Why is there so much stigma around 'putting them in a home'?

@Sittingontheporch "Thank you again. It's all quite live for me because an old friend of mine visited my mother with her mother."

Oh my God. I had a long reply typed out. But then I saw this.... I can completely imagine what the feedback was from there and what your feelings were like.

it is awful when people get involved who are upset to see a friend or a loved one going into a care home. Unfortunately some people are just massively against it. No matter what quality of care is provided.

My mother has been in a private care home twice for respite and the care was excellent - though of course she has complaints re laundry etc.

But yeah, the opinion of people like your friend and her mum is going to be incredibly upsetting. Sometimes you actually just have to say "okay, they think I'm selfish - so what? Let them think that".

I have not exactly fallen out with some people, but I think there are some people who don't like me anymore. They were family friends and they felt that I could be doing 100 times more to avoid respite care for my mother.

I had a nervous breakdown over it all. Sadly in the modern age, those words don't seem to have the impact they used to have. I think some people think it means that you threw the toys out of your pram one day and couldn't cope but were back to normal the next day.

But actually it was a very long term damaging health problem.

And even then, when of some of these people saw me they said "oh but you look fine" so there is definitely judgement there. Unfortunately you have to shake off the judgement. Because this is your life - and speaking of someone who is single and childfree by choice, I was never prepared to sacrifice chunks of my life for anybody.

If that makes me selfish, so be it.

I no longer speak to anybody about these problems because I am sick to death of things being presented to me as being helpful.

you have my sympathies, but best advice I can give is "stuff what others think".

My parents have said similar. I've seen the toll caring for a parent takes on people. And my parents wouldn't want that.

I’m glad the GP was so helpful, OP.

I think there is a stigma. I think a lot of it is guilt and projection, and also in the case of people who have not had to deal with it directly, a lack of realism.

Sometimes a care home is the least worst option. My mother has dementia and has been in a care home for several years, they have all the necessary skills and equipment to make what remains of her life as comfortable as possible. And when she was still able to voice an opinion, she said she loved it there.

I did the same calculations as you did, and found it was cheaper for her to move to a care home, so her money considerably longer and Social Services only started paying for her care recently.

Fortunately my mother’s friends lived nearby and saw her deterioration first hand, so were in full agreement a care home was needed. We have no other relatives so I had no one to share the decision with - which in retrospect is a relief. It was hard making the decision but I had no one disagreeing or giving me grief about it.

(I always refer to it as ‘I moved my mother to a care home’ rather than ‘put her in a care home’.)

My dad died when I was a teenager so it fell to me to look after my elderly nan who swiftly developed horrible dementia, I had no choice but to care home her and it was honestly horrific, I would rather die than go into one myself. I wish I could've taken care of her though, but I had no choice, I couldn't do it on my own.

I've seen very judgy posts on MN about social care being in crisis because not enough people care for their elderly relatives, and that people would absolutely care for their relatives when the time comes.

I think part of it comes from previous generations when a) there was more intergenerational living and b) life expectancy was shorter and people died of now treatable conditions....so now they live longer with many more complex needs.

And i think there is a naivety about just how much is involved in caring for someone. It's not just laying an extra place at the table, cooking a meal, doing the washing, shopping etc, taking them out in a wheel chair.

Often people need virtually as much care as a baby or toddler....but are fully grown adults. My dad needed care at the end of his life. If he fell, (even though he was probably only 9 stone) I couldn't lift him, I wasn't able to change a catheter or put a clean pair of incontinence pants on him. Even if you made him food he would forget to eat it. Then transporting him to various appointments. (One day it took 20 minutes for him to work out how to get out of the car)

OP - pp have already said about a time when people weren’t treated well. “putting in a home“ also has the connotation of a past time when people with disabilities were sent to an institution and never spoken of again. Implications these days that by placing them in a home you are abandoning them.

family members who are against the idea are welcome to step up and provide the necessary full time care. Otherwise, care homes are the right solution for many elderly people and I know if I could get my mum to agree to it she’d thrive due to the stimulation. And as a pp said, I could spend quality time visiting, not running round like a blue arsed fly doing necessary tasks. As it is I’m waiting for a crisis to force the issue.

All I'd say, OP, is do some research in your area around homes your LA do fund placements in so that when the money runs out they're less likely to move her.

Similarly, don't pick one that is £1600pw but more 'reasonable' so the money lasts longer and she is less likely to have to move.

If she couldn’t afford it, you’d seek LA support. She wouldn't be able to choose the more expensive homes, but in any other home she’d get the same care as the self-funders.

If the LA didn’t think she needed a home, then they would fund up to 4 carer visits a day.

she’d have a financial assessment and would have to contribute unless income and savings were low.

