Why is there so much stigma around 'putting them in a home'?

Because you're talking nonsense. Blaming someone for not doing what you want them to do. Your Dad doesn't have to give up his own life to become a carer if he doesn't want to. Nobody has to do that. It doesn't make the person a bad person if they don't want to be a carer. How close he lives is irrelevant. So he wouldn't have travelling time and fuel costs, big deal. He'd still have to do all the work involved in caring for someone and running their life. It's physically demanding and takes a lot of time.

The only way your Dad could have sold your Nan's flat against her will was if he had power of attorney for finances. Even then, legally he has to make decisions that are in your Nan's best interests. If you or your Nan didn't/don't think it was in her best interests, either of you could have spoken out to the authorities at the time or at any time afterwards. Since your Dad hasn't been prosecuted for selling your Nan's flat, it must have been deemed to be in her best interests then.

The fact she had a flat and it was sold doesn't change the fact that if she has mental capacity and physical capability to care for herself, there's nothing to stop your Nan from renting a flat and moving out of the care home now. Most flats don't cost £1800/wk in rent, she'd have plenty left over for bills and going out. I'm guessing she hasn't done this because the care home probably is the best place for her to be.

@funnelfan no thanks I'll take her for her word. I visit weekly / twice weekly and see her mobility. Leaving this thread now.
Not proving anything to the OP everyone's situation is different. I'd of done anything to care for my mum in old age so I come at this from a very different view point to most.

Thanks for this thread sittingontheporch. I’m mid way through my lasting power of attorney forms for health and money. I’m 75 tomorrow, my husband died recently. We’d got onto his LPA when he became ill - you’ve prompted me to finish mine.

we Cared for our parents so have good understanding of what’s involved. I wanted to bring my mum in law to live with us wheel cancer meant she qualified for end of life care - 18 weeks life expectancy. She’d lived in her own home with our support till them. No dear, she said - you’re very happy and I won’t wreck that. She’d cared for her father for several years.
she went into a nursing home 2 miles fro us. We visited daily as did our daughters/partners. She died 12 weeks later.

I don’t want to lose my independence and I don’t want my lovely daughters lives dominated by my increasing needs.
dont feel shame x

I think you’re proving the OP’s fears about judgy people quite well there. As I said It doesn’t matter what she was capable of prior to breaking her hip, it’s what she can do now that matters. If she’s had a prolonged hospital stay after breaking her hip and some respite care in a nursing home then it is very likely she’s deconditioned enough to warrant being in a home, particularly if she wasn’t assessed as being safe at home with a care package.

It’s also very common for elderly people to vastly overestimate their own capabilities, so I’d take whatever she’s telling you about it with a pinch of salt.

My mother is the opposite to most. She has always told me to out her in a home when needed! She doesn't want to hold us back and would hate us to feel bad about doing it. Thankfully she is 80 this year and still with it!

It's people with no lived experience. If you have a family member with advanced dementia it can be the safest and best place for them.

It doesn’t matter what she was capable of prior to breaking her hip, it’s what she can do now.

My dad could have cooked her a meal at dinner time

And what about breakfast and lunch? Cups of tea and snacks? Who would do the food shopping plus toiletries and household items such as toilet roll and cleaning supplies?

ran the hoover round for her

who would clean the toilet and bathroom and kitchen? Wipe down the surfaces in the rest of the flat? Do her laundry? Do any necessary maintenance?

picked up prescriptions

who would order those prescriptions? Take her to the doctor for her check ups, and make sure she’s taking the medication at the right time and dose?

You have no idea.

I think it's a stigma left over from the days when homes were pretty awful. Back in the 1970s-1990's they weren't great, and that is what people who are now elderly grew up seeing if they had elderly relations who were 'in a home'.

I will say that it really is important that the person themselves is on board with the benefits of being in a home, such as social contact and someone to do all the work for them. People that go in and are not very on board with it, or who don't get a chance to pack and 'say goodbye' to their own home first, tend to not do very well and deteriorate quickly.

Sounds like your mum is on board with this and she has had a year to process the loss of her husband and get ready for the change, so it will probably be a good move for her.

@funnelfan my sister, and I visit my nan obviously and she tells me! Fucking hell

@Sittingontheporch she's mentally fine a little forgetful since breaking her hip and going to hospital then a nursing home, prior to this she was washing her self , cooking , doing what she needed to do. My dad could have cooked her a meal at dinner time and ran the hoover round for her , picked up prescriptions that's literally it. It's appalling really how so many think this situation he's done the right thing. People that have young families / still working I totally understand why they can't do much for elderly parents but he's retired and lives 10 seconds from her flat door!

