Widowed Mum - Setting Boundaries

Well done!
You are a lovely daughter. And your partner is a saint!

Yes it is a very long op - bit you're just spending way too much time with your mother! Your partner must have the patience of a saint! Surely you can ALL see how stifling and unhealthy this is?

Why don’t you invite your aunt for Friday night dinners regularly so that becomes something both your Mum and aunt do. Having aunt there would change the dynamic. You could sometimes go to a local pub, and sometimes have them at your house. Sometimes the Friday night dinner could just be your Mum and aunt…

I think this is a good transitional step if you are feeling concerned or guilty about her being alone on Friday nights.

Can I just say I am the elderly parent whose daughter is always visiting me, and at times neglecting her friends.
i enjoy my own company , I don’t want to hurt her but I am happy to spend my day doing my own thing.
i can’t help doing things my way but I don’t mind if you do things your way.
i love her and I am happy to see her but not everyday
don’t feel guilty, it is my choice

I do think people can become quite selfish and because they are alone, they stop thinking/caring about the fact that other people who are still in relationships, need time just the two of them. Those same people would have gone bananas when they were younger, if their own parents/in-laws spent every weekend in their house!

Men don't get much credit in MN but one thing they seem to do, which women wouldn't, is tolerate their mil's presence in their home at inconvenient and frequent occasions. Sometimes even when mil is behaving quite badly.

You have been more than accommodating. And your partner is a better person than I would be! When my MIL was widowed I had a similar thing going on, her coming to ours every weekend, then for a week at Easter, three weeks at Christmas, it was too much, and I did give my husband an ultimatum, the visits need to be fewer or I won't be here when she is.
I appreciate as it's your mum it's more difficult, but it's not good for your mum being so reliant on you. She says she doesn't want anyone taking over her life, but she has no qualms about taking over yours! You need to be unavailable more often. If she invites herself to something you'd planned as a couples thing, you need to say no.
I'm intrigued as to how old she is as I'm nearly 60 and have a few friends widowed in their 50s and 60s who wouldn't dream of imposing on their adult children like this.

I understand you wanting to support her but having her with you every weekend has probably created this issue. She never had the opportunity to build a new way of living in her own home.

She needs to build a life outside of your home if her health allows - look for a local WI, U3A, Age Concern or church/faith group. They will be filled with older women in the same boat, looking to make friends. They will run clubs, talks, classes, lunch clubs, day trips etc etc to give her something to look forward to.

Of course you can continue to support her but new interests will take the pressure off, it sounds a bit much at the mo.

You are not a bad daughter. You and your DH have been a wonderful support to your Mum since she was widowed.
it’s perfectly reasonable for you to reduce the amount of time at weekends she spends at yours. You might have to be calm but firm with this. If needed you might have to tell a white lie about why you and DH want Friday night on your own ( yes yes I know the OP shouldn’t have to justify this !! ) or offer the choice of Saturday to Sunday or only every other weekend. Thought - could your Aunt meet her on Friday nights ? Or is Tuesday better. It’s about introducing the idea that your DM doesn’t have to be with you on Friday nights.
You are also right to want to encourage your Mum to develop her interests hobbies and social circle. My goodness, an absorbing or diverting hobby is priceless throughout life’s ups and downs. But be aware your mum may not want to commit to activities on as many days as you would think reasonable. There are also lots of simple hobbies eg crosswords, jigsaws, knitting, which can be done at home by oneself. Another option is to FaceTime another friend or family member for a chat at a regular time.
Good Luck OP and I hope you can emphasize to your mum how much you want to love and support her but also claim back a bit more time for yourself.

Wow! You are a great daughter but your poor DH......

My MIL was widowed a few years into our marriage, before we had DCs. She was in her 40s when she had DH so was nearly 80 then. She was still very active and mobile although doesn't drive and was of course desperately lonely. But she wouldn't have dreamed of 'inflicting' herself on us. Luckily she is 2 miles up the road and we see a lot of her, and when DCs came along she used to come with me to swimming or the supermarket, and out for lunch - we had a lot of fun when they were small. But having her in the house every weekend - OMG no!

And not because she isn't great, but your house is yours and your partners, and all couples need space.

She still comes for sunday lunch, and stays one night a year (Christmas) and we do as much as we can with her (she's now 96) but she has always been conscious about 'not being a nuisance' - bless her!

I know some cultures have a different approach and I totally respect that - but for me, having additional adults in the house would be very stressful. (And loo rolls have to go our way or not all......😄)

I hope you sort things out. Good luck!

Your mum is probably envious of you & your partner on the quiet, possibly still grieving for your dad. Yes she does need to make some friends & restart her life- I think she niggles at you because she is depressed, can you perhaps persuade her to visit her Gp.

Dementia comes to mind as I’m reading this

I am retired and live on my own. Sometimes it is not much fun, but honestly sitting alone on a Friday night is not the end of the world! You and your husband have been brilliant to entertain your mother for so long. But the time has definitely come for your mother to organise her own social life, and to find TV to watch on her own. Do a spot of research and find organisations like U3A, WI, book clubs, friends of …… various museums etc etc. There are masses of organisations aimed at retired people. There is no need for your mother to be bored or lonely. If she is, she only has herself to blame.

This. I'm also not medically qualified but it sounds as though your mum's behaviour has changed in a way that could be worrying. So I don't know how you coax her to address it and see someone but it would be good if you could. Also you've been doing way too much for her. If she is entirely dependent on you for company and social stimulation, won't she just age more quickly? I don't know how old/frail she is but given your age I guess she's in her 70s which is too young to be so dependent on other people.

My grandmother exhibited some of these behaviours. She had been in love with someone when she was younger but he had a heart attack and died. After that, she wouldn't have anything to do with men and showed contempt for them in general. I'm not sure why but it was very marked.

She also became quite deaf and so everything she said was at a very loud volume. This in itself was quite tiring to endure but she was also starting to develop dementia and she would make loud, unfiltered remarks about people who were passing her (their clothes, weight etc). It became exhausting as you never knew what she was going to say next or who might take offence.

My mother did everything she could for her but it was never enough. There were always complaints and I was never able to decide whether she was miserable being miserable or whether being so miserable (and inflicting it on everyone else) gave her a sense of satisfaction.

You sound very kind, and I've got to say that your partner sounds blimmin amazing.

Wow, you made a rod for your back. Because right now you're enabling her to be helpless and dependent.

Why on earth would she try new anxiety-inducing social things, when you're fulfilling all her needs?

Ever seen adult sea birds just push their offspring off the cliffs, because they just don't want to jump and learn to swim.

I think you should reduce time with mum to just Sunday lunch/Sunday afternoon.

Explain that you and husband need some couple time.

And find a walking group or over 50's exercise class for her to join. Because it's really unhealthy for her, just to be chatting to you alone. No wonder she's getting snipey. And regular exercise improves fitness and elevates mood.

Your mother doesn’t create her own life because she doesn’t have to; you’ve taken on the role. Let her figure out her own weekend activities. Maybe continue the Wednesdays, and change the weekends to a Saturday or Sunday brunch. I wouldn’t have her stay over at all unless she was unwell and needed care.

You and your partner sound very kind people

I think you need to tell her your husband and you need some private time together on weekends - and carve out more than just one night. Your hubby is a saint!

Can you say you are going to a club or event, let her invite herself along, then once she's comfortable in the group, leave her to it? Like a knitting club or sports thing or whatever.

It is a really tough situation you’re in. It is hard to set boundaries and change things once they have been the same way for a while.

Similarly my mil is a widow. We have found the best thing is to ask other people to ask her to do things with them. We still have her round for tea a minimum of three nights a week and her just daughter has her for tea once a week (she lives 40 minutes drive or two buses away and we live a round the corner walk away).

My mum takes my mil to some oap exercise classes - she has made some friends there and they have coffee afterwards. Mil will now go on her own without my mum.

A lady round the corner from me takes mil to a soup lunch once a month. They have now booked a coach holiday together.

My auntie is also a widow and we introduced them and they get together frequently. They go to the theatre together.

I think what I’m suggesting is that you get other people to make the suggestions and invite her places. It might seem better coming from them and less like you want some time without her - which it is totally fine to want and perfectly reasonable but could be a sore subject with her.

good luck!

Good god you’re a saint. I would kill my mother if she had to come stay with me for any length of time on a regular basis.

Sounds like you've hopefully got sorted. Why don't you read the aunt in, by your using your partners wording. She might be happy for additional company, even the suggested "group joining." Your Mum mightn't feel so "out of place."

I don't think OP has said how old her mother is.

If OP is 45, I guess DM could be anything from 60s to 80s. Unless she is at the very top end of that age range, she really does need to get out there and rebuild a life of her own, as the OP and her DH cannot be her only source of social interaction for the next 20 years.

You need to stick to your guns and be (possibly) cruel (in her view) to be kind, rather than staying stuck in a rut which will slowly poison your relationship with your DM and probably also your DH.