Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

I’d suggest she rented a supported flat if at all possible rather than buy just in case she needs to sell cos supposedly that can take a good while to do.

I think it sounds doable ( but maybe stressful) if there are people to rely on in an emergency. Lots of weekends and holidays so plenty of ‘ quality ‘ time.
Îm just wondering about you though cos it sounds like you are moving away from your own support network ? If it wasn’t for the money would you still want to move ?

As the saying goes, you shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Please don't sacrifice yourself for your Mum. Would you want your daughter to do that for you when you're 85 and she's 50?

Your Mum can afford extra help so she needs to book it in. You'll feel guilty of course but you'd feel guilty if she lived with you (ask me how I know!) because we never feel that we're doing all we should be doing.

You need to make the most of your 50s and 60s so go for it!

It's called "Slowly, slowly catch ye monkey"
Drip feed over a number of weeks.

the supported complex sounds ideal because it frees you up (emotionally as much as anything) and being close by, you and she know you can be available very easily and drop by for visits just for a cuppa becomes something nice to look forward to. It could build your relationship as well.

the extra money in the bank may not be what "sells it" to her, but it's a big benefit all the same.

Do please keep asking your DM, on a regular basis.

Keep the conversation going, it doesn't need to be a yes or no immediately, but every time you open up the dialogue it can bring a gradual sense of reality to your DM that this change is something that affects her and that she needs to think of your needs, her DGDs needs and her own care needs.

I've seen it happen loads of times with elderly relatives. It starts with a resolute no, and over time it becomes an easier conversation as they become more accustomed and less frightened about the change.

Could you look at retirement/independent living options where you're planning to move to, and then persuade your DM to just go take a look at a couple of places. This could make the future look a lot more real and hopefully more positive for her.

No, I'd not consider it, but I am really close with my mum

You can't put your life on hold forever and working three jobs and caring for your mum sounds like a fast track to burnout.

You need to move sooner than later, so you're well enough to establish yourself get out there and make friends and become part of your new community.

If you can continue to work term time then as you've said you'll be able to visit frequently and probably be better mentally prepared for it's

This is bang on. She’s well aware of my situation. But when my DD popped round the other day mum said to her ‘I don’t understand what your mum is so stressed about’

Mine is the same, "I don't ask you to do much" and to be fair she is pretty self-reliant, the problem is when she needs something it's often urgent and I am the only person who can do it, whether it's calling the paramedics because it seems like she might be having a mini stroke, or stopping the smoke alarm beeping, or getting cash out to pay the cleaner and workmen. I barely have the headspace to sort my own life out let alone hers.

I live a 3 hour drive from my 84 year old mum. It used to be 2 hours away but she moved further away aged 72. I questioned the wisdom of this at the time but she wouldn’t listen as she was perfectly fit at the time. Fast forward a decade and she’s now riddled with arthritis. My dad died years ago.I suggested that she move in with us as we have a ready made studio in our back garden. It was a no to this and a no to moving to more suitable accommodation on one floor or a supported living arrangement It is v difficult as she is clearly struggling. Have put some things in place such as a a stairlift, grab handles, adapted the shower ( All at our expense ) but it’s a real worry. I can’t imagine how I’ll cope if she has a sudden illness or fall. But if your mother is anything like mine you’d be better moving away for your own sanity.

I don't envy you this decision OP, because it's impossible to see into the future. If only you could know what's coming it would make the decision much easier to make! But you can't. I hope that by some stroke of luck you make the right decision for yourself.

I see the other side of this as I'm a community nurse.

The patients I see who have families miles away are the ones who really struggle the most.

It's fine while everyone is well and independent but it only takes a fall or bout of illness for that to change quite dramatically.

Hi Minty, I remember you telling us about your mother and about the care worker previously here. I think that you have done a lot for her over the past few years but you need to put yourself and your long term needs before her now.

Your a single parent and your daughter has just started university. Your costs are high and at the moment your working hard to barely brake even. You asked your mother to move to the new area with you and she wont do it his as she has friends near by. Along with this she has savings and wants to keep this money for care ect.
She may give you some money but then your very beholden to her.

