Why is there so much stigma around 'putting them in a home'?

Yes, this is definitely an issue. Alzheimers presents very differently for different people, and evolves at different rates. But I'll do my very best to go in time, before the disease truly gets hold- as I would have to make my choice clear. Having an advanced directive to that effect and having gone through all the paperwork in advance too. Wish me luck.

I hope to die peacefully in my sleep. But just in case, I've got all my options well prepared and clear to DH and close family. And so does DH.

My father had early dementia and as long as he was in his daily routine, seemed fine. The local shopkeepers he chatted to would have been shocked if they had been told he had dementia. He still enjoyed life. But he could not have coped with a foreign trip never mind organised it himself.

And if you are like my mum? She was diagnosed a few years ago. She's progressed quite slowly and still only has a Carr call daily to check everything is OK and alert us if there are problems between our visits. But because her short term memory is shot she thinks she's fine and the day after her diagnosis couldn't remember why she had been to the doctor and assumed it was just a check up. But even by then there was no way she would have been able to a organise weekend in Brighton let alone go to Dignitas.
And that's pretty common for alzheimer's

I'd just like to echo @EmotionalBlackmail 's point about 'the workhouse' along with the large number of institutions or homes for the 'mentally enfeebled ' as they were termed.
'enfeebled' could cover sex outside of marriage, pnd, a rocky menopause, etc and once in, it was an Institutional prison. Although many were in incredible buildings with extensive grounds.
When care in the community came in, in the 1990s there were still elderly women who'd been incarcerated by their families and professionals since being raped or having sex as young teens. Very sad.
So an understandable fear for a generation and for our parents who heard the stories.

Most of my grandparents dropped dead after a brief period of breathlessness which would be treated by statins today. Or the old persons friend, pneumonia, finished them off. We will all have more complex needs as we treat stuff that would have needed a miracle 40 years ago.

My Gran, a tough bird, lingered with dementia. The local authority, Slough, sheltered accommodation from 1980 and then the care home she lived in until 1993 were amazing. Honestly, just incredible, just what you would want.

So I hope the rhetoric about 'put in a home' will change because it helps no one and we need to separate the previous solutions from how we live today.

@Sittingontheporch I'm sorry you are in this position (as well as your siblings and your mother herself obviously). You are not wrong to follow the GPs advice to move your mother sooner and take the time to choose a home that will be a good fit for her.

My Grandma unfortunately deteriorated and required a care home (she lived over 300 miles away from most of the family)- the home turned out to be lovely, and she received excellent care throught her time there. But it is not an easy decision, and I know a lot of us (especially her children) felt guilty that she had to go in to the home. But there are lovely care homes, and I'm sure you Will be able to find somewhere that your mother will be very comfortable and well cared for

I agree with the points raised that as a society, we generally do not have conversations early enough around later life planning/advanced directives etc. This often comes to a head in a crisis and ends up causing extra stress at an already fraught time for both the ill person and their nearest and dearest.

I also think a lot of people underestimate how much caring can involve (there's obviously a vast difference between popping by with a weekly shop and stopping for a cuppa, and going in twice a day, helping with showering, coordinating with social services and multiple medical appointments etc) and the impact on those providing the care.

My sister in law asked her why she was 'excited' about the care home (worried she might not understand the reality) and my mother said that she was looking forward to having to do less than she does now. She does nearly nothing as it is.

She seems desperate for others to make decisions for her. Like at my father's funeral she was supposed to leave the party bit and come to the crematorium with us and I could tell she didn't want to leave her friends. I asked her what she wanted to do and she was panicked. I said, do you want us to tell you what to do and she nodded. My sister in law and I told her that she should stay and she wasn't missing anything and you could see relief flood through her body.

She can't cope with the mental load. Others might be physically doing all the stuff. From food shopping to organising carers, but maybe she's still feeling ultimately responsible for it all and that others are merely helping her. I imagine it feels precarious, considering that people can quit a job or withdraw voluntary help at any time and for any reason. At any moment in time, something could occur and theoretically everyone involved in helping her could say they can't deal with it. In reality, someone would probably deal with it or quickly find someone else who could, but it's not guaranteed. She's in the unenviable position of having enough brains to realise she can't cope but not enough brains to do anything about it. Being dependent on others as a child is natural and, as long as the caregivers aren't abusive or neglectful, feels safe. Being dependent as an adult, without the optimistic innocence of childhood, has got to feel a lot more scary. I expect she wants to go into a care home so she can feel safe.

If and when I get a dementia diagnosis- I shall make sure I go to Dignitas asap- to avoid having to be 'put in a home'.

And one reason to judge a home on the staff and not the facilities

For many elderly people it's a choice of going into a home with 24 hour care and no maintenance fear of not being able to summon help etc to stress about or being stuck at home on their own for maybe 20+ hours a day with carers coming in 4 times and maybe a daily visit from family.
I know a few people who have resisted going to a home and then blossomed when they finally did.

