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Elderly parents
Original poster

Heading for a breakdown

31 replies

Patsy7299 · 12/04/2024 13:42

Hi All, I really have nowhere else to turn and looking for any thoughts/advice.

I have/had the best parents but occasionally butt heads with my mum. Long story short:

I am an only child (52) and my dad passed away last year. I cared for him and my mum in the sense of dealing with all their bills, docs appointments and took them out for dinners/lunches/even on holiday and visited daily. I am in a long distance relationship (newly engaged) and since my dad passed, my fiance has also lost his dad to cancer in January after caring for him for 7 months.

We booked a holiday for February this year (postponed 3 times due to their illness) and 12 hours before I was due to go, my mum (85) fractured her pelvis and we cancelled. She recovered well and was great until a few weeks ago, when she had a UTI which was then diagnosed as a stroke. She was in hospital 3 weeks and I was there twice a day, every day for 3 weeks. She got home and carers are in morning and evening with me visiting daily also. I have one son who has been great and he also visits daily. I have two aunts who we don't speak to, however their sons text/phone and one occasionally visits but offer no practical help.

I do all the cooking and cleaning for her, work full time, and haven't grieved my own dad properly yet. I really need a break and we had booked to go to Spain in May. My son has told me to go and I really can't tell you how much I want to but I am so worried something will happen to her if I do or that everyone will think I have abandoned her. I have the GP coming out next week to do an assessment for dementia and if it is that then I fear I will never get a holiday again. There is no POA in place despite my mum saying there was, and I am prepared to give up my job to care for her.

I feel so selfish but my own health, both mental and physical is deteriorating due to all the stress.

OP posts:
Ivyy · 12/04/2024 16:02

Op you need a break, you won't be able to care for your dm at all if you get sick or have a breakdown, and I agree with pp that things happen whether you're there or not. You can't live in fear of something happening if you go away, anything can happen at any time!
As for everyone judging you and thinking you've abandoned her, I highly doubt anyone would think that with the amount of your life spent caring for your dm, if they did then they'd be crazy. Please go on this holiday and try not to spend the time away worrying something might happen Flowers

Original poster
Patsy7299 · 12/04/2024 14:03

HoraceGoesBonkers · 12/04/2024 14:00

I'd get the POA in place before doing anything else.

Go on holiday. Stuff will happen whether you're there or not - and not to sound hard, but you being there hasn't prevented things. I'm not sure who this "everyone" is who will judge you, but you've gone above and beyond already and they're not considering giving up their jobs to look after her, are they?

I think whatever happens you need to figure out what your Mum's resources are - does she own her own house, have savings, can she access benefits for her or for you if you're her carer? And also look at your own situation carefully - can you afford to give up work or would it be better to keep working and buy in some help? What do you think is cope-able with? What would make you happy?

Even if you do go down the road of giving up work you'll still need cover for respite to see your fiance and have a life.

I will get on to a lawyer now.

She owns an ex LA flat - perhaps £50K and has no savings. I don't have a mortgage so could move in if it came to the worst. And you are right, I am too worried about what others think when they haven't done a thing to help!

OP posts:
LipstickLil · 12/04/2024 14:03

Who's going to judge you and who the hell cares if they do OP? FGS you're going round there twice a day and have been for months. Only the most unreasonable person would judge you for needing a break and taking one. You're only human! Please go on your holiday in May. Arrange for your DS and carers to take up the slack while you're away. Your DS has told you to go, so please go before you have a breakdown/health crisis yourself 💐

HoraceGoesBonkers · 12/04/2024 14:00

I'd get the POA in place before doing anything else.

Go on holiday. Stuff will happen whether you're there or not - and not to sound hard, but you being there hasn't prevented things. I'm not sure who this "everyone" is who will judge you, but you've gone above and beyond already and they're not considering giving up their jobs to look after her, are they?

I think whatever happens you need to figure out what your Mum's resources are - does she own her own house, have savings, can she access benefits for her or for you if you're her carer? And also look at your own situation carefully - can you afford to give up work or would it be better to keep working and buy in some help? What do you think is cope-able with? What would make you happy?

Even if you do go down the road of giving up work you'll still need cover for respite to see your fiance and have a life.

Original poster
Patsy7299 · 12/04/2024 13:49

I am not sure, she is confused just now so don't know if that would be possible? She doesn't have any savings except state pension but owns her home and I would need to sell it if she had to be put into care

OP posts:
bilbodog · 12/04/2024 13:46

Firstly can you get POA in place now, before any diagnosis?

secondly you dont have to do all the caring if mum can afford to pay.

Others will be along to give you further advice. All the best.

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