Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

MIL wants stairlift in our house when she visits

272 replies

Midliffey · 11/05/2024 07:56

Hello
i get on well with my MIL. DP stays with her once a week and we have her for the odd weekend and Christmas Easter etc
She has COPD is very immobile and it’s a frame or stick. Can’t stand up indepenly. She pays for a carer everyday to wash her and do housework.
she cannot manage our stairs and has asked we install.stair Lift. I don’t want this. We have a downstairs room she can use but it’s too far from toilet and she says she doesn’t want to use commode.
inhave teens at home and it feels like it’s
not my home as they are always in and out as it is (busy house with 10 at a time on weekends) that’s another story.
i think a stairlift when no one who lives here needs it is a big ask
my husband would do anything for his mother and wants it. He asked me to think about it. I can’t help think it’s selfish that she would ask? Am I being the selfish one ?

OP posts:
lovenotwar149 · 11/05/2024 16:51

OP in how many other ways does your DH placate and prioritise his mother?

I'm guessing that this is only one of many.

That is a great question!!

Chatonette · 11/05/2024 16:50

No

lovenotwar149 · 11/05/2024 16:49

Its a RED flag imo that this is even a conversation between you all!!!

lovenotwar149 · 11/05/2024 16:48

HELL NO!! Again...

HELL NO!!!
Dont do it!!

EmotionalBlackmail · 11/05/2024 16:47

There's also no guarantee that she'd be able to use it for long if you did install one (and I don't think you should). Our neighbours had one put in but it only got a few months' use before the really frail one's dementia got worse so it couldn't be used. Someone can't use one if they can't understand what's happening as the person could try and get up halfway up the stairs and then fall.

It then made it difficult to sell the house - company wouldn't buy it back despite saying they would when it was installed. Eventually sold after several price reductions and the new owners hadn't realised how much hassle it would be to get rid of it!

EurovisionIsLife · 11/05/2024 16:35

Lbdse · 11/05/2024 07:59

Do you think she has a plan to move in with you in the long term?

Clearly this if you put in a stair lift!

SheilaFentiman · 11/05/2024 16:34

Alwaysalwayscold · 11/05/2024 16:26

If there's no need for her to get upstairs and get visits are infequent then I really don't understand why they want to spend thousands on one in the first place.

I doubt they’ve looked into cost or space yet. It sounds like a “wouldn’t it be nice if…”

Iwasafool · 11/05/2024 16:29

Hayliebells · 11/05/2024 13:37

If I was looking around an otherwise nicely done home, that had a starlift, it would put me off as a buyer. Maybe if I was factoring in spending ££££ on a doer-upper, that was priced at such, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. But if I wanted to buy somewhere I could just move into, without any faffing around removing stairlifts, I may well swerve that house in favour of another. There's enough surprises expenses you need to factor in when home buying, a great big obvious one would put off some people I'm sure. So yes, it may well devalue your home.

Show quote history

You get it removed before you sell, it isn't that big a job. We sold it, the buyer removed it (well he might have paid someone to do it) so we had money left over. I can't see why it would devalue a house but as I said lots of perfectly reasonable reasons the OP might not want it.

SloaneStreetVandal · 11/05/2024 16:29

Midliffey · 11/05/2024 07:56

Hello
i get on well with my MIL. DP stays with her once a week and we have her for the odd weekend and Christmas Easter etc
She has COPD is very immobile and it’s a frame or stick. Can’t stand up indepenly. She pays for a carer everyday to wash her and do housework.
she cannot manage our stairs and has asked we install.stair Lift. I don’t want this. We have a downstairs room she can use but it’s too far from toilet and she says she doesn’t want to use commode.
inhave teens at home and it feels like it’s
not my home as they are always in and out as it is (busy house with 10 at a time on weekends) that’s another story.
i think a stairlift when no one who lives here needs it is a big ask
my husband would do anything for his mother and wants it. He asked me to think about it. I can’t help think it’s selfish that she would ask? Am I being the selfish one ?

I would politely decline her request! Once it's installed you may have her asking to move in! 🫣

StaunchMomma · 11/05/2024 16:28

I agree with you, Op - it's just too much to ask for someone who doesn't live there.

