Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Widowed Mum - Setting Boundaries

83 replies

nadia2024 · 24/04/2024 23:41

Hi

I'm a 45 year old woman in a relationship of 12 years. My mum lost my Dad over 4 years ago, quite suddenly. It was not long after they both relocated to be nearer to me and my partner. It was a shock for my Mum for his sudden passing. They did everything together. It was heart breaking for Mum, naturally. She moved here, not only for them to be closer to us, but also for my Dad to see new things with her together. He was getting a bit depressed, so was looking forward to seeing new things together.

Mum is naturally lost without him. She grieved quite privately all through the immediate lockdown just after he'd past, but refused to stay with us and I respected that. I did, however, go to do her shopping and sat outside in her garden whilst i talked to her through the door. She did, however, stay with us for the second lockdown, which of course we wanted for her.

It has been four years now. I go to visit my mum every Wednesday I have off from work. I also have her over my house every weekend from Friday evening to Monday morning. My partner is extremely patient, kind and welcoming to her.

When she comes around, at times she can be nice and courteous, but sometimes she says things that can be a little rude and nasty. Mainly flippant comments. She will sometimes critise the things I do, or she will do it better, or just give unsolicited advice. To take for example, to do with washing dishes. She doesn't understand why I don't use the washing bowl in the sink. I explained that I can't fit everything in there and that i'm happy as it is, but she still did it. She also has changed the toilet roll around to the way she likes it. I just put it back, then she does it again. I do understand that this behaviour is coming from a place of trying to find her place within our family dynamic, but it's getting a little exhausting.

My partner and my mum have always shared some light hearted banter, but recently she has been saying quite snide comments. A couple of weeks ago it was about my partners lack of DIY skills, another time 'he watches too much football', and 'he should go in the other room'. She will make remarks on the tv about people, about the way they dress, or how they speak in a derogatory manner.

I don't recall my Mum being like this when she was younger, and I wonder if it's an age thing, or something else. To do with the constant advice giving, I know she did like to micro manage my father, so in replacement I presume she's doing that.

As it's been four years, and we have given Mum lots of care and attention, we feel that we should scale back the amount of time Mum spends at ours. We have tried to encourage her to join a group, to meet new people. My mum's excuses have been numerous. The most recent response when I tried to encourage her to go to a coffee morning was 'I don't want anyone taking over my life?' When I suggest her to perhaps find a new thing she'd like to do she says that 'she's not interested in anything'. If I push any more, she gets moody and says 'I will do things in my own time'. When I've said my partner and I are going to learn archery she replied she'd love to go, to which she did. We feel like we are baby sitting her and are a bit exacerbated by it all.

We are going to ask her if she could come on a Saturday morning and stay till Sunday evening, as the days are getting longer (she won't drive at night)

I will still see her on a Wednesday afternoon still, but I can't help feeling guilty with this reduction in the weekend. She does visit my aunt who relocated to where I live from Spain a couple of years ago on a Tuesday, or vise versa. I just can't seem to try to get her carve herself a bit more of a social life for herself. It hurts to think she is maybe sitting alone on a Friday night.

I guess I'm on here trying to find out if I'm being a bad daughter. I'd like advice on how to deal with her inflammatory remarks to my partner.

Thank you for reading this very long message. Hopefully you got to the end and have some pearls of wisdom

Best Wishes

Nadia

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 25/04/2024 01:43

My Grandad was the same after my Nan died, my mum used to call every day on her way home from work & on a Saturday morning her & my Dad went & cleaned then brought him home for dinner & tea, then on a Sunday they picked him up mid morning & took home home after tea. It got to the stage that our home didn't feel like home, Grandad dictated which chair he sat in, had full control of the television, he would either turn over or turn it off even if we were watching something, we had to sit in silence if the news was on. I used to escape to the pub just to keep out of the way, I practically spent the whole weekend there. My Dad got so fed up that he told my Mum he was leaving as he felt like he no longer had a home, he was working all week & had no time to relax at weekends due to my Grandad, had he gone, I would have gone with him. In the end he only came for Saturday dinnertime & was taken home mid afternoon.

JeepSleeHack · 25/04/2024 01:38

I think you have two separate issues here - frustration sometimes with things your mum says, and separately, how much time she spends with you.

I think it’s important to separate them in your own head. It’s ok to get annoyed by stuff she says and does - that’s normal!

Even if your mum was the most perfect fun company in the world, her spending that much time with you isn’t ideal for you, or her, or your marriage.

You say that you worry about her being on her own on a Friday night. That’s really the heart of it, you are placing limitless demands on yourself. You will never meet your own expectations. You can’t fix the situation she finds herself in. You need to get comfortable with that.

If this carries on, you will start resenting her. It’s already started a bit. That resentment will hurt your relationship in the long run. It won’t be good for either of you.

In terms of practical strategies, I would try to start to drop a bit here and there, on an ad hoc basis, to get yourself comfortable with knowing it’s okay for her to be on her own.

Encouraging her to do stuff on her own clearly isn’t working. So I think @HidingFromDD ‘s suggestion of accompanying her to stuff is a good one. Think about her interests and find out what there is in the area and just take her. And don’t expect her to love it at first. It may be a slow burn.

Fluffywigg · 25/04/2024 01:18

You and your partner have the patience of saints. Every weekend Friday-Monday? That’s incredibly generous of you both.

Sje should be taking the initiative and step back herself but it sounds like she’s got other ideas. Friday - Morning once a month would be much more reasonable.

HidingFromDD · 25/04/2024 01:11

How old is your mum - 60s or 80s, as it’s not clear. Either way you need more time on your own but I’d approach it differently. 60s needs some tough love. She needs to make friends and a life for herself in the area she’s in, but won’t feel the need if you’re constantly there for her. I’d suggest cutting the weekends down to every other week tbh. She needs time to look for other forms of social connection.

80s is a bit different depending on health needs. I’d look at things she can do and see if I could accompany her in the first instance so she gets comfortable and gradually remove yourself. I also think that you should cut weekends down to late Saturday though to Sunday lunch or Friday through to Saturday afternoon latest. You need at least one day a week for you and partner.

speaking as a 60 year old with adult children

VWT5 · 25/04/2024 00:51

You sound like a lovely daughter and have been going above and beyond.
Yes to more boundaries.
Could you reduce to alternate weekends initially - “DH is taking me away for anniversary / treat / concert/visit friends / event” etc.
It will be better for your DM and her independence going forwards.
If she criticised my DH I would pull her up on that - “DH won’t take kindly to you criticising him and in his own home, I don’t like that either”

(I write this very kindly and as someone of your DM’s age and similarly widowed)

Tourmalines · 25/04/2024 00:35

No, you are not being a bad daughter. As a matter of fact , you are the opposite. She is at your house every weekend which I think is a bit too much . I certainly would not want to impose that much on my son and dil if I was in your mums shoes . You need some breathing space too and your partner has so much patience he sounds like a saint . We all have our habits and techniques of how we run our household and she is not respecting your way which would be annoying but I don’t know what else you can say to her . I can’t offer any advice really but you sound like a wonderful daughter.

Swanbeauty · 25/04/2024 00:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

ShrubRose · 24/04/2024 23:54

Of course you're not being a bad daughter, OP.

I'm not sure I have advice on how to deal with her unpleasantness to your partner, but your post set off a few alarms for me.
You say this behaviour is new for her. Are there any other changed behaviours, such as forgetting familiar names, trouble retrieving the words she wants, basically any cognitive changes? When was the last time she was in to see the GP?

Forgive me if I'm way off-base here, but the fact that these behaviours are new for her seems concerning.

Swipe left for the next trending thread