Cleaning and personal hygiene

Same with my lovely old relative. He can't see the dirt.
Doesn't want me to vacuum, says he has booked a cleaner/ she has just been/ that I am too fussy.
I was trying to overlook it.
Until the infestations.
I now have nightmares about insects and am washing everything at 60 degrees.
I try not to eat in the flat. I bring my own food and drink because there's a constant serious risk of e coli.
I need a large print book or poster called "Hygiene for the very old". i am sure someone has written it. just need tp find it.

Mum is the same, doesnt see dust, doesnt see dirty counter tops, dirty table and her bathroom is grosse

She lives with me , has her own bedroom, sitting room and bathroom. So yes I obviously i keep the kitchen and shared areas clean and whilst Ive the vaccum on I go in and do her floors, but I have to whizz in and out of her bathroom to get that hygienic when shes away getting her hair or feet done. She doesnt like me to do it, she thinks shes keeping up with it. Dust, she can live with that, she has too much clutter for me to be taking that on as well

Some older people definitely get more stubborn as they get older. They also seem to want to do only what they want to do instead of what needs doing eg your father wanting to do the gardening not housework. I find myself going that way myself and I'm only in my sixties.
Also can view having help round the house as a sign of loss of agency and a lack of moral fibre, my own very fit mid eighties mother did when I suggested getting someone in to mow her huge lawns after my father died, even though by then I was doing them for her, she was still doing all the rest of the garden. It was seemingly fine for me to do it but getting someone in was just beyond the pale because they'd never needed help before( work that one out). It took me bursting into tears and saying I couldn't do it any more as well as my own for her to reluctantly agree.
As Quentin Crisp said, after 4 years the dust doesn't get worse. It won't harm your father even though it might look awful.
If he refuses a cleaner could you stick some bleach down the loo when you go round for hygiene. Otherwise let him have a dirty house, he's not bothered. Obviously if it becomes an actual health hazard you will need to be more vociferous about him getting help in.

I'd be a bit wary of getting a Roomba for an elderly person. What if he tripped over it and injured himself?

I think focus on what's really important OP. A bit of dust isn't going to kill him, but not cleaning his teeth is obviously a bigger issue. I can't understand why he didn't notice that he didn't have any toothpaste though and go and get some! A week is a long time to go without cleaning your teeth. Is his memory okay? Does he make a shopping list?

But yes I would say its fairly common for elderly ppl to let hygiene slip.

I think pick your battles. If he wants to live in a dirty house - fine. But make sure he has toothpaste / cleans his teeth , if that's possible.
As for the toilet - if it was me if would do a quick spray and wipe clean of that before using it.

Kitchen and bathroom, I can see that. Maybe help him to declutter so he can easily wipe sides etc. You can bulk buy toothpaste very cheaply on Amazon so he never runs out. Forget the dust, it's unlikely to kill him.

Maybe he would like a Roomba? DH would never dust if left to himself, but loves the Roomba. He makes a big to-do about emptying, cleaning the brushes etc.

My mum's standards have definitely dropped from the immaculate home she insisted on when we were kids so maybe it's normal?

She doesn't clean in between the cleaner's fortnightly visits so every time I'm in the kitchen I start by cleaning all the surfaces and the hob/microwave (oven is beyond my abilities). She always says not to bother and that it doesn't need doing.

Would your dad let you organise a cleaner for him?

Same here 😒😆. I first suggested he get a cleaner back in the 90s.

Diggerfisher yeah I get that. The older they are the more stubborn they become x

My dad is late 70's and exactly the same....he does give the house a good hoover once a fortnight. The dust tho.....🤢 But credit to him he's had to do absolutely everything when my mum was ill. I think people get set in their ways at a certain age. Maybe suggest a home help for a couple of hours a week??

I think too by the time you get to your late 80s eyesight is not great and you miss a lot. My DM (mid 70s) just doesn't SEE a lot of filth that she used to. She's never exactly been house-proud and she hates the idea of a stranger in her house 'poking around' 🙄but her idea of cleaning the bathroom is not the same idea as mine! There is just dust EVERYWHERE and I don't think she sees it.

He's in his late 80s. I think by this point it all just gets too much. My relative is 85 and used to be very houseproud. Not they just can't be arsed any more.
I would either go in and do it myself or organise a cleaner.

My DF won’t clean, won’t have a cleaner, and I’m certainly not doing it for him, so he lives in a dirty house.