Why is there so much stigma around 'putting them in a home'?

I'm not sure society does judge people harshly when their elderly relatives move into a care home. When it is necessary, it is a generous and logical thing to do.

My experiences are from my dm, df, and several elderly aunts. Each in their turn was adamant that they didn't want to go into a home. They were all fiercely independent, regarded the suggestion as an insult and reluctant even to allow a cleaner into their homes.

My dad and my aunts all stayed at home until their last weeks, followed by a very short stay in hospital. We managed by organising for them to have a daily visitor - cleaner, gardener, home chiropodist, hair dresser, Farm Foods, plus an alarm button. I or a sibling visited at weekends. We created a routine for them that gave them a reason to be up and dressed, and meant someone would notice if something wasn't quite right.

I persuaded my dm to go to a care home for a two week recuperation after a heart op on the basis that she would get three meals a day cooked for her, no chores and she could relax and heal properly. She lasted 6 hours and got a cab home. 😁

But none of them had dementia and all were reasonably mobile, just frail and less able to cook & clean for themselves.

It's a difficult time. You can only do your best, and ignore the judgement of anyone who isn't sharing the responsibility.

There is a stigma because it's a woman issue.

you can bet your bottom dollar no only child son with no wife and two teen children is being guilt tripped because he has decided Mum has to go in a home. nobody expects him to cut his hours at work or run himself ragged to look after Mum.

the reality is that women are the face of elderly care and society is horrified and appalled when women don't want to look after others. Just look at the bile heaped on women who "selfishly" decide to only have one child or no children. Or women that walk out of relationships and leave their children. Society cannot accept women who won't fit into the mould. So subconsciously women are pressured to take on caring roles whether they want to or not and regardless of the personal cost to them and their nuclear family. This may be unconscious as it's so ingrained into us.

basically Women ! Know Your Place

@foxandbee yes she has capacity to be at home. She had a fall and broke her hip and never went back to her flat. I'm NC with my dad so there's a long story there. In short she's in a home because he doesn't want to do more / anything for her she honestly lives 20 yards from his front door. Very very sad excuse for a son

This is very true and very annoying.

Also when the time comes that the move is necessary the person themselves probably cannot make an informed sensible decision because emotionally the acceptance of one's loss of independence is distressing. Even if they do still have capacity.

Choose a good place and try not to feel guilty.

Because elderly people can be fucking stubborn and often don't know what's best for them.

A relative of mine recently moved voluntarily into a care home. It's costing the earth but the care, food and environment is really excellent.
Not all care homes are awful!

I often wonder if younger generations will get less of these comments. Because honestly, setting aside everything else for a second, how do people think it works financially? It's absolutely bizarre. People have to work! It's so weird, this expectation that everyone would just magically make giving up their job or reducing their hours work financially, just because it's in order to provide care.

@Sittingontheporch I'm really glad you started this thread. I'm a carer for elderly DM - she has advanced Parkinson's with dementia. She has carers going in during the day but everything else is down to me - medical appointments, shopping, all bills and admin, hair, teeth, dealing with the multiple agencies involved in her care. And honestly, it's kind of killing me. She is also very emotionally needy. And things are hanging together by a thread. But a couple of months back we started looking at residential homes and had some of the comments you have referred to. "Have you thought of converting the conservatory into a bedroom?" etc lots of well-meaning suggestions that would have involved me giving up my job and more or less any time on our own as a family (I also have teen DC), adapting our house and whole lives around DM's care.

Anyway, I digress, with DM she had a traumatic childhood and very little time in a family home and therefore has always been appalled by the idea of a care home because to her it just represents another abandonment. So I can't face the idea of moving her to one because I know she would hate it so much. But the upshot of that is that a huge amount of my time is spent meeting her needs and other areas of my life are suffering. I'm at her flat most days at the moment. I'd be lying if I said I didn't resent her a bit for that.

I think a good care home can be an excellent solution and I hope that, if I get to the point where I need a high level of care in later life, my DC will not feel the slightest bit of guilt about me moving to one.

This is me, too. I have insisted.

The professional care and support therein is better for ALL concerned, without a doubt.

The number of people who have an opinion on this when it's absolutely 0 to do with them...

If people are rude enough to say anything, feel free to bite back.

I am very familiar with the family friends who haven't laid eyes on your loved one in years or decades, but who rush to visit as soon as there is a possible juicy drama change in the air. And then they are confronted uncomfortably with the reality of ageing and perhaps their own fragility, and they aren't very emotionally intelligent, so they project those fears outside themselves. I have to say that in her time my own mum was absolutely notorious for this herself. Happily for me, she ws always trying to make other people move into a nursing home, which certainly made it easier when the time came to recognise she was not able to live independently.

I am anticipating some barbed comments from cousins at my mum's funeral, because it has happened at other family funerals. I have adopted the southern American phrase 'bless your heart' which I like to think in a crisp RP accent is particularly cutting.