I think part of the problem of "putting them in a home" is the unspoken guilt that comes with the feeling "could/should we have done more?", but mental and physical endurance has limits and once exhaustion overtakes you then there's not much choice.

More urgently is when a person's home is sold to pay the extortionate fees and they repeatedly ask "what about when the money runs out?" every time you visit them. They are literally terrified that the care home will boot them out.

Why do people on here hound on a sensitive situation you no nothing about ?! @EmmaEmerald @VelvetDragonfly
She had a flat and he's sold it !
I have 3 young children of my own it isn't my job to care 24/7 for my nan not that she needs that. If my mum was still alive this wouldn't be happening, sickening really given she wasn't even her mother. But my father lived 20 yards from her flat is fully able and retired. It's a sad sad state that he's that uninterested.

Oh yes sorry, I guess the retirement living accommodation is more like 3.5.

She has full time live in care now AIUI.

it's not enough - it takes a team in a lot of situations. A retirement flat is the lightest of help really, it's not between 4 and 5.

also, why is 4 as hard as 2?

If your nan has mental capacity to decide her own care and £1800/wk income, there's nothing stopping her from renting a one bed flat and moving out of the residential care home. So she's either in there because she doesn't have capacity and needs to be in there or because she has agreed to be in there. If it's just that she doesn't realise she's free to move out, perhaps you can tell her and help her find a flat to rent, since you feel so strongly about it.

What did you want him to do? What does she need help with in order to stay at home? What do you see the care home doing for her and could you do all that?

OP could you / your mum consider option 4.5, a retirement living flat? I think that can work well for people who don't yet need full time care.

In some ways I think 4 is as hard as 2 (assuming 3 is not an option because you've already done the moving away thing). With 4 you're doing the emergency trips to and fro when they have a fall. Not to mention the non emergency trips to sort out their admin 🤦‍♀️

What exactly did you want your dad to do to enable your Nan to stay at home? I suggest you are doing exactly what is discussed in this thread, and morally judging the child of the parent in the care home. £1800 per week is the top end of care home fees unless your Nan has more complex needs eg dementia? Someone is obviously prepared to pay the fees. If you are NC with your dad, where are you getting all this information? Is it your Nan? Because this board is full of tales of elderly parents telling lots of partial stories to various friends and family, never the full picture.

@Sittingontheporch glad that was helpful.
In terms of what people think of me, I try to channel Samantha from Sex and the City, when she said, "Honey, if I worried what every bitch in New York was saying about me, I'd never leave the house." 😂

@PermanentTemporary I liked that "bless your heart". I'm going to practice saying that as Lady Mary!

Sidebar - I feel like I should point out that most of the really full on carers I know have been men.

It doesn't make a difference to me - I still felt hopelessly inadequate.

These particular chaps have the natures where if you took their to do list away from them, they would be lost. They help my mum with things sometimes now and I am very grateful.

They will be lost when they retire maybe? Still out running at 5 am in their 60s.

They probably get less than four hours sleep a night and they just don't need more.

it took me a while to stop comparing myself to them. They are just made of completely different stuff than I am. As I am so much younger, they were puzzled that I don't have the same energy as them.

Also, I don't have children etc ...they just seem to be capable of doing so much more than I am.

I do think that the neighbour I mentioned, the one who spent 10 years looking after his mum, was guilt tripped somewhat. I know his siblings didn't want Care home money eating up their inheritance. (His words)

Don't feel guilty. You have to do what is right for all of you, and people who criticise you have probably never even tried looking after an adult who has dementia and/or has lost their mobility, is doubly incontinent etc., doesn't want to wear a nappy or incontinence pants, cannot get themselves to the toilet, become violent, are very strong and can struggle with you too, cannot wash or dress themselves, cannot feed themselves, can do nothing about the house etc. The list goes on.

They maybe think that changing an adult nappy is no different from changing that of a baby when it is in no way comparable. A poonami from an adult is vastly more humungous and harder to deal with than that of a baby.

Don't listen to the critics, even though some might be well meaning. If they really won't back off then tell them that they are welcome to come and take over the care if they think that they are so clever and they don't like what you are doing.

Having been in a situation where two of us couldn’t move my dad to change his wet bed, I think there comes a time when there is no choice but to move the person into a home. Don’t feel guilty.