Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

Your first priority has to be your children so in your circumstances I would.

DM (widow, DDad died 30 years ago) and I lived 250 miles apart until 3 years ago. None of my siblings lived locally to her either - 2 of 3 of them didn't even live in the UK. During lockdown she decided it was ridiculous that she had 4 children and 6 grandchildren and couldn't see any of them. She now lives half a mile away.

Within 6 months of arriving she was diagnosed with a lymphoma, and had 10 cycles of chemo. Shortly after that she got a chest infection which hospitalised her, a very bad dose of Covid which became Long Covid and another chest infection and another week in hospital. Then sometime in hospital needing iron infusions. She had no health issues beforehand! Well - obviously the lymphoma was there, but hadn't cause noticeable problems.

Anyway, what I am saying is that DM went from having no health issues, to significant health issues with very little notice and needed a lot of nursing/caring. It was much easier when she was half a mile away, rather than 250 miles away. The other sibling in the uk is a teacher, son

I agree with this, you should not have to sacrifice yourself for your parent.

I’d suggest you start thinking about what your options would be in the future.

I think you should move. If you don’t, each month you are just about scraping by for her benefit will only cause resentment as time goes on.

As she ages and becomes more frail, she may decide that having a helpful Dd near is more important than being close to friends. As her circumstances change, she will have different priorities which may end allying closer to yours. She could decide moving closer to you is the solution.

If she could afford care then perhaps she should start a saving fund now for future needs.

Im mid sixties and plan to move closer to my Dd in the future. I hope to be on hand when the DGC come along. On the other hand my ex MIL didn’t want to move and so her Dd is selling up and buying her DMs home and will move in and care for her.

You could perhaps think of it as a work task and break down all the reasons why you feel you should stay (dodgy possible relationship, care needs now and in the future etc.)

You shouldn’t be the only one trying to make plans for her future, she should be thinking about it too.

Go, Minty, go.

All the posters laying on the guilt about “what if she falls, what if she can’t put the bins out”… what do people with no grown up daughters do? I expect they have to make decisions re their care accordingly.

I wouldn't. They've moved 200 miles from me. And it does worry me a bit for the future. But my sister is fortunately local to them.

No, I wouldn't.

My Mum is a similar age but has gone downhill in the last year or so due to vascular dementia. I'm an hour away and we don't have the easiest relationship but I love her and have wanted to support her.

She's really needed me and it's been bloody hard being an hour away so I can't imagine what it would be living a long way away.

I guess it would depend on what plans she has made for her own old age. My Mum was rubbish at all that stuff so a lot has fallen to me. I won't be doing the same to my own children!

DD is brilliant. She’s in her first year at uni and hoping to become a barrister.

How wonderful! And yes you will need to help her out if you can. It’s very difficult to become a barrister from a non rich background, yet really important that ordinary people do, so I can understand you wanting to support.

No

I totally get that you need to live your life. But you will need to understand and accept that at she gets older, living so far away can be a real pain if you need to organise care and/or she can no longer manage her own affairs. You may well find yourself wearing a groove on the road between your home and hers, as I've been doing for the last ten years. We're also had a difficult relationship. (possibly not difficult than yours) and if I'm honest, I resented all that travel time. But of course if I lived locally I'd have been resenting being at her beck and call.
I was fortunate that she was in an extra care facility, though, so it was only peripheral things that needed me. Trying to keep her in her own home would have been way more difficult.

My mum died three weeks ago, and it's quite odd to think that I never need to do that journey again

I would ask yourself how you will manage your relationship with mum from a distance and how will you cope when you start to have issues:

She has a fall and can't get up
There's a leak in the bathroom and she can't access the stopcock
There's a power cut and she's got no torches
She has a hospital appointment and someone needs to go with her
She has a nasty cold and is stuck in bed
She isn't strong enough to put the bins out each week
She's smashed a glass but can't clear it up

and on and on and on week in, week out. Because as she gets older she is likely to need more help here and there. That's if she doesn't need full on physical care which is another issue.

So what will your plan be when you get these phone calls? Will you hop in the car or will there be people you can call to help? Just imagine these scenarios and how you would deal with it.

We are stuck living close to an elderly relative who is basically housebound and incapable but largely refusing to accept regular professional help, so we have to pop in several times a week. It's fucking exhausting and we are quite resentful but we can't ignore her.

No.

Yes, I would, and am planning to for similar reasons. And I’m hoping to do it while mum is in relatively good health. I’m the only one of my siblings living close by, so it would all fall to me otherwise and honestly I want to live my own life. This way the visiting/ sitting/ paying for care will get split evenly between siblings and I won’t stew in a fog of resentment. I have my own health problems and life is short- we never really know how short.
I would want my kids to live their own lives too and I will plan my own old age, should I get there. Do it!

I would go but I'm not providing care for my parents and have told them so.

I sacrificed my own needs to look after my DM and then I got cancer (with no other risk factors or family history). Hopefully I'm cured but I did wonder what impact not looking after myself and becoming completely exhausted played in lowering my immune system. I've had to let go a bit. I can't be responsible for her decisions (won't get carers) and have been much more determined to live my own life. You make a good case for how much difference it would make to you and you've given her the choice to move too. I say go for it.

I would go and if/when she needs to go into a care setting, bring her to one close to your new house. Until then, you can help organise any carers she needs etc.

I am widowed and can understand your mother wishing to stay where her friendship group and social life are. They mean a great deal to me, and I foster those precisely because I do not want my DDs to feel obliged to fill my life; and to feel responsible for my happiness.

Two of them live locally and I see them about once a week, which is fine - they are busy and so am I. I do one school run a week.

But ...... I have had a couple of emergencies when I have had surgery and been unwell, and then they swing into action and help me out, for which I am very grateful. These are the situations when you will feel a bit torn. You need to discuss with your mother how things might be organised in the event of similar happening to her. This might involve you both looking into care provision locally: home care, community wheels, voluntary agencies etc.

I do think you should go ahead with your move, free up your finances and live your life a bit while you have the chance. I have had some health problems since being 60, and this may be your window of opportunity to live a bit before such things hit you. My window was taken up with caring for a sick OH - you need to grab this opportunity while you can.

There will be difficult moments when being so far away will be a challenge; but you are going into this with your eyes open. You only get one stab at life and need to grab your opportunities with both hands. I am sure you can discuss this with your mother with sensitivity.

Another of my DDs lives away and we are in constant contact on Whatsapp, video calls and visits. Could you organise this with your Mum?

I personally wouldn’t. My elderly mother similar age to yours lives half an hour’s drive away and I find that hard. I have thought of moving closer so I can call in once a day. Also it gets harder as they get older obviously. My mother however does not use technology so I do all the shopping and help with banking etc and anything online as well as appointments. Can you move but not as far?

I have a great relationship with my mum. However - I think I would move. I would do everything I could to offer that she move with me. Perhaps even in with me, because we are close. If she refused, that's fine but I would probably discuss putting things in place before I left and make it clear I would not be rushing back every weekend. I would ask her to have one of those emergency necklaces that connect to someone. I would also have a little assessment of her house and offer to support any work that needed doing. Basically, get her ready for me to leave.

Ultimately she could move with you but she has her own life and friends. I completely understand why you are leaving. However, nothing is forever. She might move nearer in a few years.

Given your DMs age I don't think I'd be moving right now. The situation may resolve itself in a couple of years by her needing to go into a home and then it could be a bit more straightforward to move.

You say your DD has expensive career plans. Once she is through university then surely it's up to her to figure out how to finance her career.

Is there anyway to monetise your existing property like renting out a room?