@DuesToTheDirt My MIL spent years caring for elderly parents, whilst having children. It was I am sure a burden for her. There was no one to share the burden. No carers.

There is often no choice.
But there is stigma because most homes are not great places to be.

My mother is in a care home, and I often wonder what we would do if she weren't. Historically, I suppose someone would have to not work and be the full time carer, with the decrease in income and lifestyle that goes with that. Perhaps if there were other family members nearby the load could be shared. Maybe in the past, with lower life expectancy and more children around to help, caring was less of a burden - though maybe it wasn't. After all, some younger adults spent years bedridden or incapacitated with TB or other problems. Perhaps if you didn't have substantial means it could lead to poverty and death.

I've had to ignore the opinions of a couple of people who did actually care for their parents extensively.

It took me a long time to accept it - but basically they were able to cope and I was not. I had to stop asking myself "why is it that they can manage and I can't?"

I think another reason we don't hear the stories that might be reassuring, is because many people simply do not want to talk about it.

I haven't been on this board for a while for exactly that reason! Mostly I try to forget about it.

Goodness knows! The people who criticise usually have no idea how hard it is to be a carer, especially for someone with dementia. The number one priority has to be keeping the person safe, and thus a care home is by far the best solution. Just ignore the critics.

I would take the opinions of someone who is not yet facing the crisis of looking after a parent with a Linux of salt.

Lots of people have hypothetical opinions on what they would and wouldn't do, but find they choose to do something quite different when the situation becomes a reality.

Does your nan have capacity? Has she been moved into a care home against her will? If so, why would your dad do such a thing?

@KalaMush Snap. My parents said the same.

Fortunately, dad didn't live long enough to see this stage. I can't imagine how he would've coped with old age.

But my mother changed her mind. She also completely forgets what has happened over the years.

So she will often say to me "why are you worried about X".

And I'll point out all the times that X actually happened....and she doesn't remember. She doesn't have dementia or anything.

I also think she lacks the ability to realise what the impact is on me every time some sort of health crisis or hospitalisation happens.

I hear this all the time from my mother.’ I would have never seen your nana be put in a home’ Yes she bloody would. She did diddly squat for her while she was alive. Everybody who puts a relative in a home is awful according to her. I get it, she is projecting her own fear and I am sympathetic because let’s face it I might feel the same one day. Sometimes there is no choice especially with complex needs. Not everyone is cut out for caring or has the space or time. Nobody should be made to feel guilty. You have to do what is right for your family and ignore the comments.

Partly for older people, particularly from a working class background, there was stigma attached to 'being put in the workhouse' which later became public assistance institutions, which often then became
hospitals or care homes. My eldest elderly relatives are still just about old enough to remember these functioning and the stigma carried on even after they closed.

Partly amongst those who haven't had to provide care or deal with the reality of a very frail elderly person, they just don't have a clue what's involved. The comments are probably well meaning, but they're imagining a nice little old lady who sits quietly in the corner, doesn't bother anyone, joins in family meals etc. There is no awareness of lack of mobility meaning they can fall on a flat surface, let alone with a trip hazard or toys around, the 24/7 nature of caring for someone with dementia, the potential for violence, dealing with double incontinence, the how to get them washed and dressed when no longer mobile.

Please please ignore the unhelpful comments. We've been there. DHs mum became very unwell physically and mentally in her late sixties and had to move to a care home. This was after we tried extra carers coming into her own home and then a sheltered housing unit. She just needed 24/7 care. We had just had DD1 and a large mortgage and like most people in their late thirties nowadays we were just keeping ourselves financially afloat never mind one of us giving up work to be a fulltime carer. Anyway the amount of people who felt the need to offer unsolicited advice was unbelievable. I think it also stems from people having a frail unwell elderly grandparent in their life but that person is otherwise fine and has all their faculties and they can't get their heads around your situation being so different

@DeltaAlphaDelta79 @Toddlerteaplease my mum always said the same - she's been saying it for years and years, after going through a very difficult time with her own mum. But now, she's suddenly started saying that actually she wants to stay in her own home for as long as possible.

At the moment she's perfectly ok and doesn't need any care. But the change in narrative has somewhat blindsided me, as when I was growing up she was so very vocal about wanting to go into a care home and not be a burden for me and my brother.

I can only assume that previously it seemed far off in the future, and now it's a bit more real (she's 82) she doesn't like the idea of it.

DH and I have two busy jobs and three DC and live an hour away. If she does need significant care at some point, it's going to be more of a moral dilemma than I was expecting

I have poa for both my parents so ultimately it was me that put my lovely mam in a home and not my dad. He feels guilty but I don’t, I had a duty of care to them both and my dad would be dead by now. She is well cared for, she’d have gone to dignitas or taken her own life but she ‘forgot’. I don’t want my kids to look after me either. Guilt doesn’t help anyone-so call out anyone that gives ‘helpful’ suggestions.