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Elderly parents
Original poster

Would you move 250 miles away from your elderly, widowed parent?

190 replies

MintyCedric · 08/04/2024 11:50

Basically for cost of living reasons.

I’m divorced with a mortgage and kid in uni with potentially expensive career plans.

I have a decent amount of equity in my house and could at worst half my mortgage, at best not need one at all if I move (to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, but planned to
wait until Mum no longer an issue and DD settled).

Mum doesn’t want to move - she has friends here for support and doesn’t want to start again.

She can also be quite challenging wrt to our relationship…I can imagine if I move there will be crises every five minutes. But if I stay put I will have to work myself into the ground just to exist…and I’m nearly 50 and want to living not just existing.

Would you do If you live miles from your EP, how does it work for you?

OP posts:
everythingisgoingup · 19/04/2024 21:00

MintyCedric

Umm there is no ' right ' answer it is what you are happy to live iyswim

If she wants to stay and you want to go either; one of you compromises (gives in) or you both live with your choices and see what happens

Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/04/2024 20:16

@everythingisgoingup

Mum has always been there for me in the practical sense, but we are very different characters and our relationship can be very challenging.

OP posts:
everythingisgoingup · 19/04/2024 19:53

MintyCedric

Like you I am an only child and the responsibility weighs heavy 🙁

I would present your options to her and say what you are planning. Was your Mum there for you? (Apologies if you have already shared this)

Personally I probably would as you cannot live your life through others but my parents have always been quite selfish and were not great when i grew up.

MichaelatheMechanic · 19/04/2024 19:33

I know that your Mum doesn't want to move from where she is but have you actively brainstormed the problem with her?

The current set up works in the sense that you are five minutes around the corner but it doesn't work financially for you and you need to make a change. Everything you are considering at the moment involves moving a long way away which doesn't sit well with you.

Old age creeps up on people. She may be perfectly fine at the moment but as time goes on friends can fall away, they're less able to get out and they often end up at home alone. So many older people say they are lonely and this is so destructive to physical and mental health.

I don't think you have hit on the solution yet because you are so conflicted. Keep researching and discussing it with your Mum. The right solution will appear and you will know when it's right so don't frantically push to find it.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/04/2024 18:02

At the moment I’m 3 streets away so have my own space but can be there within 5 minutes I’m an emergency.

Financially I just don’t know how long that will be sustainable.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/04/2024 18:01

@MichaelatheMechanic I virtually lived on the Elderly Parents board from early 2019 until late 2021!

You are right, I know deep down it wouldn’t work. I’m just trying to mentally balance the implications of living with my mum versus the implications of living 250 miles away if it comes to the crunch.

As for the house - it’s lovely but downsizing to a traditional cottage/little stone terrace with a log burner was far more what I had in mind!

OP posts:
MichaelatheMechanic · 19/04/2024 17:44

You were thinking about moving 250 miles away from your Mum so I suspect you're more interested in the house rather than actually living with your Mum.

Spend a bit more time on the Elderly Parents board and you'll realise that living together is possibly the worst thing you can do. Keep them close but not that close!

Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/04/2024 17:25

I’m an only child. No other family aside from my DD who is away at uni, but some longstanding friends and a fabulous neighbour.

I work in a school and assuming I continued to do so if I move would be down for at least a long weekend every 6-8 weeks. It’s a long but very straightforward drive and would only really cost me in petrol.

OP posts:
muddyford · 19/04/2024 17:22

I want to move 300 miles to be nearer my elderly parents, but everyone's relationship is different.

Maddy70 · 19/04/2024 17:12

Yes if she had additional support around her do you have siblings or cousins that can call in? How often will you visit her? Will that then increase your costs considering fueletc?

annieloulou · 19/04/2024 17:11

No.
But I was an only child and my mum and I were very close. She died 5 years ago and I miss her every day.

I did feel “responsible “ as mum was widowed at 56 and there is no other family. She was still working then and had lots of friends.

As a only child you do feel a degree of responsibility though I think, but I was happy to take that responsibility on and didn’t begrudge it because she also helped me out with some childcare over the years and just in general. I think she was really my best friend. I feel very lucky to have had that closeness, although can acknowledge that at times it could be intense as she got older.

I lived approx 7 miles away, and have now actually moved into her house! But that is a whole other thread …..

Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/04/2024 17:00

@determinedtomakethiswork

I’m more than willing to acknowledge I may be having a moment of madness 😂

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 19/04/2024 16:48

Honestly, I don't think you should be living with your mum. I don't think that would make you happy at all.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/04/2024 16:42

Coldupnorth87 · 19/04/2024 16:36

That's lovely! Good size.

We could do it between us with no mortgage.

Tweak the kitchen and turn the utility into a full shower room. I’d have the kitchen/open plan living space. Mum could have the lounge and use the other reception room as her bedroom.

