Dad's narrative that he 'barely sees me'

Another thing is maybe this is a way of him trying to communicate they need more help. He may resist it on one level but deep down knows its not right they are living in this environment and not coping.

Your DMs behaviour sounds a bit concerning, could she be depressed? Maybe you should encourage her to see the GP.

I had quite a successful visit to dad with dementia quite recently because I stayed in a nearby pub / hotel and visited him in his sheltered housing flat where I went with him to his usual dementia group..then could escape back to the hotel when needed...

I'm not sure if he remembers it but I think it is better if you can keep to their routine.

Mum is good at using her calendar but if she turns a page to put in or check something for a later month she often forgets to turn it back and then thinks it's e.g. May or June instead of April.

would they let you clear out / tidy up? It seems to make such a difference for us. I go regularly and jdeclutter so it’s easier for her to see / find stuff. Then it’s easier to keep clean too. The calendar doesn’t work for us either. We’ve got a clock with the day date and time .

Another voice telling you to be a bit wary of them visiting. From experience not being in a familiar environment can be difficult for them .

Being in the moment with them helps -so if he says 'you never visit':you can say 'i am here now'. My MIL went through a phase of asking to leave with us every time we visited and we would say, we can't take you today, we have to do (something)' which would always calm her down. We wouldn't say 'no' but would always be sort of optimistically vague

We do this. We write what LO did on the day and what they’re doing the next day and who they’ve seen in a big book left on the table near where they sit. It does help. ( we’ve got a huge sticker with do not move on it on the front)

One thing a friend of mine does it has stickers made up of her face and then every day she visits, she sticks her face on her Mum's wall calendar to mark she's been there.

It helps her Mum see she is visited regularly.

Not sure if that would help, but she finds it works for her?

My mum used to come here regularly until dhe stpooed driving about 5 years ago and we've been in the same house for 23 years but it was awful when she stayed Christmas before last.

My mil doesn't visit anymore. My fil thought it would be good to do a massive roundtrip to see bil & us.

She arrived here in a state of delirium as the car journey had been endless for her.

It was seriously scary. It's the only time I've cried (after she calmed down & was safely at their accommodation) as it was really sad too.

Routine with occasional stimulation is probably best but it's very person-dependent.

Indeed - familiar territory is so important for people with dementia. My mother came to us for Christmas one year and totally lost it - she was wandering about in the nude. She was much better at home.

So true. My mum stayed with us Christmas before last and she was much more confused than usual. She thought we had borrowed someone else's house - weve lived here over 20 years. Told us about her daughter - me. This year we picked her up in the morning and took her home in the evening even though it meant 2 2 hour round trips.

Just watch out for taking them away from familiar environment and routine - that can throw everything for someone with dementia.

Good luck!

So sorry to hear this OP.

Have you seen the film "The Father" with Anthony Hopkins? It's really well done and gives a perspective of what it's like from the perspective of both the father and the daughter. It's really moving.

A couple if weeks ago my eldest brother came down for a couple of days. Spent a whole day and a morning with mum, took her to an appointment, sorted some admin etc. He lives 5 hours away (and he's the favourite) so a visit is a Big Thing. I saw her the evening of the second day and she'd completely forgotten his visit.

My bil drives 5 hours to see mil, stays for two days & mil has forgotten he's been by the afternoon.

There is nothing you can say that will change his perspective.

Even without dementia they do seem to remember differently as they get older. Mine has been reminiscing about our lovely times together and how much she misses that/why can't we see her more often.

We've only seen her 3-4 times a year for at least a couple of decades. Her choice originally as she was too busy doing other things! She's somehow turned something that happened once or twice a year into a regular occurrence that used to happen!

You know he has dementia so you’ll have to try not to take what he’s saying personally, he obviously doesn’t know what he’s saying and he’s not misremembering things intentionally. I can understand it just be upsetting that his illness is clouding his view of you, but it’s the dementia talking not him, it is hard that his illness is projecting this onto you and not your sister but again, it’s not personal. He has an illness which is causing his mind to get confused and misremember things. I am sure he appreciates the time he is spending with you in the moment, even if afterwards he is not remembering it clearly and is getting stuck in a cycle of thinking you don’t see him. This might signify how important you are to him and how his illness is manifesting the hurt he would feel at not seeing you because it is a deep rooted fear based on how much he enjoys seeing you. You can’t do anything about the way his illness is presenting and unfortunately you can’t stop a person with dementia misremembering and getting confused, all you can do is continue to ensure that the time you spend with him is enjoyable and know that he’s enjoying it in the moment regardless of whether he will remember that enjoyment a few days later.

Have a moan .... it is a horrible illness.

I used to work with people with dementia. One old lady was very upset about her failing memory and I said: "I guess our brains are like a box of treasures which we fill up and when we get older some treasures start to fall out as it is too full." She thanked me, said that was lovely and she was really cheered by the idea. Two minutes later she said: "What was that nice thing you said?" The lesson I learned is that for someone with dementia life is "of the moment" but these brief moments have their own value, even if they are fleeting.

Also don't worry that anyone who has any experience of dementia will believe this and think 'what a bad daughter for never visiting' . They will know it is just part of the illness.