Why is there so much stigma around 'putting them in a home'?

Please don’t justify yourself. Most people have no idea what it’s like caring for an LO with dementia unless they’ve experienced it themselves. Just ignore those that judge .

What an interesting thread. I think that some of the generation who are judgy about 'putting mum in a home' are often secretly resentful as they may have been in a position where they had to care for elderly relatives themselves,with no option of finding a suitable home for them. It's a case of 'well we had to do it,so should you '.
But the world was different then,as previously mentioned,care homes were often unregulated and unsuitable. A lot of families could live on one income,with the wife able to stay at home,look after the children and granny. ( And it pretty much always was the woman who had to do it).Not that it would have made the task any easier,just financially more doable.

Your mum wants to move into a care home so you aren't "putting her in a care home" at all.

It is her choice and preference to move and you are suppprting her.

The people that just stopped by recently but haven't visited for more than a year are certainly not going to be part of her care or support network so I wouldn't take any notice of their opinion. How can their opinion be more important or valid than your mum's choice?

My family are v different. We have had two generations move onto sheltered housing set ups while still well. Tbh, most of my family have died before 70. So they have not needed to move on to greater levels of care. My great gran made it to 92 though, still in her sheltered housing. Everyone who has gone in has loved it.

@EmmaEmerald I can not get DM to agree to a stairlift despite the fact she is a massive fall risk.

Very bad physically , bad mobility issues yet wont have a stairlift put in , cant hear yet refuses to even countenance a hearing aid. Cant get in and out of the bath yet doesnt want to explore changes to the bathroom (its too small and there is a wall between the toilet and the rest of the bathroom) Back in the 80s my dad (builder) wanted to knock the wall down between the toilet and the bathroom, DM objected with the "what if someone wants to go to the loo while someone is in the bath"
Forty years later she has physical problems and limited mobility and there is no turning circle for a hoist because the bathroom is too small Sits there crying in pain but refuses to go to see a doctor. Appointments have been booked but then she cancels at the last minute because she doesnt want to go. She walks downstairs backwards really slowly. Awful to watch. Asked me at Christmas to book a mobile hairdresser for a haircut in the spring then changed her mind again. Broke her hip in Sept 2022 and ended up in hospital but even that didnt change anything

So very true. I was not the best when I was the carer. Once I accepted I could be my dad's daughter again it was the best thing for us both

Some care homes are like 5 star hotels! Certainly not like prisons. I recently had to make the decision to put my beloved elderly father with dementia in one as we could no longer cope with him at home. I spent sleepless nights agonising whether to put him in the excellent council run one (he was a self funder) where the nursing care was excellent, or whether to go for the private one with cinema and bar, and sherry evenings, but which I did not think he would have been capable of appreciating but that to be honest I'd have loved to visit him in!! In the end, he suddenly went downhill and passed before I could make a final decision. It's so hard, but sometimes a nursing home is the best decision. Please don't feel bad.

Abuse is still rife. We hear about it all the time.

Residential care is also about maintaining a mother-daughter relationship whereby she remains your mother and doesn’t become your patient/adult child.

We managed to look after dad at home from the first stages to his last breath, with no outside help save the GP and district nurse, the latter mainly provisioning equipment.

Sadly at the end he had lost mobility and was doubly incontinent, but he still had some quality of life right up the the few weeks of active dying.

It was pretty hard, just me and mum looking after him, but I'm very proud we were able to give him what he very much wanted, to bi in his home right up to the end.

Wouldn't recommend doing it to anyone else though!

Honestly, I think some of the stigma or judgement comes from the fact that the number of people who say they'd never burden their children with caring and the number of people who say they would care for a relative at home, far far outweigh the numbers that actually stick to either.

Both noble thoughts are far, far harder when the time comes and more often than not, require massive compromises.

All that any of us should hope for (I think) is someone that cares enough to make any deicsions with love. Which is exactly what it sounds like you are doing, OP.

Absolutely. Being a carer is hard, physically and mentally.

No one who really knows you would judge you, the others don't matter.
Are the opinions from people from other cultures as many cultures don't use homes.
Don't worry about what people say.

That's interesting, because as a parish minister I have met the same distant family member, usually always a son. I usually meet him when he arrives the day before the parent's funeral, at the point when all the arrangements have been made by his DSis and DM. He then tries to have everything changed - including order of service, hymns, readings, eulogy, where the funeral tea is, who goes in which cars ...

Yep, I've met him several times.

