Cleaning and personal hygiene

My DM's house is similar. I've lost count of the amount of times I've cleaned it. She won't have a cleaner, too frivolous apparently and when I suggested it she accused me of spending all her money. I refuse to do it any more. It's a health hazard, but if she wants to live like that, then so be it. I just avoid eating or drinking anything while I'm there.

Eyesight, poor mobility, lack of energy. Being elderly happens to most of us, so understanding is better than condemnation.

Doesn’t look as if lack of cleaning has yet affected his health. OP doesn’t mention his frequent bouts of food poisoning and d&v.

Provided a good daily wash is happening, a weekly bath or shower is fine. And while you should change underclothes daily, there’s no need to wash everything else daily.

My father has had 3 showers in the last 4 years. He’s perfectly clean and doesn’t smell. Showers aren’t fun when you get older. You can no longer nip quickly through that cold bit at the edge of the spray.

Partly eyesight, they just don't see the dirt, stains etc. Partly, with mine anyway, fewer 'anchor' points each week so they remember they did clean but fail to realise how long ago that was, to them they've done it why would it need doing again so soon.

Dust builds up gradually and living there all the time he won't see a dramatic difference.

Is he taller than you? You'll see things he doesn't because of the height difference.

Less energy. He'll do the things he wants to do but there isn't much spare energy for anything else. Bearing in mind they can get to the point when having a shower or bath is too much effort.

Don't know how far he got with looking into getting a cleaner, but price reference points are really adrift for one of mine (see also cost of buying a hot drink in a cafe!). Bearing in mind a cleaner where I live is at least £20 an hour. Mine still thinks in terms of about £5 an hour, so assigns £20 a month. An hour's cleaning a month doesn't achieve much...

In order to control the shit in the bathroom and dirty kitchen counters, I’d give him a few packs of antibac wipes. You don’t need more than the one item (ie no sprays, cloths etc)if you use wipes and you can just stick them in the bin afterwards. It might help him keep it a little bit cleaner with almost no effort.

The garden may be the one place he can pretend his wife is still alive, an empty house when you have lost your wife/husband isn’t a place to spend time in.

Yeah it’s hard to stay on top of the cleaning and hygiene in your 80s.

He may also be suffering loneliness and depression as a fairly recent widower which would compound the issue. Especially since you said his wife used to do the cleaning so every time he cleans, he is reminded of her absence and no doubt the trauma of her going into a home and dying before him. The lack of self care is concerning.

I doubt he wants to live in a dirty home or wants to have poor hygiene.

My parents, rich as Croesus, refused to get a cleaner. They went from having a ridiculously clean home, to one that was anything but (they were about 90 by this stage so possibly didn’t see the dust etc). They also thought a daily wash and just a weekly bath or shower was sufficient, as though it was war time. Ditto wearing clothes for a few days rather than once.

My h and I cleaned every weekend and mowed the lawns etc, but it was with a modicum of resentment as they had more money than they knew what to do with.

I agree OP.
I don't think it's dignified to get into such a state.
I am thinking of getting a friend to take my relative out so I can vacuum.

If I were in my late 80s no way would I be spending the time when I felt up to activity doing something as tedious as cleaning if I could do something I enjoyed instead. The cleaning is your priority, not his. He's clearly not that bothered about it being grimy and would prefer to spend what remains of his life doing something he enjoys.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

That sounds good OP - hopefully he will accept it, if only to placate you, and then come to appreciate the place being cleaner.

@TeaAndStrumpets thats a very good point - things being of interest. Dh will do diy and do it right first time, me? I’m more of a get it done quick not necessarily using the proper equipment, as although I love the results, I hate and have zero interest in the process - which is the bit that interests Dh. Guess we just have to accept that we compliment each others interests. 🤔🤣

Also, I think some men must see things their wives used to do as a bit unnecessary. FIL died age 94 after seven years alone. He stopped excessive cleaning and for some reason stopped sending DGC Easter egg money. He obviously saw it as from her, not him, therefore it was a chore he could give up. He treated himself to a very nice new car once he could suit himself! But the house was not of interest to him.

@Alphabet1spaghetti2 Yes it is ALWAYS quicker to do it myself, and I used to when I was young and fit! It's the slight raised eyebrow at being asked to do (to him) unnecessary cleaning. He will do it, but just to humour me. TBF we never washed our cars much, so agree on some things!

