A bit of a long one!
My lovely Mum passed away nearly 18 months ago after a short illness. This left my Dad and I devastated and it's been a hard time.
My Dad is 64, self employed and works tremendously hard in quite a manual job. He's looking to wind down and retire soon. He's had to adapt massively since Mum passed as they had a very traditional set up (he looked after finances and bills but knew NOTHING about cooking, cleaning, general housekeeping etc) so it's been quite a shock for him. I've helped him a lot along the way but I (30f) live 100 miles away so I'm not able to easily pop by and help out. Though I suspect if I did live nearer I'd be doing everything for him. I'm an only child. Dad has other family nearby but they're not close. I bought my home with my partner just before my Mum got ill and my career means I need to be near the city. I love my Dad but he's very stubborn and set in his ways.
Dad's feeding himself, keeping on top of washing and managing to get a hoover around now and again great. He can even change the bedding which was a MASSIVE debacle. I'm proud of him for that. So yes, the important things are getting done.
However my Dad is incredibly messy and untidy. Given his job the table and hallway are always full of tools. He struggles to find things as every surface is covered in stuff, tools, junk mail, litter and dust. Imagine a teenage boy's room but its the whole house. Not quite a hoarder but lots of 'doom' piles around the house. I think part of it is a scarcity mindset as he grew up with nothing? His bedroom is pretty disgusting, his floor is covered in (clean) clothes, coathangers and his office is a mass of paperwork and receipts that I regularly have to sort for his business. I just worry that as he gets older and less able this will only get worse. Especially if I have kids and am less available. My Mum was very houseproud and 'contained' his mess to an extent but she found it hard to live with as well. Now she's gone, there's no buffer there. She actually told him when she got ill that he needed to take pride in his home.
I don't enjoy visiting at all as I find the house unpleasant. I go every 4-6 weeks usually for a weekend and usually spend most of my time cleaning, tidying or sorting out his business admin and not actually spending time with HIM. He's grateful and doesn't ask me to do stuff apart from help with paperwork but it's exhausting and I feel resentful now, nevermind what things might be like in the future. And then when I visit again, the house is a state again.
I've suggested him getting a cleaner to do a deep clean every so often and he just tops it up but he was dismissive of that and think saw it as a attack that he wasn't coping.
Occasionally I've thought "not my circus not my monkeys" - he's 64, not 84 and I'm not his maid and need my boundaries. I want to lead my own life too. But it's hard to see your Dad live like that.
I understand I might sound harsh as he's a grieving widower but I'm a grieving daughter too and feel more like the responsible adult here.
What would you suggest?