You are absolutely right of course @Sittingontheporch in that most people's views on things like this are based on imagining themselves in that situation, and of course residential care wouldn't be the choice of the vast majority of sprightly older people who can get out and about independently. In fact I doubt they'd get a place in most homes in those circumstances as they wouldn't need one and there are a lot of people who do!
Your Mum's friends are probably comparing their current lives with the idea of being "stuck in a home" and of course they prefer their lifestyles - who wouldn't?! But that isn't your Mum's alternative option, and nor is it for most people who go into residential care. They are making that choice generally because it is the least bad option for them. On the whole they are not swapping independent lifestyles for a care home, they are leaving increasingly difficult and often lonely lives in homes that they struggle to manage.
If it had been possible to turn my parents back into active, healthy, indepencent people I would have done anything I could to achieve that. But of course that wasn't possible. The priority had to be to make their last years as safe and comfortable as possible and in our particular circumstances residential care was the best way to achieve that. No matter how much you love someone you can't work miracles and sometimes the best course of action for all involved is to accept the inevitable and find that least bad option in what is a horrid situation.

I'm welling up reading that @Sittingontheporch. Your close attention to what your mum is experiencing and feeling shows what love really is - 'it does not alter when it alteration finds'.

Well, it's not what I would want, but her choice!

And once someone is very frail and immobile they're often in just their bedroom anyway at home. Especially if it's a difficult home to adapt. At least in a care home there's more company and the possibility of joining other people as it's more accessible.

I don't think anyone makes the decision lightly.
But in reality living in a bedroom with a suitable bed and bathroom, access to company of others(if wanted) meals made, washing done, and medical/personal assistance when needed, might be safer and preferable to living in a house which has become unsafe or unmanageable for someone as they age or deteriorate though illness.

Same with my mother. Until her dementia got so bad that we had no choice but to move her to a nursing home. Things aren’t always as simple as you might hope them to be 🙁

Maybe to us as fit and healthy people but someone with dementia may choose to withdraw if social interactions become too confusing or they lose the ability form a coherent sentence. That is their choice and being alone in their bedroom could be the happiest place for them.

We had to put MIL in a home, if I can give you one tip, try not to engage with the 'helpful' people and just do what you have to do. The 'helpful' hangers-on and their opinions will tip you over the edge otherwise.

My husband’s Granny spent many years in a very expensive home. She did live in her bedroom. She watched TV all day and nothing else really. Didn’t mix with the other residents. Quite sad when you think about it.

Pretty miserable living in your bedroom.

There's no obligation to join in the communal stuff. A distant relative of mine absolutely refused to join in any activities and insisted on eating all of her meals in her room!

My parents intend to head to Dignitas when the time comes (stubborn independent glorious curmudgeons that they are ❤) and I will fully support them in that. But they have both said to me that if this isn’t possible for whatever reason, me and my siblings are not to put our lives on hold to care for them and that we should find them safe accommodation and then enjoy our lives. They’re very proud people and I will respect their wishes. I think people often forget that many elderly people can’t think of anything worse than their adult child wiping their arse and would much rather a professional did it!

My mother would have hated being in a home. She was a very private person and communal living was her idea of hell. She would much rather have stayed at home and had carers coming in.

My DPs are very much the opposite. Their neighbour in her 90s is housebound with carers in 4 times per day. Every time I see them they tell me her grown up DS should put her in a home as she has no quality of life in her house, and tell me that when/if they need it, I should move them to a home nearer to me.

I wouldn't judge anyone for encouraging their DPs to move into a home. People are living a lot longer but not necessarily healthier, and the adult DCs usually have to keep working to fund their own retirement.

I'd be so relieved if mine were in a home, they are at the just about managing phase, but from what I've seen with friends it will just take one crisis to push them over. DM I think would go in tomorrow, but DF doesn't want to.

@Sittingontheporch Yes, I know a tragic instance of this IRL. A neighbor’s elderly father killed his wife and then himself. She had dementia and it was clear that they couldn’t manage at home anymore. He couldn’t face their difficult future. 🙁

IMO, it’s far better to take action earlier and move to a safe environment, rather than try and struggle on at home. My widowed Dad (86) moved to assisted living a couple years ago and he loves it. Due to his limited mobility, he couldn’t cope in the house after my SM died, even with considerable help. Now he has an easy flat, plenty of support (meal delivery, cleaner, site manager, emergency pull cords just in case) and there’s always people to chat to if he feels like it-or he can stay at home in bed if he’s not feeling great. He’s so much happier. He says that he’ll move to a home if it becomes necessary, because he’d rather be looked after than struggle to manage.