Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

190 replies

MintyCedric · 08/04/2024 11:50

Basically for cost of living reasons.

I’m divorced with a mortgage and kid in uni with potentially expensive career plans.

I have a decent amount of equity in my house and could at worst half my mortgage, at best not need one at all if I move (to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, but planned to
wait until Mum no longer an issue and DD settled).

Mum doesn’t want to move - she has friends here for support and doesn’t want to start again.

She can also be quite challenging wrt to our relationship…I can imagine if I move there will be crises every five minutes. But if I stay put I will have to work myself into the ground just to exist…and I’m nearly 50 and want to living not just existing.

Would you do If you live miles from your EP, how does it work for you?

OP posts:
Mum5net · 09/04/2024 14:08

Be strong, Minty.

You've taken a sounding from MN at large.
The future is about you.
You've been dancing to her tune for as long as I can remember on this board.
Play you own music now AT FULL BLAST
PS Well done to DD, she always had a cool head, way beyond her years ...

Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/04/2024 13:53

when my dad was caring

dying

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/04/2024 13:52

@Orangesandlemons77

There is a lot of resentment on my side already if I’m totally honest…both regarding historical stuff and particularly how she made everything so much harder when my dad was caring (wasn’t up to the job but refused to accept more carers, expected me to take over everything she couldn’t/wouldn’t do but then interfered constantly…if it had just been me and dad it still would have been horrible but nowhere near as complex and stressful as it was).

On the day to day I’ve made peace with a lot of it, but the ongoing situation with dad’s former carer is like a constantly running sore, and I can’t help feel if she’d more supportive of certain things when I was younger instead of trying to control the narrative I’d be in a very different financial/career situation now.

OP posts:
Orangesandlemons77 · 09/04/2024 13:31

funnelfan · 09/04/2024 00:51

I’m 100 miles away from my mum, and to be honest that has forced her to accept carers rather than rely on me if I lived nearer. I still visit at least once a week to do her shopping and check things over, which is still exhausting. Even more so because DB, who did one weekend a month, decided to take a new job abroad so I haven’t had a break since before Christmas.

Id still say to go. Life is too short to put plans on hold if you don’t have to. But you may have to start having the hard conversations with her, putting various scenarios to her and asking what she’d want in that situation.

This is what I was going to say. Also if you stay and you wanted to go, you might end up resenting it / her which might add to the problems.

I would go, let her find stuff to help her and then visits can be sociable only which will be better all-round.

TammyOne · 09/04/2024 13:24

It's fine while everyone is well and independent but it only takes a fall or bout of illness for that to change quite dramatically.
That is true, and it’s partly going through this experience with two different nearby relatives that is making me determined to move before my mother gets there. That way, all my (several) siblings and I will (I hope) share the driving/ visiting/ admin burden equally and I won’t be shouldering it all ( possibly for years) on my own. I am not sacrificing my entire 50s to that and neither should OP.

Thatsthewayitisnt · 09/04/2024 12:12

MintyCedric · 09/04/2024 09:21

However, do you have a job to go to ?

Not as yet, however my skills and experience could cover a fairly wide range of options. The job I do here and want to do are both very portable and there are definitely the same roles available in the area I’m looking to move to.

I’m realistic about the fact I may have to take a job to pay the bills initially (or temp, I’ve done lots of admin/reception work) and then figure out something more career adjacent once I’m settled.

@Thatsthewayitisnt don’t feel guilty. You’ve done your best and it’s not worked out as well as you’d hoped. If that was the situation in any other context would you be beating yourself up about it.
We all have different relationships with our parents…and that’s as much about them as it is about us.

Thank you. I wish you luck in your next stage of life, you’re doing the right thing.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/04/2024 09:21

However, do you have a job to go to ?

Not as yet, however my skills and experience could cover a fairly wide range of options. The job I do here and want to do are both very portable and there are definitely the same roles available in the area I’m looking to move to.

I’m realistic about the fact I may have to take a job to pay the bills initially (or temp, I’ve done lots of admin/reception work) and then figure out something more career adjacent once I’m settled.

@Thatsthewayitisnt don’t feel guilty. You’ve done your best and it’s not worked out as well as you’d hoped. If that was the situation in any other context would you be beating yourself up about it.
We all have different relationships with our parents…and that’s as much about them as it is about us.

OP posts:
Thatsthewayitisnt · 09/04/2024 09:19

RainIsCosy · 09/04/2024 01:26

You will always know you tried to do the best for your mother by moving closer to be able to help her. That was very generous and thoughtful. Unfortunately, your mental health is suffering now and that is important to think about too. I think a good saying is not to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Can her church community step up to support her a bit?

