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Elderly parents
Original poster

Breaking the news about a death

26 replies

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 13/05/2024 21:09

My DU (mum's widowed BiL) died suddenly at the weekend. After my DF died he was a great help to DM, filing papers, organising bills etc - things I would have done for her but he liked to keep busy. He visited her every week before the pandemic and after she went into the home he visited her every single week.

DM's dementia is such that she has very little language. When she saw him she seemed to know that it was him. When my cousin and I visit she always asks "How's Dad?" and we have no idea if she is talking about DU, DF, DGF or even DH so we just say he's fine and he's very busy.

My cousins feel that she needs to be told the DU has died and I can see why and am happy to do what is best for them in the middle of their grief but I am concerned about DM will react. I spoke to the home this morning and one of her favourite carers will be with us when we visit (a friend is coming with me - I want to break the news before cousin visits her) and this carer will be on duty for the next few days and will keep a special eye on her as will the rest of the team.

I am wondering if anyone else has had experience of this and can give me some support/a handhold as I am dreading it.

OP posts:
maxelly · 13/05/2024 21:29

I don't I'm afraid, but I'm really sorry for your loss and for what you're going through. And you are more than welcome to a handhold. Sorry to ask obvious questions but do you think your mother will be able to understand the news if imparted to her in clear, simple language? Will she retain the information when given, or are you unsure? And do you know what kind of reaction to expect or are you in the dark/worried that she is going to be very distressed?

I really think the best you can do is sit and hold her hand and say in very plain terms that you have some very sad news, that X has died. Then hold her hand if she finds that comforting and go with whatever she wants to do next, whether that's crying or being completely distracted/unbothered or something in between... I think if you do that you have honestly done your best both by your mother and cousin.

I don't think I'd hammer the point home myself even if she doesn't really seem to have understood or remembered or continues to ask for X or 'your Dad'. Personally I think cases of severe dementia are one of the times it's ok to tell white lies so I have been ok in the past with reassuring distressed elderlies that their loved ones are fine and well, looking forward to seeing them, busy at work etc even when said loved ones have been dead for many many years. It can be very distressing for all concerned but seemed kinder than repeatedly reminding them of their bereavement over and over...

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