Why is there so much stigma around 'putting them in a home'?

Someone recently told me of their FIL, mid 70s and only remaining child is caring daily for his mother who is over 100 now and living alone. Since his retirement 10 yrs ago he has spent his entire life doing this because she keeps reminding him that he can never put her in a home. It made me think how utterly selfish some people are. My worst scenario would be ruining my kids lives and having them resent me.

“The other mantra I found helpful was something a priest once said to me: that everyone in these situations has ‘equal rights’ . Your DM deserves care and consideration, but not more than your children, your husband , even yourself. Of course, you may choose to sacrifice your own share, but you don’t really have the right to sacrifice the needs of the other people in your life. My own mother would ‘I’ve had my life. You haven’t ‘.”

This is really wise

You can outsource the clothes labelling - my very elderly relative the home does it as clothes arrive (home not local so clothes ordered online and sent to the home rather than someone dropping off). Home then adds the cost of labelling to monthly bill. Works well as they use their preferred format which they know works for their laundry.

And there's usually someone locally on things like FB who will put labels on for x amount. They often advertise before the beginning of the school year.

Make things as easy as possible for yourself!

@Sittingontheporch I find the best approach is to judge the people who are judging for being judgey.

Glad you've reached a decision OP.
You're right. People will judge. But they are not you, or your Mum so their opinion counts for little, and one day they may see that.
Unfortunately you are also right that your Mum will decline, and yes, the move may be a contributory factor, but that still doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. There is no real answer to situations like these. Whatever we do has pros and cons. You are right to keep sight of the fact that sadly your Mum is declining, that decline is irreversible and is going to continue wherever she is. It's also worth bearing in mind that if her decline does accelerate in the home, you don't actually know that it is direct cause and effect. Things could have been the same or even worse if she'd stayed at home, you really can't know. And staying at home brings other risks too. I don't believe many people opt for residential care for family members because it's the easy option. It's usually because it's become the least bad option and the potential for a "good" outcome has long passed. The people who claim they'd never do it are usually those who have fortunately never had to face this type of situation.

I have a friend here in Ireland. Over the past 10 years she has seen several people dealing with parents and their care. She has seen the effects this has had on her friends life, health and their own family time. My friend said the reality is that years ago people may have cared for elderly parents but the parents died at a younger age. Now people can live longer due to a better diet and medication. They can live longer but not always with a quality of life.

I have also seen elderly parents who refused to do certain things like regular doctors visits, lose weight, get eye tests or hearing tests or deal with health issues before they get worse.
Then they refuse to move from big family homes with gardens that you need to have a car for transport because they are miles away from a shop or town.

The reality is that some people have health issues or need support/care to live as they get older. Their families can't drop all and do this because they have jobs and their own families to look after.
They need a nursing home. Unless someone has looked after a person in their 80's or 90's that gone like a toddler due to altizmers they have no right to tell an adult son or daughter what they can do to look after a parent or parents at home.

We’re on the run to MIL being ‘put into a home’ as we are struggling to contain the care she needs. I wish we could do more but we can’t, we just can’t, she needs specialist care now and even FIL has accepted he (we) can no longer do a good enough job at home. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. Unless they want to step in and help they can shut up and take a walk.

slight confusion will be sidelined on the day.

As this would be contrary to Swiss law, I do not believe this would happen.

Yes, I have acknowledged that there is a fine line beyond which assistance would be denied. But it is much easier if the conversation and all arrangements are absolutely clear beforehand.

Dignitas is not the only one. My friend has been dealing with another, in another location- and he is all approved and all arrangements made. But yes, you are right, if he waits too long, it could be too late. The fact his wishes were absolutely clear, verbally and in wiriting, when he was clearly fully compo mentis despite his diagnosis- means that slight confusion will be sidelined on the day.

And again, under Swiss law you have to be of sound mind at the time of the death, it doesn't matter what discussions you’ve had or paperwork you’ve signed in advance. It’s a fundamental tenet of medical practice that the patients consent could be withdrawn at any point, so in order for the doctor to be able to prescribe the drugs, they need to know at that point that the patient fully understands everything. They are incredibly fastidious about this.

What you’ve described doesn’t tally with how it actually works. Anyone can join associations such as Dignitas - it doesn’t mean they guarantee they will help you arrange your death when it comes to it. They don’t have an actual clinic either.

The point is that what mum planned is irrelevant and actually she always said she would go into a home if she couldn't manage. As it is she has zero insight into her condition or difficulties. She thinks there is nothing wrong. She consented to the memory test because she thought it would prove us wrong. By the afternoon she had forgotten she had seen the GP. Just like she forgot the brain scan. She regularly tells me I should see a doctor about my memory because I tell her things she doesn't need to make an optician as she's only had her glasses a week but she thinks they are years old etc etc.

