Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Widowed Mum - Setting Boundaries

83 replies

nadia2024 · 24/04/2024 23:41

Hi

I'm a 45 year old woman in a relationship of 12 years. My mum lost my Dad over 4 years ago, quite suddenly. It was not long after they both relocated to be nearer to me and my partner. It was a shock for my Mum for his sudden passing. They did everything together. It was heart breaking for Mum, naturally. She moved here, not only for them to be closer to us, but also for my Dad to see new things with her together. He was getting a bit depressed, so was looking forward to seeing new things together.

Mum is naturally lost without him. She grieved quite privately all through the immediate lockdown just after he'd past, but refused to stay with us and I respected that. I did, however, go to do her shopping and sat outside in her garden whilst i talked to her through the door. She did, however, stay with us for the second lockdown, which of course we wanted for her.

It has been four years now. I go to visit my mum every Wednesday I have off from work. I also have her over my house every weekend from Friday evening to Monday morning. My partner is extremely patient, kind and welcoming to her.

When she comes around, at times she can be nice and courteous, but sometimes she says things that can be a little rude and nasty. Mainly flippant comments. She will sometimes critise the things I do, or she will do it better, or just give unsolicited advice. To take for example, to do with washing dishes. She doesn't understand why I don't use the washing bowl in the sink. I explained that I can't fit everything in there and that i'm happy as it is, but she still did it. She also has changed the toilet roll around to the way she likes it. I just put it back, then she does it again. I do understand that this behaviour is coming from a place of trying to find her place within our family dynamic, but it's getting a little exhausting.

My partner and my mum have always shared some light hearted banter, but recently she has been saying quite snide comments. A couple of weeks ago it was about my partners lack of DIY skills, another time 'he watches too much football', and 'he should go in the other room'. She will make remarks on the tv about people, about the way they dress, or how they speak in a derogatory manner.

I don't recall my Mum being like this when she was younger, and I wonder if it's an age thing, or something else. To do with the constant advice giving, I know she did like to micro manage my father, so in replacement I presume she's doing that.

As it's been four years, and we have given Mum lots of care and attention, we feel that we should scale back the amount of time Mum spends at ours. We have tried to encourage her to join a group, to meet new people. My mum's excuses have been numerous. The most recent response when I tried to encourage her to go to a coffee morning was 'I don't want anyone taking over my life?' When I suggest her to perhaps find a new thing she'd like to do she says that 'she's not interested in anything'. If I push any more, she gets moody and says 'I will do things in my own time'. When I've said my partner and I are going to learn archery she replied she'd love to go, to which she did. We feel like we are baby sitting her and are a bit exacerbated by it all.

We are going to ask her if she could come on a Saturday morning and stay till Sunday evening, as the days are getting longer (she won't drive at night)

I will still see her on a Wednesday afternoon still, but I can't help feeling guilty with this reduction in the weekend. She does visit my aunt who relocated to where I live from Spain a couple of years ago on a Tuesday, or vise versa. I just can't seem to try to get her carve herself a bit more of a social life for herself. It hurts to think she is maybe sitting alone on a Friday night.

I guess I'm on here trying to find out if I'm being a bad daughter. I'd like advice on how to deal with her inflammatory remarks to my partner.

Thank you for reading this very long message. Hopefully you got to the end and have some pearls of wisdom

Best Wishes

Nadia

OP posts:
Freckles81 · 26/04/2024 12:29

MichaelatheMechanic · 26/04/2024 09:34

Another thing to remember is that it is not your job to fix the loneliness problem. Don't do what me and my brother did and spend hours searching and discussing clubs and coffee mornings because it will very likely be a huge waste of your time. If you spot something suitable when you're looking at a noticeboard, take a photo and pass it on to her. It is then up to her to make plans and get involved. Make it clear that the onus is on her to get involved.
Unless your Mum is incapacitated in some way, there will be no valid reason why she cannot do this.

I went off to University with zero support from my parents. In three years, my Mum visited on her own twice. I bought my first property on my own and lived there for six or so years. My Dad visited once and my Mum visited no more than five times. I had a few periods that were very difficult but my Mum and Dad never knew because they never really cared enough to ask and would never have done anything anyway. I could have done with a bit more support but, to be honest, grown adults of sound mind do not need others to tell them what to do or organise their social lives! That doesn't matter if you are 26 or 76!

Mel Robbins posted this great video the other day which is definitely worth a watch. It just helps put it all in perspective.

Loved that video- thank you!

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 26/04/2024 11:50

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:12

I'm the mother in this situation, although my DC are young adults.

It is incredibly hard to build a new life for yourself and it will be harder for her if she's in a new place. That said all our "couple" friends have disappeared and I've had to make new friends anyway.