It sounds like he needs a cleaner, and he might be more open to that if you spell out that they will only do specific areas (eg kitchen, bathroom, hall and stairs). Many people don't like the idea of someone poking around the house, but will accept certain spaces. Also older people may be cautious of being preyed on, and they are not wrong about that, so you being involved in hiring a cleaner might make him more willing.

Yeah I have to say this resonates with me. My DF is 86 and we lost my DM 9 years ago. He is pretty good at cooking and eats well/ healthy. He has a really great cleaner who comes weekly and also changes the bed for him but OMFG his house is a bloody tip. Books and papers everywhere, old bits of projects he starts and never finishes, tools, nuts and bolts over all the tables, surfaces. He never does any washing up between his cleaner coming and his kitchen is always a mess. His fridge is a health hazard ( recently found yogurts at the back that were three years out of date!

His carpets and sofas need cleaning but every time I suggest a company to do it he says he will get round to it. I should say he is wealthy and has more than enough money to pay for home
Improvements.

He spends hours in his garden but it still looks like a rubbish tip.

He seems to wear the same jumper and trousers every time
I see him- he has loads of decent clothes and tells us not to buy him any more but he just won't wear them so he walks about looking like Compo from Last of the Summer Wine!

Any attempt me and my DBro make to help him tidy up results in it reverting to a tip a week later. So we have just given up as it is a total waste of time. Sigh...

Eyesight is definitely a factor . Plus an inability to crouch down to clean low surfaces . Lack of energy too .It all gets overwhelming for them.With my parents the solution was to pay a cleaner for my house whilst I did theirs!

Maybe he thinks he's nearly 90 and a bit of dirt hasn't killed him yet, he might feel its all a bit pointless as it will only get dirty again. I can understand why he doesn't want anyone in the house but maybe he might agree if you arrange it for him with someone you know.

@TeaAndStrumpets my Dh will clean properly if I show and ask him too. (So I do it myself as it’s quicker!)
So is it a convincing act to just get out of doing it?
or is it a viewpoint/mindset, as Dh says, the dust isn’t doing anyone any harm (eg skirting boards!) or costing money sitting there (eg dust on mantlepiece) and doesn’t get any deeper past a certain point (eg garage floors/dust/leaves etc)
Whilst I see the logic in his counterpoints, I just can’t be comfortable in his level of (non) cleaning, whilst he is comfortable with my higher (imo) standards.
I suspect most men probably secretly harbour the same views regarding dirt, coupled with poor visions and the universal blinkers which means you just don’t see how bad it’s got after awhile. This latter one certainly applies to me too with certain things like cleaning the exterior of my car, I just don’t see the dirt after 6months of autumn/winter then have that omg moment.

My Nan was the same, and it turned out she couldn't see the crumbs/stains that were all over her house and clothes. Several times I pointed out that a jumper was dirty and she would look at it but was unable to see the stain.

Yes maybe a male thing @Alphabet1spaghetti2 DH never sees dust. He does all the cooking these days and the area round the hob and prep areas gets wiped down every time, but other worktops in the kitchen accumulate non-kitchen clutter and he never touches them.

You could sit him down and have that conversation and he might agree to do more himself but I would bet my house it won't happen in reality.

Dh is the same and he’s only in his 60s. I have always thought it’s just a male condition. I do agree with the eyesight issue though as I’ve noticed I don’t clean as well if I’m not wearing my reading glasses!

This. I've been around this merry go round with my dad many times and have finally jumped off it.

He's lived alone for almost 30 years after being widowed. He's always been a slob but has always paid a cleaner. She retired a few years ago and he won't have anyone else. His house is exactly as the OP describes her father's.

I've tried sorting a cleaner, he won't have it. He has plenty of cash but is getting very stingy in his old age and is also paranoid that everyone is trying to rip him off. He'd much rather I just did it for him. The state of the house is revolting and he minimises it. Whenever I clean it for him he tells me he's just done that when it's absolutely pigging. In his defence I think his eyesight is poor and makes it hard for him, but he's a slob and he can afford to pay someone to do all this for him but refuses. I've got a full time job and a house and family of my own, I refuse to do this for him. So he just lives in filth.

Sorry I have no answers OP. I will be following with interest to see if someone else has the solution