Ensuite bedroom each for me and DD, small bedroom as a dressing room and front left a hobbies/guest room.

I’d be at work during the week and do the bulk of the cooking. There’s some decent support/social groups for mum…

It didn’t work brilliantly before but maybe with less other stress and a bit more space it could work.

OP posts:
Coldupnorth87 · 19/04/2024 16:36

That's lovely! Good size.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/04/2024 16:12

Well, one of the local possibilities I was looking at is a no-go (a training contract for the job I’d ultimately like to do but don’t quite tick the previous qualification boxes for).

I’ve seen something else I might apply for over the weekend, and am working on a proposal for a new role with my current employer which would be the ideal.

In the short term it looks like an extra evening shift will be available in the next few weeks.

Meanwhile DD is having crappy first week back at uni and all I want to do is book a Travelodge and jump in the car, but I can’t. It’s this sort of thing that really pisses me off. Just not having enough of a cushion to do that. She’ll be fine and so will I, it’s not a major catastrophe, just frustrating.

I’m even starting to wonder if mum would come with me if we buy a place together. Have seen a lovely house in the right area that would give us both our own space.

OP posts:
Trappedwitheviledna · 19/04/2024 15:07

I’d probably be too scared to go but I think you should move. And if your DM actually cared about you she’d want you to move too.

Perfectlystill · 15/04/2024 19:09

I wouldn't. It's a very long way.

Orangesandlemons77 · 09/04/2024 20:55

MintyCedric · 09/04/2024 13:52

@Orangesandlemons77

There is a lot of resentment on my side already if I’m totally honest…both regarding historical stuff and particularly how she made everything so much harder when my dad was caring (wasn’t up to the job but refused to accept more carers, expected me to take over everything she couldn’t/wouldn’t do but then interfered constantly…if it had just been me and dad it still would have been horrible but nowhere near as complex and stressful as it was).

On the day to day I’ve made peace with a lot of it, but the ongoing situation with dad’s former carer is like a constantly running sore, and I can’t help feel if she’d more supportive of certain things when I was younger instead of trying to control the narrative I’d be in a very different financial/career situation now.

OK well that sounds like you need to have strong boundaries in place considering the past in case the same kind of thing happens again. Moving might be helpful with this. I know I live away from my (divorced) but similar parents. Best wishes with it.

Bonbonnes · 09/04/2024 20:09

MintyCedric · 08/04/2024 22:53

If it wasn’t for the money would you still want to move?

It’s something that has been on my mind for several years. I have just three friends locally, who are amazing but all have their own lives and commitments.

I have lots of friends spread across the country…the move would free me up financially to see more of lots of people. I’m also an active member of a group near where I’m hoping to move to and have a couple of friends and family members within 90 minutes drive.

I’ve researched the area and if I can get somewhere where I’m hoping to there’s a community centre and social club in walking distance than run activities I’d be interested in, and an organisation I’m keen to volunteer for a couple of miles away in the town centre.

Plus I’d still be working so hopefully meet people through that too.

Tbf that all sounds great and really well thought out. Really quite exciting in fact 😊I think Îd look around for rented supported living flats for DM maybe she could cope with a few more years with you living at a distance but when she came to visit you you could go and have a look round flats together and when/ if push came to shove she could perhaps move to one.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/04/2024 17:49

TammyOne · 08/04/2024 14:09

Who is going to help with your own retirement? where is the money going to come from? having a home you can afford is key to your financial health.
You can't have 3 jobs and be expected to be the main carer for an elderly parent. That is simply not sustainable.

Hard agree with this.

I’ve just been on RightMove and seen a house roughly in the area I’m considering (in the neighbouring suburb to my first choice).

If I could get something similar when the time comes, and a job on the same salary as I’m currently on, I would go from struggling to having no debts, and either no mortgage, or a small mortgage of £100pcm which would be paid off by the time I’m 60, and a cushion of £8-10k in savings.

It’s quite mindblowing to think that could be a possibility.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/04/2024 17:49

' to a place I’ve fancied living for a long time, '

your mum doesn't want to move, that's fine - that's her choice, she doesn't live with you, you don't live with her.

so move to where you choose to move.

if mum changes her mind in the future then she can move.

otherwise if she needs it she can have carers etc or move to a residential home if she owns or she can move to rented that has extra help etc.

move now whilst you are young enough to find another job.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/04/2024 17:34

@MysterOfwomanY

Haha…ironically I would be moving from a hard water to a soft water area.

I shall tell mother it’s for health reasons 😂

OP posts:
MysterOfwomanY · 09/04/2024 16:21

@MintyCedric I remember you going through it all with your Dad...

A side note with the eczema, we live in a hard water area and got a softener, and as a side effect my eczema practically vanished. So if the move is to a soft water area or frees up money to get a softener - there's that
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