My elder son was in his first serious realtionship when DH died, and that was very hard for me, seeing him pull away from me, just as I needed him most, but I was always very aware to let them live their lives. It's lovely when they do give me their time, but I try not to feel entitled to it. That's not always easy though.

I think you have to talk to her, not about the criticisms, but about letting you have your life. She's genuinely trying to help/worried for you and she could well be right, you do see things differently from outside and as a mother. Maybe DP does watch too much football etc?

All the things you've suggested, joining groups etc have really helped me, but sometimes all the new people are overwhelming and I need some time with my "safe" people, or I'm learning to enjoy the freedom that comes with just going and doing things on your own.

Start being busy on some of the weekends so she has to spend time alone. Thats scary if she hasn't done it before, but very worthwhile.

Sorry but "maybe dp does watch too much football etc?" By who's standards? Even if op's dm thinks that or similar about other issues it is not her place to make comment in her daughter's home! The very home she is kindly invited into weekly, by her daughter at the cost of her daughter's freedom and space! Dm needs to accept she is responsible for herself, be grateful for the kindness and thought she is given and keep schtum with any criticism, imo.

MichaelatheMechanic · 26/04/2024 09:34

Another thing to remember is that it is not your job to fix the loneliness problem. Don't do what me and my brother did and spend hours searching and discussing clubs and coffee mornings because it will very likely be a huge waste of your time. If you spot something suitable when you're looking at a noticeboard, take a photo and pass it on to her. It is then up to her to make plans and get involved. Make it clear that the onus is on her to get involved.
Unless your Mum is incapacitated in some way, there will be no valid reason why she cannot do this.

I went off to University with zero support from my parents. In three years, my Mum visited on her own twice. I bought my first property on my own and lived there for six or so years. My Dad visited once and my Mum visited no more than five times. I had a few periods that were very difficult but my Mum and Dad never knew because they never really cared enough to ask and would never have done anything anyway. I could have done with a bit more support but, to be honest, grown adults of sound mind do not need others to tell them what to do or organise their social lives! That doesn't matter if you are 26 or 76!

Mel Robbins posted this great video the other day which is definitely worth a watch. It just helps put it all in perspective.

No One Is Coming (It's Up To YOU)

Ready to level up your life!? 🌟 https://bit.ly/2024_launch 👈 Join my 6-month coaching program, Launch with Mel Robbins. You. Me. Six months. That’s all you...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAXgU-fcr-Q

BeaRF75 · 26/04/2024 08:18

Every weekend is ridiculous - one afternoon a week is more than enough. Your mother is responsible for her own happiness, and this is not your job. As suggested, start going away more and doing other things at weekends. You need to develop your own activities and interests away from your mother, otherwise you risk history repeating when you yourself might be alone and isolated.

Weighnow · 26/04/2024 08:12

I'm the mother in this situation, although my DC are young adults.

It is incredibly hard to build a new life for yourself and it will be harder for her if she's in a new place. That said all our "couple" friends have disappeared and I've had to make new friends anyway.

My elder son was in his first serious realtionship when DH died, and that was very hard for me, seeing him pull away from me, just as I needed him most, but I was always very aware to let them live their lives. It's lovely when they do give me their time, but I try not to feel entitled to it. That's not always easy though.

I think you have to talk to her, not about the criticisms, but about letting you have your life. She's genuinely trying to help/worried for you and she could well be right, you do see things differently from outside and as a mother. Maybe DP does watch too much football etc?

All the things you've suggested, joining groups etc have really helped me, but sometimes all the new people are overwhelming and I need some time with my "safe" people, or I'm learning to enjoy the freedom that comes with just going and doing things on your own.

Start being busy on some of the weekends so she has to spend time alone. Thats scary if she hasn't done it before, but very worthwhile.

user33992020 · 26/04/2024 08:01

Well done OP!

Tough love and all that. I have hope she will carve out some independence through this extra time, and reflect and go out to clubs, learn a new hobby, etc.

She might, or she might not. But end of the day, she's an adult and it's her choice to make. My nan was like this- I used to go and see her a lot or bring her to my house but she was constantly saying she was lonely. Literally every suggestion was shot down.

Eg. "nan, why dont you join the local church- you have a faith and they're really friendly and they have a lift rota to help people get there"- her answer was no, because the vicar had never personally called round to her house. She expected the vicar to call in at every single house in the area to introduce himself LOL. Even if he had, I am sure there would have been another excuse.

It was a shame but she was sabotaging herself and we all have to take responsibility for our lives and we cant expect everyone else to live our lives for us. You are a great daughter and you deserve some time to unwind - we all do, it's imperative to look after ourselves in order for us to support others. You cannot give from an empty cup!

KomodoOhno · 26/04/2024 03:52

You are not a bad daughter. For me it was my mother who passed. I sacrificed so much and inside was so resentful. I have no advice but if i could have done things differently I would have set boundaries.

Tourmalines · 26/04/2024 02:47

Great news🌹

ElasticElsa · 26/04/2024 01:56

Make it a routine to watch Gogglebox after lunch on a Sunday.
Well done OP, you are still doing a great deal having her on Sunday and seeing her on Wednesday afternoons. You are an exceptional daughter.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 26/04/2024 01:38

Well done, sounds like progress. Don't relent though and go back to how it was, for the sake of your marriage you need time for you and your (extremely kind!) dh. Good luck to you x

Tumbler2121 · 26/04/2024 01:25

Well done on making the changes. I notice you mentioned gogglebox is on a Friday .. if she doesn’t already have a smart TV it could be worth her getting one, then she won’t be tied to tv schedules and will have access to lots of films etc…. may even become an avid Tik Tok viewer!

Hmmmbetterchangethis · 26/04/2024 01:14

My MIL won’t join any coffee mornings, the WI, etc etc. she says they’re ‘full of old people’ and even though she’s in her 80’s, she’s ‘with it’, therefore she wouldn’t enjoy their company, hence she’ll only do things with her adult children.
I just tend to stick to my normal routine and remind her there’s lots of things to do in her local area if she just got out and did them……….

MariaLuna · 26/04/2024 00:30

I have hope she will carve out some independence through this extra time, and reflect and go out to clubs, learn a new hobby, etc.

She won't though, if she never did it before....

Your husband sounds like a saint.

Wishing you all the best OP. Aging parents are so hard to deal with....

Original poster
nadia2024 · 26/04/2024 00:10

Okay, so we took the brave step and it was my partner in fact that brought it up to her, which wasn't quite planned like that, but I was in the bathroom, so the conversation had been all sorted by the time I was back in the room! My partner was trying to save me having to feel all this guilt as I said to her about the scale back. I think to be honest, she seemed to take it a lot better because it was my partner who said that I needed a bit of downtime at the weekend, as I'm getting a bit frazzled with work and need to have some time out. She agreed, and even though my partner said to scale it back to one night stay instead of three, she suggested to come over on Sunday this week and then go home after dinner. I couldn't quite believe it. I don't think she'll do it every week to start with, but I'll take that step once she's got used to this. I live in hope she decides she has had enough of staying in and not wanting to do anything but clean, and go and find a social group or class, as it'll be good for her well being and independence. I expect a little mention here and there about being 'bored stiff' or 'i can't go round aimlessly around the shops on my own' or 'I enjoy gogglebox better when I'm with you because it's not as nice with laughing with you' - that's a heart tugger tbh (it's on on a friday!) I will continue seeing her in the week to have an outing if she wishes, and I will have to stop myself from this guilt I have over her being on her own. I've realised I am enabling her. I have plans to scale the one night stay at the weekend to coming over for dinner for a few hours on the weekend, but it's a step forward.

Although my partner has always been welcoming to her, when she was absolutely fine with it, I think he thought why have we not done this before.

It sounds awful, but after she left my partner literally threw his arms up in the air and shouted 'freedom'! It must of been really awkward for him due to it being my mum and not wanting to sound like he didn't like her.

Tough love and all that. I have hope she will carve out some independence through this extra time, and reflect and go out to clubs, learn a new hobby, etc.

Once again, thank you so much for your kind words and advice, it is very much appreciated
xx

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 25/04/2024 21:58

Good luck OP!

How old is she? And how fit and able to do things for herself? You said she's still driving so presumably reasonably independent.

fromaytobe · 25/04/2024 15:14

MichaelatheMechanic · 25/04/2024 15:03

I'm assuming she is living independently? If so, she is spending far too much time at yours. It is your house. Your DM does not call the shots or dictate which way around the toilet roll sits.

Please put in boundaries about what you are prepared to offer her in terms of your time because this situation will only get worse as she ages.

If she complains that she is lonely but does nothing to help herself (even with suggestions and prompts from you) that's tough and it is not your problem to solve. You are really going to have to harden your heart a bit otherwise she will run you ragged.

Elderly parents = marathon not a sprint

I agree with this, she is starting to treat your home as an extension of her own.

flippingflips · 25/04/2024 15:06

I don't know how your partner puts up with this? Every weekend your mother is staying in your house with both of you. That's a huge imposition.

MichaelatheMechanic · 25/04/2024 15:03

I'm assuming she is living independently? If so, she is spending far too much time at yours. It is your house. Your DM does not call the shots or dictate which way around the toilet roll sits.

