we couldn't get them anymore and got a box of LED ones from Tesco - she moaned at first, but soon forgot and we've never had to change one since!

I don't think this is about insurance. I thinks it's about you being exhausted and overwhelmed with this additional work and then your mother not actually taking your advice to make yours and her life easier.
I think it's time to set some boundaries. You say she's capable. It's her choice whether to renew with her current insurer or for her to shop around- she can do this by phone.
Easier said then done I know but if you don't start now it will escalate.

One light bulb can’t wait if it’s the main light in the room. But even if it can - who can you get to change it? Not DC - because there will be lots of other small jobs, and one thing DC complain about on here is being confronted with a list of jobs every time they visit. So what is the solution for someone who is perfectly capable, but just has problems with things requiring strength and who everyone feels shouldn’t be climbing ladders?

@Tracker1234 mum also refused to wear her pendant, and had to crawl to the base unit with a broken hip. She has a new hip and wears her pendant now.
The mental capacity act can cause a lot of frustration among those of us left to pick up the pieces. I agree with you on all your points!

Solidarity @EasterRose24 I've spent a trying afternoon with my mother, who is adamant she can do these admin things herself. She can't, but I have to let her get into a pickle before she'll let me help. I end up feeling like I should have stepped in earlier, while knowing through bitter experience that she'll get stroppy if I try.
I'd love her to accept help sooner as it would save her from feeling the upset at not being as capable as she once was. It would be so much easier for us both.
I hear you 💐

The alternative is to recognise that one light bulb can wait until it can be done safely. Don’t stand on a chair with a cushion on top because you cannot wait or you think you know better because I guarantee that your children will be sorting out the mess you create.

Yes, someone with capacity can live the life they choose. 100% I agree with this but not when it affects others and causes such huge issues to your family.

The problem ones are the ones who think they're capable (mentally and physically) but aren't, and get themselves into one sorry mess after another, whether financially or health wise, and then it falls to their children normally to dig them out of the hole they dug for themselves, when if they'd have just not been so damned arrogant and "know it all" in the first place and accepted help/advice they'd not have got themselves into the mess.

And no, it's not just because of the recent push for things to be online, it's the same with other things like the falling off the chair example above. But even with the online issues, lots of older people had ample opportunity to embrace technology years ago but shunned it because "they know better", or there are plenty who happily use their laptop to Facetime relatives or do geneology searches or emails or online quizzes, or whatever floats their boat, but steadfastly refuse to use it for financial stuff.

I have an uncle who constantly facetimes his relatives all over the World, but when I mentioned online banking, he just grumbled and said "I don't do the internet" - completely oblivious that Facebook WAS the internet!!

We also have an elderly neighbour who uses a huge heavy petrol lawnmower for his very modest sized lawn - he can barely move it, and even worse, his drive and lawn is on a slope. He's been struggling with it for years, but it finally broke last Summer and we hoped he'd see sense and either get a gardener or a smaller/lightweight electric mower. I despaired when I saw him with tools all over the drive trying (and failing) to assemble his new heavy petrol mower which he bought on a "self assembly" basis - OK not self assembly of the engine, but quite a few bits needed self assembly such as the handles, rollers, etc. OH had to go and help him which was a battle as the old guy clearly thought he could do it and was annoyed at someone trying to help. Eventually, they got it made and the guy started struggling mowing his lawn again. Then a few weeks later, he was trying to push it back up his drive and he tripped and it fell back pushing him over landing him in hospital - could have been a lot worse, at least the cutting blades weren't rotating at the time! Just why do they do it to themselves??

Some people just won't be helped, and although it's hard, sometimes you just have to let them make their own mistakes and get themselves out of their holes.

My work collegue cancelled a holiday because just as they were leaving for the airport the parent called to say they had fallen (whilst standing on a chair and cushion!) whilst changing a bulb. They had been told not to do it as they had been caught before but did they listen?? But what is the alternative? Who would you call to change a light bulb for you?

Though I accept a stepladder would have been safer.

I am not sure some are missing the point here. Of course its the elderly parents money. However they shouldnt be getting daughters to run around getting them quotes, making sarky comments and otherwise making a bit of a nuisance of themselves to then turn round and say they are doing things the way they want to do them.

DH was the same in that he went with what he knew because he didnt do technology, he didnt own a computer and was quite proud of the fact. Of course it meant he couldnt compare prices, take advice from places like MoneySavingExpert etc. He did it HIS way. Which is fine but stop moaning that prices were shooting up when there were other options. I do get that of course he was embarassed that he didnt keep up with things. He didnt own a mobile either. In the end I showed him very simply what I had done with his insurance and he realised that I knew what I was doing. So many of my friends parents wont listen or fib about their capabilities. Its again fine but who gets called in the middle of the night because of a fall (with said parent refusing to wear a pendant). They managed to crawl to the emergency button but sadly did some damage to their broken hip.

My work collegue cancelled a holiday because just as they were leaving for the airport the parent called to say they had fallen (whilst standing on a chair and cushion!) whilst changing a bulb. They had been told not to do it as they had been caught before but did they listen??

Also, a few hundred for car insurance seems very very low for her age. Insurance has shot up recently. Have you had a recent quote? It was 90 where my Dad’s insurance shot up. No big increases through his 80s.

Got to admit I have zero time for those pensioners who are as mean as shit with both themselves and other close family and imply they are struggling when they have huge savings stashed away plus a home they own plus pension/s - however in a case like this it's more to do with mental organisation rather than being mean to themselves/others. She obviously feels better seeing her savings remain the same and factoring these payments into her monthly budget- so really although it's not the way you would do it and it doesn't seem logical- it's up to her -

My mother has a decent pension. Over the past few years she has gotten worse in regards to spending money, moans about bills and the cost of living. Along with this she has savings. Both myself and another sibling could do with some financial help. Yet despite knowing our circumstances their is no money forthcoming.

She told me that she won't be putting my name on her accounts. The reality is that her decision to do this but unfortunately in going to make things difficult for her long term.

Recently she said to me she had gotten information regarding her x insurance. She had this letter for about 3 weeks before showing me. When she heard the price I got that's very expensive - can you get me something cheaper?
So I went online and found some other policies that were cheaper. I told her she need to ring the x insurance company and ask the questions I wrote down for her regarding the cheaper policies.
A week later she had still not made this phone call and it's time sensitive.
I can't ring the company and speak about her policy because they need her permission to chat me about this.

The truth because of her behaviour over the past few years I have decided to step back and let her deal with thing's. I have had enough of trying to sort out different things for her. She refuses to listen to what I say because of course she knows better. I can see it will just be a matter of time before she needs more help because of her age and other issues.
Meanwhile I am making plans that will suit me and not her care needs going forward.

Sometimes, OP, the cheapest thing isn't the best thing. We all just do what suits us best. Assuming your mother has capacity, then she can do what the hell she likes. Even if she wants to put £1,000 on a horse in the 3.30 at Ascot, that is absolutely fine because it's her money.