I am so sorry to hear. And yes, that 'fine line' can be a real issue. But much less likely if a person decides, when really fit, well, and fully aware- that this is what they want to do and prepare fully for the event and put everything in place.

I guess your poor mum never expected this, and never discussed her wishes with you in good time, nor prepared. Preparation is the key, aa well as putting in place everything in writing, with GP, with solicitor, and with adult children. We have all in place- and yes, we may still miss that very fine deadline. But we have met with staff at the clinic in Switzerland and their doctors, and we are already approved. We made our fact finding visit and introductions as a fun holiday, it was great. In the meantime, we are having a ball, knowing that we have our plans ready. The Clinic will book our flights and accomodation for the 2 days before, to ensure our family is not put at risk of prosecution.

Oh how very sad. Yes, it's exactly this- even when you live with someone you cannot possibly be watching them every single second, it's not physically possible for anyone to do. I dont think people realise just how bad it can get in the later stages and you're right, it is putting others at risk.

Friends mum had her mum living with her. While FM was putting out the washing she decided to have a bath then sat back down in the living room and forgot all about it. FM only realised when water came through the ceiling. A couple of weeks later she was upstairs stripping the beds and smelled smoke. Her mum had decided to make a cup of tea and put a plastic kettle on the gas hob. They already had ro lock the house like Fort Knox to prevent her wandering in the night. She realised the whole family was being put at risk trying to keep her mum out of a home.

@fungipie my mum was diagnosed with alzheimers in 2020. She is still in denial. She'll get really upset about something she can't understand and an hour later have zero memory and it's sorted so obviously she coped, not one of us sorted it. She thinks she manages just fine while we run around making sure she goes to medical appointments ( not a chance iif we don't take her), there is no rotting food in the fridge (her sense of smell has been destroyed by the alzheimers), ditto the bin, sorting out fraud blocks on her bank account, sorting out every time she "loses" her debit card ( they changed the design a couple of years ago so she doesn't recognise it and throws them away) etc etc. A couple of weeks ago she was panicking because she thought her debit card was about to run out and she hadn't been sent a new one. The expiry is September 2028, pointed that out and she was still panicking as that's so soon. None of this is unusual for alzheimer's. Don't be so confident that you will recognise what is happening.

Yep- I am an only child, having a "rota" is simply not possible for many of us. Even if you do have siblings, what if they live far away?

Besides, there comes a point where someone with dementia for example needs 24/7 care so unless you are planning to stay awake for 24 hours a day watching them, I dont know how its possible, even with a family rota.

And when it’s no longer possible? Don’t you think we’ve all tried?

Not sure how that message is appropriate within this thread.
It's great that your mum's needs are not so extensive that they can't be managed at home, you have 2 other adults to support you with looking after her and that all three of you have the time to commit to being on an ongoing rota.

But this isn't the case for everyone.

I will do my best to keep mum at home for as long as possible
Currently on a rota with my 2 sisters

It was me who made the comment "It's about keeping them safe and meeting their needs for food, medication and warmth."

What I meant was that when you are dealing with a parent at home who is getting progressively worse with something like dementia, you can't even meet their basic needs without seriously compromising your own. Because the parent doesn't sleep, is up all hours of the day and night, can't be left to their own devices for 30 seconds, can't take medication reliably, can't do anything for themselves. So your only option is to put them into a home where there is a team of people whose job it is to feed them, make sure they are taking their pills and not wandering onto the M6.

There is another whole philosophical debate about whether it's right to keep people alive with zero quality of life. And I have to say that latterly with my dad his quality of life was very poor, as was that of my mum who was his carer. I really don't think a peaceful death before it gets to that stage is the worst outcome. But the law as it stands means that everyone has to have their basic needs met, and if family members can't do that or are just at the end of their tether, then a home is absolutely the best place.

There are many forms of Alzheimer's

No. There are different forms of dementia, one of which is Alzheimer’s. Under Swiss law, you have to be of sound mind to take advantage of the law on assisted suicide and to get the prescription for the drugs that you have to take. Someone with diagnosed Alzheimer’s and appearing confused would not meet those criteria.

Sorry, but you are mistaken. There are many forms of Alzheimer's, and some develop quite slowly. I have a friend who has been approved for another Swiss association for assisted death. Everything is planned, and someone will book the flights for him when the time comes. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's several years ago- but is still compos mentis. Everything is in place for when the time comes. He has visited and has been approved as being of sound mind, and absolutely clear in his decision. So even if he is a little confused on the day, everything is in place.