Please put in boundaries about what you are prepared to offer her in terms of your time because this situation will only get worse as she ages.

If she complains that she is lonely but does nothing to help herself (even with suggestions and prompts from you) that's tough and it is not your problem to solve. You are really going to have to harden your heart a bit otherwise she will run you ragged.

Elderly parents = marathon not a sprint

Swanbeauty · 25/04/2024 09:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Original poster
nadia2024 · 25/04/2024 09:25

Not sure how I reply to everyone individually so I’ll do it here. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and give your advice. I’m a bit nervous today as she’s in later tonight. After taking in all your advice I’ve decided to have a conversation I don’t want to have. However, it’s something myself and my DH need for our relationship. It’s not fair on my partner and remarks like she has been giving seems too much familiarity is becoming toxic for our relationship as a mum and daughter and myself and my partners. I’ve been enabling her to be dependant on us, and that’s my fault so I feel bad for that. I also relate to your own experiences and will learn from that too. I just hope I’m not going to receive a bad reaction from her, but inevitably it’s a conversation I need to have. We’re going to initially scale back to the Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening now the daylight is getting longer, then every other weekend after a few weeks. Fingers crossed this goes ok!! I do feel it shouldn’t be met with her storming off as many of you say, it should really be something she should be suggesting to us x

OP posts:
Knotaknitter · 25/04/2024 09:07

Been there, done that with the weekends and if I could do it all again I wouldn't. The weekends she spends with you is time where she's not out entertaining herself, making a new social network, doing her own thing. She's living your life. not hers. It seems the kindest thing to do but in the long term it isn't. If she spends the weekend bored rigid then that's her choice, she could have gone to the library, a book group, garden centre. Perhaps a dose of boredom might encourage her to get out and find something that interests her.

The longer it goes on for, the harder it is to stop. Do you want to be doing this in twenty years? (I did, don't be me) Mum had done everything with Dad and was unwilling or unable to do anything by herself. I made a list of dozens of groups that met locally to her. offered to take her to a few meetings but no, all she wanted was me. I wish that I'd been less obliging at the beginning and put my needs above hers. It would have been harder for both of us in the short term but better for both of us in the long term.

DobbyTheHouseElk · 25/04/2024 08:00

I have a similar situation and I really feel for you.

Mum definitely micromanaged Dad. Constant little corrections, he used to pretend not to hear her and let her chatter away.

Since Dad has gone she is constantly correcting my children, my DH and I. It’s really hard. Constantly micromanaging how we sit, how we eat the list goes on.

I think it’s a form of anxiety and driven by a lack of control. All I can do is offer sympathy and support. 💐💐

EmotionalBlackmail · 25/04/2024 07:51

Goodness, that's a huge amount you're doing. At about this point after mine was widowed I moved five hours away and only saw her a handful of times a year!

I'm not suggesting you go to this extreme(!) but having her to stay every weekend AND seeing her in the week seems excessive (or is she very elderly and struggling to do shopping etc?). When do you do things you want to do, on your own or with your husband? It strikes me that neither of you have any free time when you're not working or got your mum there! What do you do about going on holiday?

I'd start by gently reducing the weekends down to once or twice a month. Maybe have a weekend away, or invite friends over, or go on a mad DIY spree or something to start it off?

And I wouldn't tolerate negative comments about your ways of doing things or your DH. That's when I drew the mine with my DM after I caught her making awful negative comments about my amazing DH.

It will be hard, it's easier for her to come to you but you're actually helping her to have more company, mix with more people and therefore access a wider range of support.

Fluffywigg · 25/04/2024 07:00

I’ve already replied but wanted to add, I think she’s being selfish, because it’s really not fair on you DP to have to be at work all week and share his house and down time on a weekend with your mam - Every weekend.

You feel bad as you don’t want her to feel lonely, but she’s more than happy to take advantage of the situation because it suits her. Most mothers would (I imagine) acknowledge that it’s not fair on their adult DC to expect them to entertain them all weekend etc and would decline the offer (it’s hardly going to do anyone’s marriage any favours…)

Good luck

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 25/04/2024 02:26

I think you are doing far too much and, whilst we'll intentioned, you are actually stopping her from helping herself in the longer term. I'd also be concerned about the impact of her dependence and how this could impact your dh, he must feel caught between a rock and a hard place and I'm not sure you're being fair expecting to him to accommodate her on all his time off in the week. I'd start gently scaling back and being more 'busy' yourself with other commitments, gently nudging her to make her own life. You're very kind but it sounds like it's at a cost to you now.

Swipe left for the next trending thread