Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

From what you've written about your finances, I would go now. I've changed my mind from the beginning of the thread there.

I would try to set up something like Facebook portal or a Ring doorbell or Alexa or all three so that you can talk to her and see her remotely in or out of a crisis (you could commit to her that you won't use it to spy on her but only if essential or if it's convenient to her).

I would make sure she has a pendant alarm; with the understanding that if she presses it, you will call via Alexa etc and if you can't speak to her, you'll call an ambulance for her.

I would put PoA forms in front of her and basically say signing them is non-negotiable. Being able to manage your mum's finances remotely via Internet banking will be essential. If you ever needed to redirect post or anything like that, POA makes life easier. It makes it much more likely that authorities wil listen to you (remotely) as if they are talking to her.

Then I would sell up and get on with my life.

I would say you mum is very vulnerable, with this carer still around and it wouldn't be the best to move and leave her to potentially be preyed upon.

Do you have POA if anything happens to her?

You need to consider your life and your daughter's.
You need to move ,
You gave your mum the choice. She said no. She's doing what she wants with apparently no guilt/consideration for your circumstances.

So why do you feel you can't do what's best for you?

If you do move, are you concerned about the "inappropriate relationship" developing to the extent that the carer starts to benefit him financially? If that's what your Mum wants of course it's none of your business, but if on the other hand you could classify her as vulnerable that makes it more of a worry.

NoHowever, I don't think that fear should stop you living your life - more that you have to accept that it might happen, you might not have been able to stop it anyway had you stayed, and accept it as something you have done all you can reasonably do to prevent, but at the end of the day her life and money is hers to live and spend, and the same applies to you.

I do very much wonder if a son would be under such heavy expectations of involved day to day care… with 4 brothers I feel I can say no they would not!

Yes I would. You can't afford to carry on as you are and you need to help your daughter, which should be your priority. Your mother has money to pay for help.

The fact is none of us know how much time we have left. With the money you save you can afford to travel if you need to, but giving up your dreams is only going to lead to anger and resentment and poison what good relationship there is between you.

I don't have kids but if I did I strongly feel that I wouldn't expect this of them. I have been a carer briefly for a family member and it nearly broke me.

Yes I would. You can't afford to carry on as you are and you need to help your daughter, which should be your priority. Your mother has money to pay for help.

The fact is none of us know how much time we have left. With the money you save you can afford to travel if you need to, but giving up your dreams is only going to lead to anger and resentment and poison what good relationship there is between you.

I don't have kids but if I did I strongly feel that I wouldn't expect this of them. I have been a carer briefly for a family member and it nearly broke me.

Who is going to help with your own retirement? where is the money going to come from? having a home you can afford is key to your financial health.
You can't have 3 jobs and be expected to be the main carer for an elderly parent. That is simply not sustainable.

Hard agree with this.

You are drowning financially with two jobs. If your mum needs care, you would go under as something would have to give and its not feasible to manage a house and student daughter on a carer's allowance. I would move now and put contingencies in place for the future. Worst case scenario: you could rent your house out in the new area if you mother needs you for an extended period of time.

Has she got any spare money?
You are essentially staying in an area costing you more than you can afford, for her benefit only. Could she afford to give you a monthly payment? If she has money and says no, then I'd move. If she really is hard up, then I'd stay.

Has she got any spare money?
You are essentially staying in an area costing you more than you can afford, for her benefit. Could she afford to give you a monthly payment? If she has money and says no, then I'd move. If she really is hard up, then I'd stay.

Sorry if this comes across wrong, but does your mother have a bit of money to her name? Money that will pass to you on her death? If she does, is there any way you could suggest to her she let's you have a little regularly now to subsidise your living so you can afford to stay where you are? Sorry, I know that comes across incredibly badly.

It's just that, in answer to your question, no I would not move (and am not moving) further away from an elderly parent. My parent is a bit older than yours and I already live about an hour and 45 from them. I would like to move a bit further away, but won't whilst my parent is alive. I am financially OK, but I have to constantly fend off my parent offering me money 'that will eventually be yours anyway' and I know they would rather I had the help now than move further away from them.

I had an effortless relationship with Dad who I absolutely adored and doing it for him nearly killed me
My guess op is that your mother feels fully entitled to the same level of support that you provided for your father, and then some.

I think because you can and because you have always wanted to live in the place 250 miles away, you should do that.
Think of yourself for the next five years.

Set yourself up so that you can, in five years time, drive down to visit Mum or to help her into her care home etc without being her full time carer. You might have the option of having a lodger in your home and renting a room from one of your Mum's friends for any month long unforseen circumstances.

You and your daughter can always come and visit Mum while she is well and has her own house too.

Think positively about your own moves.

250 miles is not as far as you think once you get used to the drive (or train).

Would it be possible for DM to help you out financially, so you could have a better quality of life without moving?

It honestly doesn't sound as though you can afford to stay where you are. I don't see why you should beggar yourself for someone who is neither spouse nor child, ienot someone you have actively committed to supporting. And if was a spouse, it would only be "equal beggaring" - you wouldn't make yourself worse off than them, for them!

Reading your description of her I think it's best if you move away from her, the more she can access you the more she will dominate you completely and dismiss your needs.

No, I wouldn't. If I really had to then I would ask the parent if they wanted to move with me.

.... posted too soon

The other sibling in the uk is a teacher, so unable to be flexible re work- fortunately, my employer is very supportive of carers.

DM didn't know she had cancer when she moved. Maybe the whole situation would have been easier to manage remotely if DM hadn't been single.

Move if you want, but be prepared that health can deteriorate very suddenly and very quickly.

Move. Right now.

Put yourself and your kids first. I always think you own family (kids, partner) are the main priority rather than the expectations of elderly parents.

I see no reason why you should put your mental and physical health at risk and constantly struggle financially.

You gave your mother an opportunity to move with you and she said no.

You can't put yourself in a position where you might lose your house and mess your finances especially as you have a single income coming in.

Who is going to help with your own retirement? where is the money going to come from? having a home you can afford is key to your financial health.

You can't have 3 jobs and be expected to be the main carer for an elderly parent. That is simply not sustainable.

I think women are conditioned to put their needs always last and to try to care for everyone else but there is nothing 'selfish' about putting your own life first.