Show quote history

They do a lot. They do the things I ought to be doing a lot of the time. The trouble is she is absolutely rabid about religion and very judgemental. I don't know her friends or community at all. I'm just the nearest child to her who tries to help. I am tired of her self absorbtion and nastiness now and can't take it anymore. My inclination is to move away and leave her to it. Sorry if I am derailing your thread, OP. Not my intention.

SheilaFentiman · 09/04/2024 08:00

I would move. You have to live your life and your DD matters too. You have offered for your mum to come along and she has said no. That’s her decision as an adult with agency; you make your decision.

RainIsCosy · 09/04/2024 01:26

Thatsthewayitisnt · 09/04/2024 01:11

This thread is making me feel very guilty. I moved to be closer to my mother several years ago. It has been a spectacular failure. There have been endless fall outs and upset. I have done a lot to help her but she is quite nasty to me, interspersed with gushing fake niceness. We really have no relationship and I barely visit her now . I feel really guilty about it but she had a really bad effect on me and I am at the end of my rope. She has lots of friends through her church and they are closer to her than I am. They’re much younger than her though and have their own lives. I now want to move away again . This means myself and one sibling will be a long way away . There is another sibling not far away but they don’t speak after a fall out . I do wonder if I should hang around longer but I just can’t bear her anymore .

You will always know you tried to do the best for your mother by moving closer to be able to help her. That was very generous and thoughtful. Unfortunately, your mental health is suffering now and that is important to think about too. I think a good saying is not to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Can her church community step up to support her a bit?

Thatsthewayitisnt · 09/04/2024 01:11

This thread is making me feel very guilty. I moved to be closer to my mother several years ago. It has been a spectacular failure. There have been endless fall outs and upset. I have done a lot to help her but she is quite nasty to me, interspersed with gushing fake niceness. We really have no relationship and I barely visit her now . I feel really guilty about it but she had a really bad effect on me and I am at the end of my rope. She has lots of friends through her church and they are closer to her than I am. They’re much younger than her though and have their own lives. I now want to move away again . This means myself and one sibling will be a long way away . There is another sibling not far away but they don’t speak after a fall out . I do wonder if I should hang around longer but I just can’t bear her anymore .

funnelfan · 09/04/2024 00:51

I’m 100 miles away from my mum, and to be honest that has forced her to accept carers rather than rely on me if I lived nearer. I still visit at least once a week to do her shopping and check things over, which is still exhausting. Even more so because DB, who did one weekend a month, decided to take a new job abroad so I haven’t had a break since before Christmas.

Id still say to go. Life is too short to put plans on hold if you don’t have to. But you may have to start having the hard conversations with her, putting various scenarios to her and asking what she’d want in that situation.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/04/2024 00:35

Move

No one of your age should be considering finding a 3rd job !

However, do you have a job to go to ?

RainIsCosy · 09/04/2024 00:33

MintyCedric · 09/04/2024 00:28

@RainIsCosy I’m glad you managed to figure it out.

Health wise…meh…I’m peri/menopausal so have all the associated crap with that going on, and I’m exhausted and just emotionally drained most evenings and weekends which are mostly just doom scrolling, housework and nodding off on the sofa. I’ve also started suffering with eczema recently which flares when I'm stressed or run down so that’s a delight atm!

I do one 13 hour a day a week, four normal days but one of those I go straight from work to mums so am out for about 10/11 hours. I usually spend half a day with her at the weekend and work 1 weekend day a month.

If I continue in my current role I’d be looking to take on another afternoon and and and additional weekend day which would help but not as much as I’d like after tax.

So how sustainable it is long term is very tenuous.

There’s a couple of possible work developments that may arise in the next few months so am waiting to see how they pan out before making a final decision.

Whatever you decide, it sounds like it will be a decision made with good thought and not rushed into. You can only do your best. In our case my DH's health improved quickly when we moved, but it's tricky with the parents. Sometimes there is no ideal solution so you just make the best decision you can.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/04/2024 00:28

@RainIsCosy I’m glad you managed to figure it out.

Health wise…meh…I’m peri/menopausal so have all the associated crap with that going on, and I’m exhausted and just emotionally drained most evenings and weekends which are mostly just doom scrolling, housework and nodding off on the sofa. I’ve also started suffering with eczema recently which flares when I'm stressed or run down so that’s a delight atm!

I do one 13 hour a day a week, four normal days but one of those I go straight from work to mums so am out for about 10/11 hours. I usually spend half a day with her at the weekend and work 1 weekend day a month.

If I continue in my current role I’d be looking to take on another afternoon and and and additional weekend day which would help but not as much as I’d like after tax.

So how sustainable it is long term is very tenuous.