You have told us that by moving house you could be £500 to £800 a month better off and being honest that would improve your financial position both now and in the future.
You could be mortgage free or have a small mortgage. You could put a lump sum from your house sale into a pension plan and pay into this plan each month. Then down the line you could access this to retire before state pension age.
You also have more money to help your daughter now, to build up your own savings and to enjoy your own life.

To be honest your mother has decided to suit her life by not selling her house in the past and possibly buying one that would be better for her old age. She has decided to not move to your new area either. The reality is that she probably only seen what's suits her but has very little understanding or choses to ignore what your life is like at the moment.

I have a friend whose mother is slightly younger than yours and my friend has similar issues to you. Her mother has money but won't help out my friend financially and has made excuses why she won't do this. She has been verbally nasty to my friend on several occasions.
Her mother refuses to listen any advice she has been given. Yet she expects help as she gets older and is very against going into a nursing home.

My friend has started to look into a few things and will be making plans to improve her own life and finances. As she said to me I have to consider my own life and finances going forward.

Your not been selfish moving if it going to make your own life and finances easier now and long term. Your mother has decided to stay in her house despite you asking her to move area with you so she has to realise that your not staying in your current house to suit her.
Your entitled to your own life also. Good luck with the house move and new job.

Does it have to be 250 miles away? Is there any closer, cheaper place that would be a middle ground? I think you definitely need to do something though, the amount your working and the drain on your income sounds unsustainable, and like something needs to change.

I agree with this.

I am not my Mum's carer in the hands on physical but I do oversee things and help with appointments and shopping and various other random things that crop up.

My Mum presents very well publicly but behind the scenes she has been struggling for quite a while. It has only become obvious to me in the last year or so. She absolutely cannot manage her affairs independently and she wouldn't ask for help now because she doesn't realise she cannot manage.

What would happen if I wasn't around? Well, that really scares me because I imagine things would get worse and worse until she had a crisis and was picked up by social services.

It's very hard to do this remotely. You need to see what's going on with your own eyes and not potentially rely on, "I'm fine" which is what my Mum would say.

Not really, my DGM refused to move for that reason but her friends were similar age to her and whilst some did continue without help a bit longer, they were all deteriorating.

If her friends and support system is there, then she will be fine on her own.

No I wouldn't. She may be fir and healthy now bit one day she won't be and you will be exhausted caring from a distance.

@MintyCedric i remember your threads from a few years ago when your dad was very ill. (My parents were also very ill around the same time so your posts always struck a chord, as i felt complete carer burnout too but you have no choice but to keep going).
I think you should live your life as you want to, and your reasoning seems sensible from a financial perspective.
It’s guilt and obligation holding you back. I imagine you are conditioned to put others first now, so thats why you’re having all these uncomfortable feelings thinking about yourself for once.
You only get one life.
Don’t be held back by fear of judgement - and we can judge ourselves very harshly.

@Soontobe60 I was asking the question of a PP in response to something they posted, not the OP!

@MintyCedric it sounds like you’ve thought things through, there’s a good local support system; and it won’t transfer the burden all to one person.

In your case then I’d definitely make the move, it sounds like the best thing to do.

From your recent previous message ( the move to the North ) it sounded like you have an affinity to the area you like.
Deep down I think you know you need to move to improve your life , several times fold.
From the sound of it , you are asking permission from us on here to rip the plaster off and going for it ?
You should .
Putting it bluntly , lots of people ( the elderly ) die by degeneration , i.e slowly over the years , becoming more frail , ailments getting worse etc , it's the ones that die reasonably well healthwise after a very short illness or in their sleep that are the lucky ones.
Yes your mum could still last a good few years yet , and of course that is a good thing
but don't put your own life on hold , again bluntly , none of us know when the end is for us so don't waste yours

I honestly think it might be easier to cope wuth the 'dodgy carer' situation if you're a bit removed from it. Unless you think she's actually in danger.