Can you help solve my unsolvable problem?

I would also apply for health & financial power of attorney for your DM

I recommend that your DM applies for attendance allowance
It is not means tested

Then you can apply for carers allowance
But there is a limit to how much you can earn

I’ve been thinking a lot about your OP
There’s no easy answer, is there
That 2 years of money won’t last you very long and you’ve got a hopefully long life ahead of you
I think in your shoes I would focus on what small steps to take to slowly work yourself out of the situation you are in.

You do sound very fragile. I imagine being the truth teller of the family is difficult. Frankness and bluntness are often an autistic trait so that’s maybe not surprising. Sadly it sounds like neither BIL nor DB are going to give you any emotional support here.

Long term you want to move out, have a stable home of your own that’s affordable long term, and some kind of income to support yourself.

I wouldn’t try to live on your savings right now unless you absolutely have no other option.2 years is not very long. You are going to need that money for your own old age. I think if you can stick it out for a year or two until your son is out of university, and you have sorted yourself out a bit work wise that would be worth trying.

Finding some way to earn some money that’s sustainable to you with your health issues seems essential . The autism support sounds useful.

In terms of housing have you looked at shared ownership? Might that help the money from your old flat go further.

I also wonder how you might make your attic room into more of a sanctuary for yourself. Does your mother recognise that as your space? (The desk thing sounds like maybe she doesn’t). But I wonder if you could at least feel better about hiding up there that might help.

Sorry no solutions!

I've been thinking about your thread - I'm a fellow late-diagnosed autistic woman (at 44) and mostly shit DIL to my father in law who has very advanced dementia, Alzheimer's and vascular, currently in a dementia care home. I used to visit with my wife but had to take a break for a number of reasons. I totally get what you said about desperately needing alone time, and that the current situation is the opposite of what you need.

I wanted to comment on what you said about wanting to retrain as a counsellor, and it's not a path I would recommend for a number of reasons. I had this idea I would retrain myself, to get away from a job in project management I mostly hate. I completed the introductory counselling course, the counselling skills one and the first year of diploma which would lead to the qualification. I dropped out halfway through because I found the experience somewhat disturbing, mostly because the lead tutor decided it was her job to "break my defences" and that I was too rigid in my approach. I didn't have the diagnosis at the time but what she was trying to get me to change were my autistic traits, and I know anecdotally from others that counselling courses ironically are not very ND-friendly. The other thing that led me to dropping out was the job prospects or rather non-existent job prospects. There are thousands of new counsellors qualifying each year and realistically, very few employment options so something to consider if you need financial stability.

I do hope things improve for you and that you find a more stable environment where you can be yourself.

Ramble away 😌 I’m not NC but would love to be. I have minimal contact so as not to inflame the whole family’s righteous indignation. I’m polite but I don’t engage with her, I think there’s a term for that but it escapes me.

PILs are better but elderly and difficult- so I understand a little of both parts but it would be immeasurably more difficult to have it all combined in one person. Families are great, eh! Look after yourself and never think you’re a bad person for feeling what you feel.

Sadly, it sounds like you made the wrong decision to move in with your mother. The simple answer is, you need to move out. Your DM doesn’t need to change her ways to accommodate you or your DS, it’s her home and she’s doing you a favour.
Your ‘inheritance’ is a red herring. There could be no money left if she needs to pay for residential care in the long term - it’s really distasteful discussing ones possible inheritance when the person you’re hoping to inherit from is still alive!
Start looking for alternative places to live asap.

Gosh @Trappedwitheviledna that’s an incredibly tough situation. I also have a narcissist ‘DM’, and clearly I don’t know you but if you were a friend irl I would say the following.

You’re already fragile, it doesn’t sound like you can take years more of this- she won’t get better (behaviour) only worse.

I don’t trust people with wills. Once people actually get a sniff of the money they change their minds. I’m sure they mean it when they say they will share, but when the time comes there will be a ‘reason’ they suddenly can’t.

It’s unlikely there will be a large inheritance anyway if your mum has dementia or similar. She will need professional care- at home or in a home- and those costs spiral rapidly.

Those being the case, your DSis absolutely has the right idea in being NC. Just because no one else wants to do it doesn’t mean you have to. If you lose the next few years of your life to this woman, and then there’s no inheritance, where will you be? I’m worried your fragile mental health will be destroyed.

You say you have savings to live independently for 2 years and have plans to become a counsellor- do it! A lot can happen in 2 years. Do nothing and in 2 years you will still be 2 years older, but no further forward. You’ve not had an easy life, which has taken a toll, but to survive this far you must have a steel core and you can move on. You can do this OP, despite her voice in your head telling you that you can’t.

Op I did not mean to upset you but you do need to be able to hear other opinions on your situation.

Not all posters have time to pop over to stately homes to read your threads.

I am not doubting your mother is unpleasant but you cannot change other people only your reaction to them.

You said your Mother, BiL, Sister & your own Brother would not talk to you if your mother wasn’t present. What I am saying is that you are all part of a dysfunctional system and on some level you feed it into it.

Also it is worth considering that as Autism has a strong genetic component of your mother is more on the spectrum than you realise

If you want to gain experience in a certain area look up your local volunteer bureau and you could refresh your skills that way

I think you're doing a good job of identifying what does and doesn't work for you - never mind people picking holes, you need to be realistic about what will work to secure your future.

But then at some point you need to come up with a plan and take a leap of faith. Because continuing as you are makes no sense, you will only become more unhappy plus you can't control what the future holds as long as you are living in her house.

I'd look at public sector, the local council, education authority or NHS, or your nearest university. Not only are they huge employers but they are probably more amenable to employing a person on the spectrum, or an older person with a patchy job history.

How did you end up in a situation where you were crying and you BIL was shouting at you? To be fair, it's not his mother so I don't really know why he needs to be involved or informed about anything pertaining to your mum now that your sister is no longer around.

I think you should do what you can to move out. Even the most basic bedsit will be a relief compared to how you live now. I am not autistic but I understand that need to have my own time and space and not to have to keep up a constant dialogue with someone, especially someone who is difficult to please and highly critical. My own mum is fairly easy going but she drives me potty after more than a few hours too! No way could I live with her and I don't have the challenges you have.

Renting will eat into your savings of course, but at least you won't be living in such a stressful environment. Then you can visit your mother as often and for as long as you feel you can cope with, and leave before you reach the stage of agitation that has you screaming at her. It sounds like your problems have pushed you into a toxic co-dependency situation with her.

I understand why you feel trapped, but I think you've got yourself into a negative spiral of 'poor me, I have no choices and no agency. here' Your mother isn't going to change, so you need to woman up and take some control. Either you move out and take the financial hit, or you work REALLY HARD on coping strategies to make living with her more tolerable. Perhaps get some counselling yourself to help you find ways to do this. See it as a challenge and a game. Try to put some boundaries in place over how many hours a day you will spend with her, how much time you need in your room alone, or outside of the home doing things without her. Get hobbies, find friends, get a job. Work on grey rocking so that she can't send you into meltdown mode. Make sure that the time you do spend with her is doing things that are interesting and distracting for both of you, like dog walks or going to the library or cinema or shopping, rather than sitting looking at one another in the house with too much time on your hands. Does she have any hobbies or activity groups she attends?

She may go into a care home and you may end up with no inheritance at all, or she could die suddenly in six months and the fear of ending up both homeless and penniless will no longer apply. But no-one has that crystal ball so you just have to do what keeps you most sane in the meantime. Continuing to live in her house is no guarantee that there will be much money forthcoming in the end, so you don't really have much to lose by moving out.

Either way, you should try to get a job, something like a supermarket/retail or clerical role that won't be too taxing. That will give you some space from her and a reason to get up and leave the house each day and a chance to meet people, so your life doesn't feel like either time spent with her, or time spent in your room, with her sulking downstairs.

A job with regular contracted hours probably scares you, but it might be just what you need. You need to work on your resilience and your ability to just turn up each day and get on with it. You might find you love it. You need something positive to focus on, instead of focusing on all the things you say you can't do because of your autism and anxiety.

What did you do your degree in?