There’s a couple of possible work developments that may arise in the next few months so am waiting to see how they pan out before making a final decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/04/2024 00:21

@EmmaEmerald it’s a fair point and one of the things that worries me.

Obviously if anything major happened I’d come come back…it’s the minor things (she had a couple of smalls early last year - one of which needed stitches) that I’d feel awful about not being there for.

That said, she’s —a terrible patient—pretty feisty, and there are people here that could step in.

Although it’s a long distance, it’s a very straightforward one, pretty much two motorways and an A road at either end. I’ve not issue with the drive. It’s about 4.5 hours in good conditions with no stops.

OP posts:
RainIsCosy · 09/04/2024 00:15

We've been there and made the move. Your health is important too. It sounds like your mother has good support locally with her own networks.

I'm not saying it's not a tricky decision, it is, and I had a close relationship with my mother. In the end, the fact my DH's health was declining due to the demands on him in his local job wasn't something I could ignore. In your case, if your health is being negatively affected, that is a priority to consider. You just have to be prepared that you'll be less able to support your parent and might need to organise for professional carers to be available.

RandomColours · 09/04/2024 00:04

And I agree with a pp that even if you lived closer to her there would still be guilt. I live 100 miles away and see her once a month roughly. but whatever I did would never be enough (and we’re not even close). Also, moving might force your mother to think about plans for her future now. I’m not sure whether your suggestion was for her to move somewhere more supported either close to where she is now or else where you plan to move. But she can make that call as it’s her choice.

RandomColours · 08/04/2024 23:59

It also sounds like you’ve had a lot of pressure looking after everyone. Maybe it’s time to take care of you and put your interests first?

RandomColours · 08/04/2024 23:54

Living on £50 for food and petrol and nothing left over is not sustainable. So I would move. Your mother could live another 10 years or even more. You would be a mess trying to do 2 or 3 jobs, live off £50 per week and deal with your mother’s “manipulations”.

However at the same time I think you have to be realistic that 250 miles is a long way away. Unless there is a very good public transport link. So in practice you wouldn’t see your mother probably very often. However if you are determined to move and you are giving her an option to move closer she may come round, even if it is some time after you move.

Babyroobs · 08/04/2024 23:08

I have my elderly dad living very close to us. When we retire in about four years time we would like to move to another area of the country but would not do it whilst my dad is alive. He would literally have no-one else.

EmmaEmerald · 08/04/2024 23:07

Considering what you’ve been through, I am very impressed at the generosity of spirit you show towards your mother.

But looking at the practicalities, if your mum has things happen like hospitalisations, are you going to feel obliged to rush down, or is there someone else who will deal with that kind of thing?

I’m not suggesting you should feel obliged or guilty. But on a deeply practical level, I wonder how it might impact you.

I have had several times over the years, where if I had been far away, it would have been difficult and inconvenient. Two hours was hard enough.

But I do realise that there are plenty of people managing in that situation.

And I do agree that your finances and mental health need to come first. So it’s just a question.

Cicciabella · 08/04/2024 23:02

Startingagainandagain · 08/04/2024 13:16

Move. Right now.

Put yourself and your kids first. I always think you own family (kids, partner) are the main priority rather than the expectations of elderly parents.

I see no reason why you should put your mental and physical health at risk and constantly struggle financially.

You gave your mother an opportunity to move with you and she said no.

You can't put yourself in a position where you might lose your house and mess your finances especially as you have a single income coming in.

Who is going to help with your own retirement? where is the money going to come from? having a home you can afford is key to your financial health.

You can't have 3 jobs and be expected to be the main carer for an elderly parent. That is simply not sustainable.

I think women are conditioned to put their needs always last and to try to care for everyone else but there is nothing 'selfish' about putting your own life first.

You nailed it here.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 08/04/2024 22:55

I’m also an active member of a group near where I’m hoping to move to

It’s an online community around my primary hobby I’ve been involved with for about 4 years. They have in person meet ups about half an hour from where I’d be relocating to.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyCedric · 08/04/2024 22:53

If it wasn’t for the money would you still want to move?

It’s something that has been on my mind for several years. I have just three friends locally, who are amazing but all have their own lives and commitments.

I have lots of friends spread across the country…the move would free me up financially to see more of lots of people. I’m also an active member of a group near where I’m hoping to move to and have a couple of friends and family members within 90 minutes drive.

I’ve researched the area and if I can get somewhere where I’m hoping to there’s a community centre and social club in walking distance than run activities I’d be interested in, and an organisation I’m keen to volunteer for a couple of miles away in the town centre.

Plus I’d still be working so hopefully meet people through that too.

OP posts: