Widowed Mum - Setting Boundaries

This can be so hard OP, I know because I have been there. A few thoughts though: your Mum doesn't have to do anything else at the weekend, she can just be at home by herself. I would book a weekend away for you and DH if you can and tell her you're going - but don't let her muscle in (like you did the archery!) Say to her clearly "No mum, DH and I want to spend some time together with just us". She may start to get the message. Take other opportunities to reinforce that you and DH and doing something just with the 2 of you. If she complains she is lonely ask her what else she'd like to do - that may be the time to suggest other activities if she won't do anything now.

My Mum would also snidely criticise my DH at times (usually around he should dress better, he should get up earlier on his day off, he should do more gardening). When this got a bit too much I was pretty sharp with her and said something along the lines of "Please don't criticise DH in any way, he is very good to me and I really appreciate him" or "Don't talk about DH like that, don't think you can criticise him to me because I won't have it". This did stop her.

We used to have mum over on Sundays every Sunday. Several times during the week I would meet her for lunch or DH and I would take her out shopping or for the evening. She suddenly it seemed became unpleasant making comment uncalled for comments. We discovered she had some short term memory loss and was talking a lot a out her childhood. Yes she had
alzheimer's disease. It was very sad but a relief to know it was not my mum. The lock down accelerated the disease and we lost her 💔. Get your mum checked out.

Also volunteering where the volunteer demographic is varied if you don't want to be stuck with the oldies who are fixated on their woes.

Difficulty making friends isn't a preserve of the old. Look at the number of women on here who are working full time with teenage chidlren and older parents. How many of them are saying their friendships have waned due to lack of time and energy?

With friendships, it is good to adopt the mindset that it is continual process. Friends don't always last forever. People lose interest, get busy, move away, die (god forbid), etc. That's why it's so important to keep putting yourself out there.

I also think group activities like hobby groups, WI and Day Centres are great because you just pitch up and join in. If someone chooses not to go or give up you're not directly affected as that's their choice.

Nothing's exactly wrong with it, and I do meet people like me. But I don't just want to meet people like me. And I'm sorry to say it, but I'm finding that it's very difficult to get conversation with a lot of my peers away from their worries about their aging parents/their adult kids/ their health etc etc. And I don't want to talk about my loss (which isn't massively recent) or theirs. I also miss chatting with the male halves of couples.

I crave cheerful, positive and interesting conversation, and meeting and chatting with younger people is generally much more stimulating and upbeat*.

• Obviously NAOP and NAYP

Well done OP. I hope your mum allows herself to live a little and move forward and you do the same this change will ultimately benefit you all.

Unfortunately both my mum and MIL both in 80’s are still heavily dependent on adult children for all social and any entertainment.

My DM has my brother living with her expects everyone to visit her. She is pleasant company she complains its long days keeping herself busy while DB works part time for 4 hours 4 days a week!! She complains she hasn’t seen anyone and hasn’t done anything but knocks back almost all offers and suggestions.

MIL goes to SIL’s house practically in the same way as your DM does Friday tea time until either Sunday afternoon or evening or Monday morning 95% of the time unless they are on holiday abroard. SIL’s partner has the patience of a saint. MIL moans if they go out together on a country walk for a few hours or if they get her an M&S meal very occasionally and go out for an anniversary or valentines its not healthy but hard to break as its been going on for almost 6 years and MIL’s health is declining now mid 80’s. She is very lucky to have this arrangement but never sounds very appreciative of it.

Just read your update after posting, I'm glad the chat went well. Hopefully going forward things will become easier.

It sounds like you have gone above and beyond for your mum, but it does seem that she is using you as a crutch and it's become a hindrance to her gaining her independence. My mum lost my dad not long before covid and it was hard on her. I have tried to be there for her as much as I can and in the beginning we spent a lot of time together. Over lockdown I would visit in the garden and do shopping too. In our case we never had space for her to move in with us, we also have kids. As time has gone on we still see my mum regularly, but we don't have any set arrangements every weekend with her. You need a life of your own too, so perhaps it would be a good idea to slowly become a bit more busy. Plan things with friends on the weekends. It may seem unkind, but if she doesn't have you as a crutch she may find things to do herself on the weekend. Because we are busy with kid stuff and general life, my mum has been pushed in a way to get out there and make friends. She has connected with a few who have also lost husbands and so they understand each other. They can help her in ways that I can't. When we were seeing a lot of my mum our relationship felt strained as she can be critical and judgemental. I feel our relationship is better with a little bit of distance.