You said yourself you cant care for your nan Using the fact that you have 3 kids as the get out clause. The times ive seen a child free relative doing most of the grunt work because of this.

DISCLAIMER. not criticising all parents. Just the ones who like to dictate the emotional and physical labour of others.

Absolutely.
There is a huge difference between being "fine" when there are other people around* *24/7 and the environment has been designed for the needs of people with limited mobility etc, and being capable of looking after yourself in your own home. I found that out in a small way when I came home after a longish hospital stay a few years ago. I was desperate to get out and sure I didn't need the nurses help with anything any more. But when I got home and my DH was out at work and my teenage DC at school for long periods I realised quite how vulnerable I was without the safety net of being able to buzz for help if I did need it. Not to mention the boredom and loneliness. I didn't realise how much support I was getting in hospital - including from the company of other patients - until it wasn't there any more. At least it was only shortish term for me and my mobility was improving not worsening but it was a sobering experience nevertheless.

It is far better for many people who need care to receive that care in a home where they can be waited on and have all their needs met.

There is no way that a relative with a full time job let alone dependent children can provide 24/7/365 care or even very much at all after 8 hours sleep, 8 hours of work and then life!

That is when the person who needs that level of care or anything vaguely resembling it really suffers as their needs cannot be met.

You say she has advanced dementia, no-one I know has managed this at home. It reaches a stage when full time residential care is the only option to keep uour parent safe & well cared for.

It also removes the need to have extensive work done to the house which in all likelihood will upset & distress your parent.

Moving her closer to you & your sibling makes sense - it will be easier to check up on her & her care.

At the end of the day her friends do not have to manage your mothers care & atr likely to stop visiting as the dementia progresses.

Do what is best for your mother & you & your brother.

I do care for my mum in her old age, which is why I have the perspective that I do. Seeing someone’s mobility in a care home when all they have to do is move between bed-bathroom-lounge does not mean they are safe to be at home on their own.

It’s likely your Nan does think she’d be fine in her flat with your dad “popping in” to help, but why not talk to the care home staff next time you’re there to ask them whether she’d be capable of being on her own.

btw, it wasn’t me that reported your post, I prefer to let post like that stand and make their own points, but I guess it wasn’t very nice for the OP seeing the very judginess she is trying to avoid.

Agree with other posters that negative connotations were from years gone by, and often there’d be little jokes about putting someone in a home if they became a bit difficult. But I think most people don’t understand what it’s like to care for someone with dementia or someone with limited mobility.

Im glad I moved away from my home town so there’s no expectation that I’ll pop round to repair the house, cook meals or make appointments etc, let alone personal care and lifting. They’ll have to figure that out themselves. My parents also moved away from their home towns and ended up with all of their parents in care homes so I hope they will be fine with the same outcome if needed.

It's obvious I know the law better than you and can see your Dad has done nothing wrong here. You are the one who literally has no clue - about people's autonomy, which includes your Dad and your Nan, if she's capable.

You're exactly the sort of judgemental person OP is posting about. Angry because you want a particular outcome but don't want to provide the work involved in achieving that yourself. Berating someone else, your Dad, who has chosen to maintain control over his own life instead of doing what you want.

@lotsofdogshere Just in case it helps you

Mum gave me third party access to her bank account. It means I can pay for her shopping etc without the faff of her trying to pay me back. I can withdraw cash for her as she prefers it for her cleaner and occasional coffee trips woth friends.

When she went in respite care, and had a stairlift fitted in order to come home, it was a lifesaver, as I could not have paid for those things from my own money.

It was easy to set up but all correspondence goes to mum, because she's the account holder. So my account card etc got sent to her home address. I appreciate this might not work if your DDs live any distance away.

She has total control of the account still, which I think doesn't happen under LPA but I don't know because I've not yet used it for her bank.

@VelvetDragonfly obviously you know my nan and situation better than me 🤣🤣 cannot even be arsed arguing with you anymore you literally have no clue.

OP I haven’t read the full thread, only your posts. But just wanted to say that sometimes a home is the best thing. We agonised with my relative, but the dementia was so bad that eventually even a full time live in carer couldn’t manage, as my relative was completely unmanageable without at least 2 people present for personal care etc.
Don’t feel guilty. Sometimes the absolute best thing is for them to go live somewhere surrounded by people who are trained to help. It’s hard and utter shit but you’ll get to a point when you know it’s time, and life will be less stressful after that! Just take the time to research homes as there are good and bad ones.