At £1800 a week, they do. @funnelfan

Are you volunteering to look after your gran instead then? Homes don’t generally accept residents with capacity who don’t want to be there.

We left it and left it until it became apparent that neither MIL and FIL could cope in a 4 bedroom detached with double garage in the middle of nowhere. FIL didn't want a dementia diagnosis and now finally has one after years of waiting. But what we didn't see was MIL was worse than he was. We moved them into assisted living in December after a few incidents and her asking for help and it just went downhill from then on. We believe they've been masking it in their home and when moved it became apparent that they could not function properly.

We tried to get an assessment for MIL and did the usual urine infection tests, cat scan etc. We had to put her into another home for respite from him as we thought she couldn't cope with him but they couldn't cope with her. They put in place an emergency DOLS and she got a diagnosis of dementia that same day after waiting for months. She is now in a dementia care home and is fighting with other patients etc. She's just fallen off the edge of a cliff so rapidly- delusional, violent.

Its been a total shock how quickly this has come about but she cannot go back to FIL so it had to be a specialist care home. I'd never judge anyone until you are living it and even then you do what you feel is best in an awful situation

My Mum had Alzheimer's and spent the last couple of years of her life in a nursing home. She needed round the clock care to keep her safe and we weren't in a position to provide that as a family. It was absolutely exhausting and very traumatic for everyone, especially my Dad who was barely sleeping and was neglecting his own health. Everyone in the family was better off once Mum was getting the level of care she actually needed. And in fact when she still had capacity my Mum,who was a very proud and private person had said that she didn't want me or my sister providing personal care for her but she would accept nurses or carers doing it as they were professionals so it actually was what she preferred.
Of course my sister and I got lots of criticism, largely from people who have no experience of caring for a loved one with dementia, but it was water off a ducks back as far as I was concerned. We made a decision as a family which we knew was the right one and I don't really care what anyone else thinks. Of course nobody ever wants to be in a position where a decision of this type is needed sadly it does happen and there are definitely situations when residential care is the best option available. Anyone who can't recognise that is, at best, lacking in imagination.

My dad recently put my Nan in a home and I think he's a total POS but that's because she doesn't need to be in one.

I've already told my child that if I need a great deal of care, he's to find me a nice home and not feel guilty about it, even if I'm not happy about it at the time as my permission now over-rules that.

My father (and my poor Mum) really suffered due to him not moving to a home early enough.

Yep, it is something that is widely recognised in elderly care medicine - a distant family member, usually a son, visits at Christmas, discovers mum is not as well as she was when they last saw her in 2017, and drag her up to be hospital “because something must be done”.

Then you meet the daughter who has been doing all of mum’s personal care, and discover that this has been a steady and consistent decline over the past five years, fully investigated by GP and community geriatrician, and irreversible. Son storms for a bit then goes back home, daughter is left to pick up the pieces with mum’s new delirium from her pointless hospital admission.

This is what your Mum and Dad wanted and planned for. Yes it will be a difficult adjustment for her/you all but better for her to move now while she has mental capacity and wants to go, rather than wait it out to the bitter end when she may be unable to settle in and make friends without significant upset. Or worse still to your point above, when there are no longer the funds to make it a destination that you are all comfortable with.

I agree with others, ignore the unhelpful comments from people who don’t realize the day-to-day reality of caring for someone with complex needs.

My DH’s grandma also had advanced dementia and once stayed in a home for a few weeks whilst recovering from pneumonia. She liked it and became more alert due to the increased interaction. My FIL and his sister advocated to move her there permanently, but their brother objected and said that she could be cared for in her home. It just got harder, she took to wandering off, etc.

Your mother has capacity to make this decision and will enjoy being closer to you. Yes, she’ll lose some space and possessions, but she’ll be far safer and can see you more frequently. It sounds like a good decision for her. 💐

I am assuming you have PoA so there's no legal issue with the move. All you can do is whatever is best for their wellbeing and safety. It is a balancing act, but as she has already expressed that she would like to be in a care home, you shouldn't feel bad about it. It can be hard to find a good match though and you will need a home with specialist dementia care. You can get info on the CQC with ratings to get a starting list.

I am live in for my elderly parent who has dementia. We have discussed at which point we would be looking at care homes. In our case, it is if either of us is put in physical danger as the dementia progresses or if my parent needs a level of care that can't be provided in a home environment. It's a difficult situation, but trust your own judgement.

Maybe change it instead of “put into a home” to “giving my mother the care and support she needs”. It cost an absolute fortune to have a parent in a care home, I think people who can’t afford it see it negatively to alleviate their own discomfort over not being able to afford that level of care for their parent.