She may not want to use a commode but it wouldn't be very often, whereas you'd be stuck with that ugly thing every day.

Also agree with PPs that the money would be way better invested in putting in a downstairs loo, which everyone can use.

Alwaysalwayscold · 11/05/2024 16:26

If there's no need for her to get upstairs and get visits are infequent then I really don't understand why they want to spend thousands on one in the first place.

fluffiphlox · 11/05/2024 16:26

I think you can hire them, at least that’s what friends did. Once the lady in question went into a home, it was taken away again.
All that said, I wouldn’t want it and it sounds like she wants to move in.

IClaudine · 11/05/2024 16:24

SheilaFentiman · 11/05/2024 16:21

You do have to remove the bannister if that runs along the same wall, though

Show quote history

True, we had to do this, but just filled the holes and touched up the paint.

I am very biased about stairlifts, they can be so life changing! Though I wouldn't install one in OP's circumstances.

Wonder if OP will come back to the thread at some point.

SheilaFentiman · 11/05/2024 16:21

IClaudine · 11/05/2024 16:21

Why would it ruin the walls? They are attached to the stairs only.

Show quote history

You do have to remove the bannister if that runs along the same wall, though

diddl · 11/05/2024 16:21

Surely though the stair lift would only really be needed for Mil to go to up to bed & come downstairs in the morning?

I'm thinking that in the day time she is capable of using the downstairs loo just that the room she would sleep in is too far?

IClaudine · 11/05/2024 16:21

Zanatdy · 11/05/2024 15:46

Absolutely not, for occasional visits. It will ruin your carpet and walls when taken out, need redecorating etc.

Why would it ruin the walls? They are attached to the stairs only.

SheilaFentiman · 11/05/2024 16:20

serviette · 11/05/2024 16:17

Get a stairlift. Life is short and one day it will be our turn to want one. What goes around comes around in different ways. It's not forever and will make someone vulnerable incredibly supported and content.

And will make the people who actually live in the house 24/7/365 pissed off they have to negotiate it several times a day.

serviette · 11/05/2024 16:17

Get a stairlift. Life is short and one day it will be our turn to want one. What goes around comes around in different ways. It's not forever and will make someone vulnerable incredibly supported and content.

Gymnopedie · 11/05/2024 16:17

OP in how many other ways does your DH placate and prioritise his mother?

I'm guessing that this is only one of many.

fungipie · 11/05/2024 15:56

Mmmkaay · 11/05/2024 08:08

If you can manage it then I agree with a pp that a downstairs loo/shower room would be a better investment, plus feel more like you were doing it for mutual benefit.

Agree, downstairs shower and loo- will improve value.

drusth · 11/05/2024 15:54

Absolutely not. My mum needs one in her own home and balks at it due to the space it takes etc. Installing it for a guest is madness.

Your dp stays over with her every week so she doesn’t need a stairlift.

DH can go visit her more if he wants.

Zanatdy · 11/05/2024 15:46

Absolutely not, for occasional visits. It will ruin your carpet and walls when taken out, need redecorating etc.

FoxyLocksie · 11/05/2024 15:45

GenerousGardener · 11/05/2024 08:16

When my MIL couldn’t manage my stairs anymore she just stopped visiting. We visited her more often. At Christmas we would book a restaurant or pub for Christmas dinner so that she could have access to a downstairs loo. All other family occasions were held this way unless we all decamped to her house, where DH and I did the catering and organising.

We did the same thing.

64zooooooolane · 11/05/2024 15:44

I really don't think this is needed. She doesn't live at your house and for the odd times she does comes over , im sorry she's just got to make do, ive never known anyone else that's had mobility issues to make this request to their kids. Usually once the mobility issues start everyone goes to visit said person in their home not start making adaptations to their own home for occasional visits. To me her asking this is the road to her moving in. I don't think you're being selfish. Your hubby spends one night a week with her and she comes to you as well like you said for the odd weekend, what more understanding from you do these ppl want? If you don't want it don't agree to it.

Sureaseggs44 · 11/05/2024 15:38

No . I would get a small lightweight wheel chair to take her to the downstairs toilet when needed and put some adaptations in there if needed .

Swipe left for the next trending thread