@saraclara what's wrong with meeting new friends who are in a similar life position to you? Don't you think you are more likely to bond with people who understand your loss and who have the same free time that you do? You might be missing out on some really interesting and nice people. It honestly doesn't make sense to me to be lonely if you have options.

OP, well done on making the change. The tough bit will be sticking to it when the novelty wears off and your mum thinks you've had enough time to get over being frazzled and gradually tries to increase visits.
Remember that you owe it to yourself and your partner to persist. I'm assuming no children, so please take this time to have some weekends away and build your lives together again. You would hate to be looking back at your life and regretting all the stuff you didn't do because your mum selfishly took over your life!

You are not a bad daughter, you see your mum most than most and having her stay all weekend is above and beyond imo.

My nan is quite elderly now and she is lovely with people she doesn't see as much, like myself. But my mum, her daughter used to go round everyday after work and have a cup of tea with her and she used to get used to it, then get snappy and short if she couldn't one day and would be snappy with other things with my mum. It was almost like she would take those closest for granted, and we have to let it go over our heads unless we want an argument and a falling out.

A few years ago my mum had to move to about 3hr drive away and my auntie became the person my nan saw most and now the snappiness has switched to my auntie and she is fine with my mum when she visits and appreciates her more.

I think old people get stuck in a rutt and their ways, don't like change.

I think cutting the weekend you spend with her down a bit will benefit you all. You could do one day then the second to make it gradually if easier. Personally rather than having her Saturday and Sunday I think I would let her still come Friday PM to Saturday PM or Sunday AM to Monday AM, then you and your partner would get a whole weekend day to spend together alone doing your activities etc

Won't comment on the rest but I found out some time after my dad died that there was always this thing between my parents about the toilet roll. One wanted it over and the other (mom) wanted it under. Only found out be accident when I was visiting and I "corrected" how it had been done which got my mom quite upset.

Such a minor thing but major in her life.

It is incredibly hard to build a new life for yourself and it will be harder for her if she's in a new place. That said all our "couple" friends have disappeared and I've had to make new friends anyway.

I totally identify with that. For the first year after my husband died, friends were great. But then the couples basically disappeared. It started with the male halves 'having jobs to do' so that meet ups ended up only being with the female half. Then they disappeared too. I only have one friend couple left.
The trouble is that I don't want to end up with new friends and contactd who are basically me. Widowed women and of a certain age. But they're the people who go to the places where I attempt to meet new people. Ah well.

But yep, I have to work hard at not being too needy with my DDs. But I count myself very lucky that I mostly get to see one or both of them for atb least a couple of hours each week. I think any more than that as a regular thing (we do have the occasional full day when I invite the whole family round for a meal) is more than enough to expect.

Taking up their whole weekend plus another evening would be massively greedy. Am I lonely? Yes, more so than they realise. But it's not their problem to solve.

Maybe you could encourage her to try some Volunteering work- it would give her a bit of something to focus on plus meet some new people and form new friendships.
I've been doing this for a year now and it's absolutely changed my life.

No words on how to do this. But cut back, having witnessed my ex partners mum go through it for 10 years, then previous to that I think around 15-20 you need to break the cycle. She didn’t and my god it looked exhausting. “No one cared” about her if she was on her own for a day at the weekend or visited enough times in the week. she couldn’t catch a break, Sunday dinner every weekend or she would get a comment for not caring. Made to feel guilty if she couldn’t make it over, we had to have a schedule of who would visit while her and her husband were away. She refused to go to clubs or activities and relied solely on family to keep her entertained it was honestly relentless. We escaped most of the guilt tripping as he was a boy and obviously golden child who could turn up whenever and it was like a little prince had arrived 😂

Somebody very kindly gave me the best advice when my dad passed. She said ‘don’t make regular plans with your mum because they set it in stone’! And I will be forever grateful as it’s true…. If they come for dinner every Sunday , that’s it, you will never have a Sunday off because they will be there! Change things around. Go out with DP, randomly, unplanned! Or planned! It’s your life and you have to set boundaries that are sustainable

Difficult op. We had to take a step back as she got quite controlling (82). Kinda feel Im 15 again listening to her. We dont do overnights. Call where we can. I felt drained from her mentally so just one visit week its plenty.

I'd break the routine by telling her hubby has booked a romantic weekend away. If she blatantly ignores the romantic word and invites herself you have every right to say no. Don't be taken advantage off and defiantly don't stand by whilst she insults your partner. Going forwards I'd have her over every other weekend max at this rate you may qualify for carers allowance

Gosh evert weekend is a LOT. When do you have time to yourselves as a couple?

I'd start going away for a few weekends and be tough if she suggests coming along.

Add in a 'oh we're busy this Saturday - why not come for Sunday lunch instead? I'll run you home afterwards so you can have a glass of wine.'

I'm afraid you're going to have to be cruel to be kind.

You're most definitely NOT a bad daughter - most don't spend one day every week with their mum.

Well done for making the change! I think when parents lose a partner they can become dependent on adult children to fill the void. From mine & friends experiences you are not alone and don't be guilted. I care for my parent call several times a day and visit at least every 2nd day. They called my sibling to complain wasn't visiting daily & were shocked when sibling agreed 3/4 visits a week is realistic. I have explained have a life too including work, single parent to asn child, activities etc and parent has been offered lots of support from organisations, befrienders & charities. Unfortunately you can't force help on people and if your mum decides not to find her own interests she needs to accept you won't provide her full social life.

I think once a week, but alternate it one week Saturday and then the next week Sunday.

On the Saturdays you could do family fun things at home (baking, games, a movie ) and on the Sundays you could visit local attractions etc ?

That way, she'd still be coming every weekend - and you'd still have a day off every weekend, but it'd mix it up a bit.

Well done! Just watch out for the emotional blackmail now you have started setting some boundaries - see my username!

So don't try to "fix it" just try "oh dear, that must be hard"'if she says she's lonely. You sound sympathetic but you're not fixing it for her or going back on the boundary.

Another thing that helped me with boundary-setting was the realisation that I'd already wasted years running around after her, almost losing my career and prospects of a family in the process, and that I could carry on doing that, but what if I ended up widowed too and had missed out on all that time with DH because I was running around after my DM?! You can never get that time back with a spouse.

Yes, and this is exactly another reason why she should be doing as much as she can to interact socially with a wide range of people doing a wide range of activities.

Sitting at home alone staring at four walls while telling everyone who will listen you are lonely yet doing nothing to help yourself is a recipe for dementia.

Use it or lose it.

This type of behaviour in my mother was the start of cognitive decline. The rudeness and overstepping boundaries in your home. The fact that she agreed to scale back visits and then immediately went back on that is particularly a red flag for me. Like she can hear what you're saying but can't process how that applies to her. Memory problems and forgetting words was way later in the decline for my mother - rudeness, lack of social awareness/boundaries, self absorption were much earlier in the process. Watch out for odd obsessive behaviour (checking locks, hoarding food/household items - always tissues, kitchen roll and toilet roll for us, over-spending or penny-pinching). Also telling the same stories over and over - not necessarily on the same day, just generally conversation becoming more limited to a few set anecdotes and topics.

My mother's dementia was triggered by my father's death just before lockdown. Your description just really resonated with me. If I'd spotted it was dementia rather than rudeness I would have had a much better time, so just worth thinking about.

Me too, me too!! I am definitely at a crossroads and it is down to me to act. Think I will listen to this regularly.

It's very thought provoking, isn't it? Just need to act on my own advice!